You can always say you're following your passion

I try to live my life where I end up at a point where I have no regrets. So I try to choose the road that I have the most passion on because then you can never really blame yourself for making the wrong choices. You can always say you're following your passion. ~Darren Aronofsky 

I look back down the long winding road that is my life.  I glance at all the useless blame I’ve doled out over the years; it was definitely much easier to have someone to be angry at. Laying the culpability at the feet of another freed me up to nurture massive amounts of self-pity.  Self-pity allowed me to feel sorry for all that I had endured.  Was my journey easy, by no means, in truth however; it was the results of CHOICES that I had made.  Yes, my life was difficult growing up, in many ways.  Do I BLAME my parents for doing what they knew, no.  I understand now, how difficult it is to lead others while in excruciating pain.  Unfortunately as human beings one of our learned propensities is to take our pain out on others, thereby ‘lessoning’ it in ourselves.  Pfft, ‘Whipping boy syndrome’. 

I walked over to the long, antique mirror that stood near the open arches, the long voluminous tapestries dancing with the gentle wind.   I looked deeply into my own reflection, seeing clearly, realizing that every decision had to be made exactly the way it had been in order for me to be exactly where I am.  I can see the laugh lines, the tiny, almost imperceptible wrinkles that are gracing my face and my neck.  I see Source in my eyes.  I see the passion and fire in my eyes, and can feel the Goddess rising in me. My hair dances with the breeze as I feel universal primal awareness course all over my skin, hairs standing up on my arms in response to Source’s energy. I am in alignment, I recognize myself as the potent, primal being that I truly am, a spiritual being having a human experience. ‘Already complete, no need for fear, anticipating trouble not already here’.  I inhale pure light, the iridescence permeating my entire being, traveling like liquid gold all through my body and chakras.    I see myself; I feel my health, my shining heart, my confidence, working with young women, being purely authentic, joyful, of service, writing for the sheer joy of it and I know that in some alternate universe (google: M theory) I am already the best version of myself, so in truth I own it, I am already there.  

One of the most difficult and yet freeing concepts on this road of authenticity is that there is no one to blame, no-one.  We, as humans make choices constantly, yup there are repercussions for each and every one. Things may not be ‘fair’ and usually aren't however I truly believe it is not what happens in life but what you do with what happens that matters.  I used to be so pissed that things were as difficult as they ‘seemed’ to be.  I fought the lessons with every fiber of my being and that is what made it difficult.  I had lessons to learn and growth to be had.  I chose to come down to this gorgeous planet/spaceship (by another name shall smell as sweet --Shakespeare) and chose to be a part of this experience.  I was born to the family I was born into for a reason, I surrender to everything that has happened and am grateful.  I am now grateful and shaping what is by knowing I am worthy of the best, we all are.  We came here to BE JOYFUL.  Think of what truly brings you joy and as long as you follow that feeling, that is a life of authenticity.  Because we have been molded by society into ignoring our emotions, talking ourselves out of ignoring our feelings, to bury and numb them, instead of learning from them.  I have never believed that hate was the opposite of love. I knew fear was, simply because fear begets hate. 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”~~Marianne Williamson .   

I have long pondered this quote and know it to be true, that is why many of us have achieved short periods of authenticity but when it became too uncomfortable, we then numbed (drugs, alcohol, sex, gossip, drama, jealousy, etc.) and reverted to the ‘easy road’ where conformity reigns.  “Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ~ Steve Jobs

I’m proud and passionate about being a misfit, and a round peg in NO hole.  I am kicking the box, standing up in innate, Goddess/phoenix energy, owning everything I do in the present  (what is in the past is accepted, learned from, honored, forgiven and put away) because the present is where I live now. NO blame to anyone, I own me, to blame others is to suggest that they have the power to change who you quintessentially are, that is giving them power, your POWER… umm no thank you, I think I’ll take that back, thank you for babysitting it.  LOL I’d rather own it, forgive myself and move the hell on.  It is not always easy to do, but honestly it does get easier with each try.  I have a very tiny delay now before an disempowered thought back to alignment. ‘I’ve got to admit, it’s getting better all the time’…

Onward and upward… (picking up the golden, radiant, shimmering pieces of power left over from reclaiming)

One step at a time, hand in hand… on the edge!  

The Pangs of Rebirth

I am on the road less traveled, stepping out of my comfort zone in many ways, functioning at an ebb and flow, riding the waves of soul and ego crescendo’s.  My soul is growing and so the waves last so much longer, I am grateful to realize.  I realize in truth that no-one is coming to save me; I am wearing my armor proudly and am my own champion.   Being authentic and myself, means invariably not suiting someone’s idea of me (smiles).  I now have developed my own image of self, and am wearing her regally. 

I seem to fall prey to erring on the side where I start caring how my words will be interpreted and have learned to refocus quickly on making sure it is all from a place of love and letting it fall where it may.  Cutting the ties of attachment was not as easy a task as I thought it would be.  It is definitely the road less traveled, aptly named, for good reason.   

I've realized that when I was resonating on a much lower level, I would misconstrue those who functioned at a predominantly higher level as being distant, uncaring and arrogant, I truly do get it.  Life is such an evolutionary process, you learn, feel slightly sheepish (at least I do), forgive yourself, shrug and KEEP going, tucking the ‘level’s completion flag firmly under arm with a grateful and satisfied smile on one’s face.  

(Disclaimer: having the completion flag does not guarantee that a spirit may not have to revisit said level for refresher course, just that said spirit will not have to reside there for long periods of time again, usually once refreshed it only takes one short bursts of experience to realize that this is not desired re-experience.

One must discern the ‘feeling’ of placing a boundary from the ‘feeling’ of wanting to control another.  Relinquishing control entirely is not an easy process, at least for me.  There seem to come  short experiences where I think, but that’s not nice, or not right, not what I would do, or not how ‘you’ should be’ to shortly thereafter realize, that’s NOT my business.  Truly not my business because if it does not pertain to me, do what makes you happy, as long as it does not hurt me or others in any way, have at it. See I caught that already.. if it does not hurt me or others.  Well, I can control who is in my proximity and who may hurt me, but can I stop others from hurting each other.  

Voila, I’ve written myself to the crux of my dilemma.   I can handle an injustice to me, pffft, that level I had to pass a few times but collected enough completion flags that I do NOT stay there for more than a nanosecond, if ever. Those angels got murdered.  I won’t focus on the gun’man’ or gun boy whatever; I want to focus on the babies.  The fact of the matter is our countries can pass WHATEVER laws they want too, those who truly want guns will get them, there is no way to absolutely control anyone or anything.  Who really wants to delve into the illegal importing and exporting of illegal substances, weapons etc.  This situation is lifetimes old.  We cannot control anyone but self.  Religions, governments, parents, teachers and the majority of the human race strive to ‘control’ someone or something; children, animals, religion, law, life, death, even the splicing together of different species to further commercialize the food industry in the name of what, the end of world hunger?  Really? 

I think that’s what scares me the most and set’s me off in these times of tragedy is how vulnerable a human being really is.  We cannot control who leaves, stays, loves, respects, helps, contributes, is honest, loyal, sweet, kind, helpful, creative, honest, loving, caring, reciprocal, except ourselves.  If the world were really to ‘end’ (and it’s not my personal opinion that it will) there is a not a damn thing we could do about it.  

Hmmmmm there went that illusion of security eh??? I think that is where the strength is, hidden inside the shell of vulnerability and we don’t think to look there, because when we realize what we do have control over, the rest of the clay crumbles away leaving powerful and sweetly vulnerable iridescence in its wake.

I am there, standing on a majestic, open mountain top facing the uncertainties of existence, reveling in the maelstrom of emotions rushing through my body as I welcome and am in awe of the primal energies that course through my soul.  I am there, toes half off the tip of the mountain, sure in the knowledge that I have wings on my back, not sure if they will work as I take the step off the edge.  The wind shakes me to and fro, promising to end the debate that my soul and human mind have over the challenge.  

You know that feeling, the strong orgasmic rush that is almost too pleasurable to bear, and just a wee bit scary in its intensity, yup that one; however this is that feeling in my soul.  The knowledge that I can never turn back; it was a permanent choice my heart made. 

This is my beginning, my rebirth… 

Surrender

So, we are on the cusp of the opening of the doorway, the pathway to ascension.  What does that mean TO me exactly… It means that whether or not 2012 is ending and the big day 12/21 is approaching, I FEEL different. I would think I had gone bat shit crazy.  So hmmm the hippies talked about this in the sixties, it is the Age of Aquarius, the harbinger of a new age on this planet, I say Gaia needs a new age, because obviously the one we just left was not working too well for our mother earth, and whilst I am grateful for it, I am grateful to see it go.  I’m so happy that I know in my heart of hearts that there are more conscious ‘hearts’ on the planet than ever before, and I am ready (with bells on) to be of service. 

I have been hard at work, reprogramming myself to be as I WANT me, not as I was trained to be.  NO blame on anyone. It was and is what it is.  I am in control of me and I happen to believe I chose this path for the higher good and education of my soul.  I am going to have a talk with ME when I cross over, that’s for damn sure talk about over performance!! PFFFT!  Yet I am so grateful, for this road as tumultuous as it has been, as raw and bloody as my heart has sometimes felt, because I survived, and not only did I survive but my soul flourishes and I can even say that after this last week of my spirit being pulled to and fro.  Enlightened being, imperfect human, enlightened being, imperfect human until today, WHAM I got it… I am both, and it’s OKAY to be both.  I am a SPIRITUAL being having human experience, and that too is okay.  100% of the time is not going to be roses and sunshine, it is however the cloudy days that remind us to be grateful for the sunshine. 

I was meditating at the Lake, and kind of leaped (lept??) off the picnic table where I had been sitting, “Indian Style” legs crossed, contemplating the ripples of the water that are such an analogy for the ripple effects of our every action… and as I came down, I heard CRACK, CRACK, CRUNCH from my left hip, I said to myself, are you shitting me??? Really?? 

Okay straight to the ER, where the doctor rotated my hip.  OUCH, ya would think after giving birth to three children, I’d grow a set of ovaries when it comes to pain, but NOPE, OUCH damnit.  All those tattoos and ya still can’t take the pain.  NOPE… OUCH.  Ya mean I had the stomach flu for a week, now I gotta stay offa the leg AGAIN, and I just lost 92lbs??? REALLY, ya gotta be shitting me, so the doc comes in with the GOOD news, ya didn’t break anything and your bones are beautiful.  Ummmm thank you, how soon can I run?? Well see that’s the thing, here is a set of crutches, stay offa it for at least a week or two.  BLINK BLINK.  WTF??? REALLY, but I’m a good girl, doing GOOD THINGS.. really I’m an elf … BLINK BLINK.  Pity party 101 kicked in, no working out..but I have too, I HAVE TOO.  So here I am two days later and PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT going out of my mind with the NEED to work out, to dance, to shimmy and shake, and to top it off there is all this universal energy surging in my body.  I wanna dance primally under the moonlight.  I want to, wait, I gotta take my crutches.  Oh jeezalou. 

So I have had enough of my own pity party, I don’t appreciate Shanti when she is frustrated.  Nope, so onward and upward, I’ve got a plan (rubbing hands together) adapt and overcome… time to get the yoga mat out (like universe has been hinting now for months), regular tiny meals every three hours, LOTSA water, regular meditation, HONORING my own body; not just expecting it to perform without being honored and loved.  Realize it is DEFINITELY not about the destination and every bit about the journey.   Calling my primary tomorrow and getting my referral to an orthopedist, AND cking out the Y, their pool and Jacuzzi, also found some strengthening exercises for bursitis of the hip, and well it’s on.  Nothing can keep a Goddess down, well cept maybe a sexy GOD.  <grins>

This is what I know for sure as we walk hand in hand into this new world.

I am a being of light and will honor myself as such.

I let go of all anger, and desire to control anyone but myself.

I have purged all the crap out and now can start brand new

I am all about reinvention and am ready for the task at hand

Went on volunteer.org today to MAKE manifest my willingness to serve. 

I love, am love, will love---every road leads to love cept those that lead to the shadows.

And STILL I RISE. 

Watch a goddess on fyah!!

****I surrender to the universe for my highest good and that of the planet!! I surrender! Pfft!!! <3

Me-- Raw and UNapologetic!

Shanti – RAW!

Disclaimer: If you have delicate sensibilities you may not want to read this or perhaps it is meant for you too, and then if needs be walk through the loving door at the right marked exit. 

I contemplated going through my friends list and making cuts if necessary; however thought this would do the job succinctly.  Just going to put ‘me’ out there, with a BAM!!  I would call it a mission statement but it is not one, it is ME, Raw.  A RAMBLE, a rant, free writing, no filter, open and unapologetic! 

I am 45 years old and have been around the block a few times, leaving grooves in the pavement.  I am proud to be 45 and know that I am perfectly imperfect.  If I don’t make at least five mistakes a day, I check for a pulse.  I have made many ‘mistakes’ in life and OWN THEM ALL.  I do not blame anyone else for anything.  I look in the mirror and own my damn choices.  I will not dim light for anyone. 

Please add the word “too” to every word listed:  funny, loud, sensitive, loving, clean, determined, giving, strong, powerful, twisted, raw, sexual, primal, free, educated, thought provoking, loud (yep had to add that 2x), raw, unabashed, opinionated, SEXY, vibrant, colorful, verbal, wild, blatant, honest, emotional, witchy, spiritual, crazy (I keep coming back and adding to the list) lol, sensual.

And I’m NOT sorry… just saying that makes me laugh with happiness.  I did not just ‘find’ my sexiness cuz I’ve lost almost a 100 pds.  I’VE BEEN SEXY, when I was at my highest weight.. (350) I still danced, albeit for shorter periods of time…. Lol.

I used to care about labels, thank God/dess not anymore.  You don’t believe in me… that’s acceptable, you don’t have too.  I believe in me enough for the universe; I do NOT need, I want.  If I want, I own it, embrace it, claim it and call it mine.  My prayers are not asking but THANKING IN ADVANCE…owning it, knowing it’s already mine!  

Do I believe in God, yes, Goddess, yes, Jesus, that he was an enlightened spirit…the son of man sent here to die for us.. nope.., my God/dess wouldn't do that to his/her son.  I … yes, I, speaking only for self, believe religion is about control and true spirituality is about connection to self and source.  I believe Jesus was married (history supports this) and had MASSIVE sex with MM. I’d like to think so. 

I honor all religions and choices (honestly cept for bad driving ones.. URGH)  OMG… and I can’t stop feeling up my own muscles.. lmao I did it at least three times in the last hour.

 

Ohhhkay I LOVE SEX.. yup you heard it… I LOVE SEX.  Did she just.. yup.  I have the libido of a 18 year old young man and ALWAYS have, no it’s not the change although that might be coming for me … lol  I have always ALWAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS NEVER had that kind of headache.  I have makeup, boot and tatts fetishes.  I love primal sensuality and embrace the fire goddess within.  I want to make love to my mate under a full moon, rolling in the leaves. 

I believe in love, in light, in passion, in goodness, in creativity, in personal space, choices, boundaries, fae, earth, universe, (damn I smell good…what  frackin perfume do I have on) lol, creativity, truth, equality, and COMPROMISE… I agree to disagree and to keep loving whether one is in my life or not.  I do not like hard rap, metal or old school country..there are exceptions.. yeah I rock out at Patsy Cline and love the “bugle boy” from the Andrew sistahs.  I purposely misspell words and use ellipses like a flu patient goes through tissues. 

I like sex and candy <lol> both the song and the words, although not much of a candy person WELL not at all.  I used to have salt thing but weaned that offa my life and waist.  I may decide to get the skin removal surgery at some point, I may not.  I may choose to leave my damn neck alone and stop with the anti-aging crèmes that gave me a rash much worse than any wrinkle there.. lmao

oh wait.. I will use candy if in a hmmmm intimate way.. lmao YEAH I went there.  I love Eminem’s music <most of it> and Tupac was FRACKIN amazing, really deep soul there.  I am also sick about classic rock.. whut whut…what you know about Black Magic Woman by Santana and Hotel California by the Eagles … two theme songs from my life.  I do not like the song achy frackin bracky heart and am not a fan of mullets. 

My hemlines are shrinking with my waistline and WHAT THE F* DOES age appropriate clothing mean to me…whatever the frack resonates with me!!! 
I miss my aunt and I’m still in mourning… six months and 21 days and STILL in mourning… might be in mourning for YEARS I don’t care.  I own it. 

I unequivocally love my children JUST THE WAY THEY ARE.  They don’t have to be anyone’s version of successful cept their own…who the hell am I to judge that for them???? Pfft!  I tell them when I see them resonating in what I CONSIDER dumb ass energy and leave them to do their own thing.  My oldest has me saved on her phone as Satan and I find it fracking HILarious since when she is in the store her iPhone announces, “Satan is calling” .. I told her not to change it.. people’s faces must be PRICELESS!!!

I don’t find Seinfeld funny… and adore I love Lucy, the honeymooners and well the frackin Flintstones..  I am not really big into TV anymore, rather spend my energy writing, dancing, singing, or yes GOD/dess having sex.. Lmao …

I DETEST automated phone systems.. DEEEEETEST and curse them quite colorfully on the regular.  Have an extensive vocabulary and choose to say the word FUCK whenever not in the company of wee one’s and elders.  I honor my elders and our young ones; they BOTH have much to teach us

I REVERE personal hygiene and scrunch my nose at funk.  I’ll love you anyway FROM FAR away…can’t help the gag reflex contrary to a one of my puppy’s belief.. lol

I am less and less judgmental everyday… hey massively so.. PROGRESS!! YAY… and truly honor everyone’s choices… I retrain my brain every damn minute!! I work out six days a week.. moving to five days this week..same 30 miles tho.  Was just feeling up my shoulders again…

So there ya have me in nutshell.  I am honorable, loyal and not promiscuous since I was 17 years old <runaway>.  I will pick up a sword and fight back to back with any loved one <if really necessary…thinking a global zombie attack or whatnot>

I love everyone… and am not afraid to show it, I dance in the shower and finding lotioning and potioning to be  sensual experience.  Life is a sensual experience to me.

Now… ah ha!! If you found yourself offended, put out, in anyway
please, take love and light as you make your way to the blinking exit sign OVER there -------------------------------->

take one lei and all that it represents, and I WILL love you from afar!!!

Pfffffffffffft! Lol

Throwing hands up in goddess position.. yeah this is ME RAW! UNAPOLOGETIC AND ON FIRE!

A New Dance

There are dances we are locked in

Our bodies adjusted to move

Learned by repetition and rote

Oh how painful the news

We cooperate with this dance?

Denial is the clue

Looking inside,

Excavation we must do

Why does this serve me

If it causes so much pain

Why do I stay,

For me what is the gain

Fear paralyzes our movement

Leaving us to the dance

That we’ve bled from before

Robbing us of our chance

Instead of a dip

We must learn to fly

Forgetting the fear

Keeping us locked up inside

Yes you will hurt

And feel all alone

Dancing solo

Not the show you have known

No pity, no blame

No guilt and no shame

Owning your choices

Wild spirits can’t be tamed

So learn the new steps

Your own powerful routine

Let go of resentment

Your soul light and clean

Spinning around

Disregard for the rest

Let your spirit fly free

Tangoing  your best

You remember your passion

Your love and your light

Reveling in the pleasure

That burns deeply inside

Everything is new

Your heart open wide

Some things might hurt

but there is a star inside! 

The Life of Pi

Just got out of the movie and for something that was supposed to take my mind OFF serious topics, it had the opposite effect.  I nosedived neatly into a visual masterpiece of emotion.  I have never heard the story or read the book, I had no idea it was about a young boy from India.  ::gulp:: Or that the opening theme song would sound so much like Lata Mangeshkar reminding me of the melodious overture of my chaotic childhood.  Through magnificent 3D technology I visited my ancestors country immersed in the colors and majestic visions of India. 

 

I thought, great choice Shanti, and was immediately reminded of what Crystal Andrus often says, what you resist, persists.  Okay, I emotionally buckled myself in for the ride, no coincidences.  The movie was definitely a visual feast, but that was not all.  It was spiritually provocative.  Pi, named for a gorgeous ‘pool’ in France is a truly open soul (much more than most) who sees the dots that connect and only his mom seems to understand his sensitive nature.  Pi has a strong desire to understand and come to terms with the illogical and sometimes unfair circumstances in life.  He is convinced that all animals have souls, because he’s looked into their eyes and seen it, and that “Richard Parker” the tiger can be his friend, and is not just a beast as his father had told him. 

A series of unfortunate events take place and Pi’s faith, endurance and tenacity are tested and instead of withdrawing from Source, he surrenders to the journey and the powers that be (raises eyebrow, coincidences me arse)

Surrender to the journey eh…

Pi screams out to the heavens at one point, “ I have lost everything and given myself to you, what more do you want from me.” 

What magnificent wonders lay in the barren lands of our lives, just waiting to be discovered, we are in such a hurry to bypass the not so wonderful aspects of life that we rush by and never notice the terrain.  There are so many nuances of wonder that are there for the noticing and taking, even in the uncertainty there is beauty. 

When Richard Parker and Pi, part ways, Pi’s eyes fill up with tears and he is choked by emotion not because their journeys’ have separated but because there was never a goodbye, no closure, no chance to give proper due and respect to their path together.  ::clears throat:: yup no coincidences … I think that is part of the reason why Darsh’s death is so hard for me, no preparation, no I love you … goodbye.  No chance to tell her how much she was and is a part of my being.  I sobbed quietly in the last row of the theater  feeling my aunt very much next to me. 

Did mention I took myself to the arcade since I was early for the movie <smiles> and that I took myself to dinner after, using my waitresses pad to write all of this down in a frenzy.  Did I mention that I tonight was alone BUT oh so NOT lonely??? That I am grateful for the faith both I and the universe have in me. 

My cup runneth over.  Now into pj’s cuz WELL it’s almost PJ SUNDAY AND I DON’T WORK OUT TODAY..booyah babies.. I’m getting rest!!! 

A Brave Girl

I’m not the same, I’ve changed

 I know your eyes cannot see

The powerful butterfly wings of eternity

that have broken the cage, the cage without a k key

She no longer exists

She is now gone from here

I have nothing left to prove

In my spirit, the mirror is clear

I won’t even try to convince you,

You will have to see for yourself,

If you ever loved me enough

To now make that attempt

I had to get up and try,

It did take a brave girl to get here

Not one afraid to cry

Not one afraid of her shadows

Or even that she might die

I stood alone with the darkness

Looked into my own abyss

Understood the demons that lived there

And still made a choice to live

Was it ever so seductive

to set up shop in the dark

never have to root in the wounds

 make a fire out of a spark

 I had to get up and try,

It did take a brave girl to get here

Not one afraid to cry

Not one afraid of her shadows

Or even that she might die

There were incentives

To fly towards the light

A chance to break chains

Help our children shine bright

I did not expect it to be easy

Nothing of worth ever is

but, I am made of stronger stuff,

Armor made of Kelvalr, dig?

I am woman enough to do this

Goddess enough to try

I won’t ever go back to pity party

That caused me to dim my light

If you love me, you’d want to know that

Get to know the me, I’ve always been

Minus the lies, acting, blame and shame

That have always been associated with my name

I had to get up and try,

It did take a brave girl to get here

Not one afraid to cry

Not one afraid of her shadows

Or even that she might die

No BS -- Bah Humbug!

Bah humbug.  Yes, I said it, and I am really okay owning that feeling.  I don’t even want a Christmas tree this year, I will not rain on anyone else’s Christmas, I personally am just not planning on really celebrating it.  I am not cooking, not wrapping, not decorating.  I am not, it’s not real, and I won’t fake it for anyone. 

Last year I set an all high bar for Christmas celebrations.  I worked my ass off because I wanted a ‘perfect’ Christmas.  I bought and wrapped about 300+ presents for children, grandchildren, friends, my aunt, her boyfriend, my little cousins, my ex, etc.  It was magical, I swear all we needed was Santa sliding his arse down the chimney and handing him a cookie, a deviled egg, or a glass of eggnog. 

This year however has sapped that Christmas spirit in me, I’m sure this too shall pass, BUT IT HAS NOT YET.  I miss my aunt, I never expected her to die, and for this many changes to happen in ONE year.  My little cousins are GONE, and they are hurting, and there is little I can do to help.  FRUSTRATING.  I made promises, I keep my promises.

 

I have had SHOULD’S up to my fracking eyebrows.  You should ‘get over it’, you should be more excited about the grandpeeps  Xmas, you should, you should.  The only thing I SHOULD do is take care and HONOR myself and my heart says I’m not feeling this commercialized version of a once amazing holiday.  I bought my kids something, my grandkids and one friend, that’s it … I’m done.  I don’t even want presents back-- <shrugs> I never got that whole grief is harder at the holidays thing, until now. 

So leave me to my mourning, I’ll be done when I’m done, if and when.  If you care then you will respect that and not try to make me fit in your ideals of what I ‘SHOULD’ be doing.  Pfffft.  I love myself way too much to fake it. 

Now if we could have Ma and Pa Ingalls in a snow storm, with a fire and maybe handmade gifts, with real heart and love… yeah I could be down with that, but I don’t see that happening right now. 

And still I rise!! <3

The brand new me, I USED to be!

My mind had been contemplating empowerment for many years now, trying to make sense out of the first sentence of the book by M. Scott Peck, “The Road less Traveled”:  Life is pain.   I put the book down at the moment and said… who you ‘fracking’ telling, and never picked it up again.  What, I thought, did a book have to teach me about pain??? Really??

Now, I get it; acceptance, ‘be’ing, learning, growing from the pain, and life isn’t always pain, NOT EVERY second of every day, but it will happen  as a catalyst for growth and knowledge.  In 1991, in New Mexico, I had my first encounter with SVT (Supra Ventricular Tachycardia), although I didn’t know it then.  I went to the hospital where the doctor told me I was having separation anxiety after moving half a country away from the chaos I knew to unfamiliar chaos. 

Years later, as the ‘episodes’ continued sporadically especially raising three teenagers and my ex-husband walking out in the middle of the night almost seven years ago (went and had a new life, no contact for three years until my youngest daughter and I found him in NC, new life, no word, no divorce and still I will never harbor an ill feeling… choices)  I went into the hospital where my cardiologist said you have the heart of a 15 year old, your kids are killing you…  FF to Jan of 2010, I was going to the mall in Cambridge with my ex-boyfriend and felt one of these ‘palpitation episodes’ start to happen, and I thought... oh shit here we go.  

This episode was unlike any other, the medicine used to restart my heart (never knew what they were doing to me during those 6 or 7 ambulance trips from 91-2010, well the medicine didn’t work and as the EMT’S placed the paddles on my stomach, nearby just in case, I blinked in umm horror, I said ummm what’s that for <knowing full and well what they were for> , after being transported to Mass General, and having a TEAM surrounding me complete with paddles, and all the accoutrements that come into play with a potential code blue, I realized … these were not regular palpitations, something was seriously amiss. 

“Atrial fibrillation is an erratic rhythm that occurs within the upper chambers of the heart (the "atria"). All of us have cells that occasionally beat out of sequence from the normal activation. If these skipped beats occur rapidly in succession, they can cause the cells in the atria to no longer activate in a smooth, uniform, and sequential fashion, and instead activate rapidly and chaotically, creating a series of rapidly circulating wavelets of activation, resulting in all the cells of the atria activating between 250 and 500 times per minute. The atrial chambers quiver when this occurs and no longer pump blood efficiently, permitting blood to pool within the atrial chamber, and on occasion, clot. When this happens, small portions of clotted blood can shower from the atrium and cause occlusion of blood vessels, even in the brain, and thereby cause a stroke to occur. In fact, it is estimated that 15% of all strokes are caused by atrial fibrillation”

After all those years, they had A RECORDING of it.. YAY, so on March 17, 2010 on Saint Patty’s Day, I had an SVT Ablation, and four days later I went to the first concert of my life.  I saw Alicia Keys at the Agganis Arena in Boston.  I was breathless and a little nervous but once she opened her mouth and sang her light into that audience including me, I hooped and hollered like a 13 year old at a Beiber concert.  I knew that night that I could JUST BE ME and light up the world.  I knew I could do what I LOVED, be joyful and live a happy light, so today, I heard “A Brand New Me” that was so ON POINT, it could’ve been written for MY journey.  Wow. 

I cried, and cried, the journey since I saw her in Boston to now.  Lessons, losses, and loves… well then.   Now I’m embracing my dream to let my life be a testament to the power of the human spirit.  To help young women know they have choices, they can be EXACTLY who they are and be PROUD of that.  I’ve wanted to be the change for years; I’ve just now grown into it. 

Brand New Me lyrics by Alicia Keys.

It's been a while, I'm not who I was before

You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore

Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see

Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me

Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame

Had to grab my heart back

God know something had to change

I thought that you'd be happy

I found the one thing I need, why you mad

It's just the brand new kind of me

It took a long long time to get here

It took a brave, brave girl to try

It took one too many excuses, one too many lies

Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

If I talk a little louder

If I speak up when you're wrong

If I walk a little taller

I'd be known to you too long

If you noticed that I'm different

Don't take it personally

Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me

And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Oh, it took a long long road to get here

It took a brave brave girl to try

I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies

Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend, you want to get know me again

If you were worth a while

You'd be happy to see me smile

I'm not expecting sorry

I'm too busy finding myself

I got this

I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion

I'm not waiting for your ok

I'll never be perfect, but at least now i'm brave

Now, my heart is open

And I can finally breathe

Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free

That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me

Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me, yeah

I learned that not everyone is going to be happy when you change for yourself, but that doesn’t matter.   We are here to shine, that is our job, our ONLY job, find the things we love to do AND DO THEM with all of our passion.  I have learned and grown so much… it shocks ME.  Thank you Darsh, thank you everyone who believed and THOSE who didn’t believe in me, thank you for making me a fighter.  I’m grateful I cry, that I feel, that I love so hard and for eternity. 

I’m a brand new me.   I think this brand new me is the me I started out as, matter of fact I recognize this spirit looking at me … it’s my little girl all grown up and ready to PLAY, live in joy, doing what I love, paying forward the light.  I am so in love with life and light, with me, with you, with the passion in possibilities.  ::sighs::

Extreme gratitude is my attitude.  I am blessed. 

LOVing me, LOVing you.  See Darsh you were right, I am strong, I can do this, I CAN do anything. Hand in  hand my partner in crime, you may have left this PLANE of existence but I will carry you WITH ME FOREVER! 

P.S.  It might be time to read that book, “The road less traveled” .. or maybe I just lived the lesson!!!