Shanti's Mantra!

I AM...

embracing and reveling in the birthing of my previously dormant athlete, no longer restrained, the petals of my exotically transcendent soul blossoming in intense and blissful self-awareness as I am enveloped in an intimate, primally abundant love affair with self/soul.  I AM both the leader and follower of this deliciously intimate and sexual tango with self/source, recognizing and owning that my celebration of discipline forges a clear and powerful ally with my soul's reemergence into the glory of self-reliance..

11/25/2013

Shanti Shaharazade 

this gyal on fyah!! <Caribbean Accent>

RIP Darsh.... the dots that connect... May 16, 2012 at 3:37am (REMINDER TO MYSELF)

There was a time when I looked at challenges as ominous monsters prepared to consume me. My heart raced, adrenaline flooded my bloodstream, sweat poured from my skin…and I imagined the worst case scenarios, however; now thanks to learning (through painful lessons of course) and utilizing tools I am studying and putting into practice, gleaned from various sources, I saw a quote that succinctly describes my status now… and that is… “An arrow can be shot only by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it’s going to launch you into something great.” This is a hell of a pull backward. I cannot lie. Losing my aunt is more painful than I could ever imagine. This beautiful blue vibrant planet was only made more so by her existence which has now changed back to its original state. Yes I am happy for her… no more pain, no more leg braces, no more separation from my uncle and grandmother. I get it I do, but the ones left behind can only celebrate and GROW through the pain.



Darsh and Korin

I am learning how to see the dots of connection though, retrospectively looking at the last year and all the things that happened. I left New York to come help with my two little cousins, while Darsh (my aunt) was recuperating from screwing up her knee from a bad fall. She had Guillain-Barre syndrome as a child, and had extreme ankle and foot pain from that and diabetes, so falling for her was that much more detrimental. She had to go to a rehabilitation center, so I was home with the children and my uncle. We had beach trips, trips to see my aunt, more beach trips, a lot of love, some tears (the wee one had never been separated from her mom), we had challenges, dance parties, etc. We took Darsh (my aunt) on day trips, and had BBQ’s over the house of the man I would soon call my partner, and that would become my home. She tried for three years to get us together; neither of us was initially interested in each other based on our first meeting. She persisted over the years, and we became a couple ten months before she died.

At her funeral, lost cousins found each other; tears were shed for the years not spent together, phone number and emails exchanged. The much older generation found themselves staring at faces they had only seen as babies. Cleansing tears were shed, hands were held, and bonds were reborn. Cars were piled into, homes were shared, mattresses dragged onto floors, and we made it through the cremation the next day.


8/11

I personally got to reunite with my three little cousins, Gabby, Alicia and Amanda. I am so blessed by these ‘super’women. I feel as though three amazing souls have joined my ‘nest’.I loved meeting Damien my lil cousin who promptly told me at five about a dinosaur that roamed the earth 65 billion years ago? (I think that’s right, lol) my kids, my little cousins, my mom and I laughed so hard I think we broke or at least strained muscles those two nights. I knew Darsh was there and I knew she was laughing uproariously with us all the way. We celebrated her life the way she loved to live her life…WITH passion!!!!


8/11

I see the dots that connect… if Darsh hadn’t hurt her knee; I would never have come here, spent precious time with my cousins Kelsey and Korin, or have been with Terrence, I would never have reunited so deeply with my aunt. We became sisters in truth once again. I am so grateful that I got that extra time. That I came. That we loved each other since we first met. I was 3 months old, she was 2, it was Guyana, SA., and our friendship had begun. It will continue, I will always talk to her, feel her, know she’s standing by my side.There is no forgetting, the tapestries of our lives have been interwoven so tightly, that I will sigh, maybe cry and resign myself to wait until I too cross back over to Source to sit in that rocking chair with my aunt. Oh Darsh you are so missed, I know you saw the love, light, and clarification that came when you passed. You already know the pain we all feel. I miss you so much, and it’s so much harder now that I’m home and not distracted by the amazing young women in our family.

I miss you baby, your life was not wasted… I will walk my talk, and always love me enough to stay sharp for your daughters as well as all the young ones in our family.


kelsey beaming summer 11

So life pull me back… cuz I know you’re going to shoot this arrow directly into pure authenticity and vibrancy, it will all be paid forward… onward and upward … I am ready to fly!


Shanny and Korinny

Acts of Worship (what shapes a superwoman) Part I June 20, 2010 at 10:24pm

The other night as I couldn't sleep, I perused Netflix to find a movie that I felt like watching. Acts of Worship’s little blurb held my attention - an indie drama set in NYC’s lower east side and thought VOILA!! Alphabet city, one of my old haunts, I didn’t take the time to read the reviews, just forged ahead into the movie. What a movie it was/is…at first I just watched the pavements I had pounded cross the screen, then as I was pulled into Alix’s world, my heart was torn asunder by the trials and tribulations of the her life on the streets which reminded me so much of myself, it tore the layers of my soul wide open, exposing the sensitive nerves. I went back in time, reviewing the movie and thinking of my life, watching it through the eyes of a different person, the woman I have evolved into, as opposed to the eyes and heart of a young wounded child. Since I have watched that movie, I have cried, sobbed, introverted and am fighting to find the lesson on this leg of my journey. Did I really conquer all of those obstacles with only the assistance of Great Spirit and gentle angels along the way? Did I really stop drugs cold turkey, was I really the girl who almost overdosed when I was 17. I watched Alix smoke pain pills in a stem and had forgotten the name of the name of paraphernalia. I had stepped away from it all; I didn’t remember that you could burn your fingers from holding a stem. I had forgotten the lingo… two Loosies, a screen, and a stem. It all rushed back to me, overtaking my emotions, submerging me deep in the past. The past is said to be useful and instrumental for learning. What am I supposed to learn from remembering? Am I to understand how far I’ve come, and how hard I can be on myself because I’ve never valued money? I’ve always gauged my success on the fact that I walked away from that life without looking back, so successfully in fact the memories didn’t surface until I watched the movie. Was it wrong of me to forget, or am I to be doing more in this world, paying my lessons forward.




I thought by having my children, and raising them to honor their own lives and cherish each other no matter what obstacles we faced, it was enough. Well maybe not enough but a damn good start. It was surreal to listen to Alix’s words… ‘ I would do anything to stop the pain, anything to ease the big gaping hole inside’ I used to feel that way, I used to be that person, I knew the streets the way a coach potato knows the fall lineup, I knew where to go to get clothes, where to get food, the meet up spot for my group, who was in lock up, who was in what group home, and I knew with all certainty that no matter how long anyone in the group managed to spend in one place, we could always see a familiar face on the doo-wop (42th street and 8th avenue), I knew which one of my friends were working the streets, and Goddess, Great Spirit be blessed, I never succumbed to that life for easy money, I looked enough like everyone’s little sister that I was always given free drugs, an every now and then bed, but looking like everyone’s little sister didn’t prevent the predators from getting their hands on me. It seems like another life, as I sit here and type this, it feels as though I am writing this about someone else, and yet I know it’s me. I am that little girl. She has found her home inside me. I know no matter WHAT happens, all the trivial crap that goes on in life CANNOT break me. I think I’m the last one of my group alive. That makes me sad, and makes me want to help young people who think that all adults don’t understand. I understand. I know what’s its like. I’m sure I will write more about this, I haven’t purged it all, so I’ll call this part one. This is dedicated to the kids at under 21/Covenant House, The Door, Bushwick home for Girls, Mt. Loretta (in Staten Island), to April, Harry, Cookie, Gabriel (RIP), Connie, Crazy, Danny (I’ve looked for you hunnie xoxo), Traci (I love you), Officer Joseph Gonzolez, of the Port Authority Youth Division… I’m STILL HERE GONZI...xoxoxo some people stay in your heart forever no matter where they are, and I will keep on loving and living while I have breath and will NEVER GIVE UP. I am GRATEFUL FOR LIFE, because I almost didn’t make it.

The Pangs of Rebirth (December 18, 2012 at 8:29pm)

I am on the road less traveled, stepping out of my comfort zone in many ways, functioning at an ebb and flow, riding the waves of soul and ego crescendos. My soul is growing and so the waves last so much longer, GRATEFUL. I realize in truth that no-one is coming to save me; I am wearing my armor proudly and am my own champion. Being authentic and me, means invariably not suiting someone’s idea of who I 'should' be, to which at times I fall prey. I now have developed my own image of self, and am wearing her regally.

I seem to fall prey to erring on the side where I start caring how my words will be interpreted and have learned to refocus quickly on making sure it is all from a place of love and letting it fall where it may. Cutting the ties of attachment was not as easy a task as I thought it would be. It is definitely the road less traveled, aptly named, for good reason.

I’ve realized that when I was resonating on a much lower level, I would misconstrue those who functioned at a predominantly higher level as being distant, uncaring and arrogant, I truly do get it. Life is such an evolutionary process, you learn, feel slightly sheepish (at least I do), forgive yourself, shrug and KEEP going, tucking the ‘level’s completion flag firmly under arm with a grateful and satisfied smile on one’s face. (Disclaimer: having the completion flag does not guarantee that a spirit may not have to revisit said level for refresher course, just that said spirit will not have to reside there for long periods of time again, usually once refreshed it only takes one short bursts of experience to realize that this is not a desired re-experience)


One must discern the ‘feeling’ of placing a boundary from the ‘feeling’ of wanting to control another. Relinquishing control entirely is not an easy process, at least for me. There seem to come short experiences where I think, but that’s not nice, or not right, not what I would do, or not how ‘you’ should be’ to shortly thereafter realize, that’s NOT my business. Truly not my business because if it does not pertain to me, do what makes you happy, as long as it does not hurt me or others in any way, have at it. See I caught that already.. if it does not hurt me or others. Well, I can control who is in my proximity and who may hurt me, but can I stop others from hurting each other? Voila, I’ve written myself to the crux of my dilemma. I can handle an injustice to me, pffft, that level I had to 're-do a few times but collected enough completion flags that I do NOT stay there for more than a nanosecond, if ever.


Those angels got killed. I won’t focus on the gun’man’ or gun boy whatever; I want to focus on the babies. The fact of the matter is our countries can pass WHATEVER laws they want too, those who truly want guns will get them, there is no way to absolutely control anyone or anything. Who really wants to delve into the illegal importing and exporting of illegal substances, weapons etc. This situation is lifetimes old. We cannot control anyone but self. Religions, governments, parents, teachers and the majority of the human race strive to ‘control’ someone or something; children, animals, religion, law, life, death, even the splicing together of different species to further commercialize the food industry in the name of what, the end of world hunger? Really?


I think that’s what scares me the most and sets me off in these times of tragedy is how vulnerable a human being really is. We cannot control who leaves, stays, loves, respects, helps, contributes, is honest, loyal, sweet, kind, helpful, creative, honest, loving, caring, reciprocal, except ourselves. If the world were really to ‘end’ (and it’s not my personal opinion that it will) there is a not a damn thing we could do about it. Hmmmmm there went that illusion of security eh??? I think that is where the strength is, hidden inside the shell of vulnerability and we don’t think to look there, because when we realize what we do have control over, the rest of the clay crumbles away leaving powerful and sweetly vulnerable iridescence in its wake.

I am there, standing on a majestic, open mountain top facing the uncertainties of existence, reveling in the maelstrom of emotions rushing through my body as I welcome and am in awe of the primal energies that course through my soul. I am there, toes half off the tip of the mountain, sure in the knowledge that I have wings on my back, not sure if they will work as I take the step off the edge. The wind shakes me to and fro, promising to end the debate that my soul and human mind have over the challenge.


You know that feeling, the strong orgasmic rush that is almost too pleasurable to bear, and just a wee bit scary in its intensity, yup that one; however this is that feeling in my soul. The knowledge that I can never turn back; it was a permanent choice that my heart made.

This is my beginning, my rebirth…

Goddess Revealed

Information overload. So much of a good thing it boggles my spirit. I'm sitting in the library, pensively grateful. Never put those two words side by side before... pensively grateful, and yet, that is what I feel. Processing multilayered epiphanies and lessons. New experiences call for even more descriptive verbiage. Bitching was easy, plenty of practice, it flowed easily. I found myself actually wordless for a nanosecond. How do I describe this sublimity?

Breakthrough, breakdown, breakthrough... Pretty much sums up my weekend. I know that this is THE journey... the real deal no bullshit, well because first and foremost, if I try to jump ahead, I lovingly get dumped back where I tried to take shortcuts. In the past, that woulda seriously pissed me off and I might have spent time wah wah wahing. Now, I get it, ohhhh I tried to skip that step, jump over that icky feeling, not FEEL that crap. Each step of the process, no matter how uncomfie, or seemingly useless from our perfectly imperfect, non omniscient perspective IS necessary. Go figure.


So easy to slide back into old behaviors to numb. Self love and vigilance are oh so necessary. NOW I get why. No self love, no resilience for the ebb and flow.

I AM hugely grateful to be a woman. I ABHORRED being female for so many years. I believed the Y chromosomes had it made. Shit, I wanted a wife who would 'take care' of me and the kids. Pffft... I seriously misunderstood gender roles. I slowly began reprogramming and retraining myself to be open to new ideas. Not all men hit women ... okay. Not all men leave their children...nods head. Women may be very abusive as well. Men can be victimized too. Hmmmmm. Verbal abuse is just as or more damaging than physical. Damn this is getting serious... 

Maybe I can be just who I am, passionate, shiny, playful, sensual, primal, STRONG, intelligent AND I will not 'have' to dumb down or remove my luster to feel that I fit in. Holy shit, maybe I do not want to fit just anywhere. Maybe, everything else besides shining brightly and paying it forward is NOT my business. Dayum, heady stuff.

Then after my lil breakthrough and subsequent breakdown .....I watched Femme (themovie.com) and my mouth fell open. I knew this was going to be powerful and it was.

 Much of the information was not new to me after studying the origins of matriarchy and the onset of a patriarchal society. The fact that not only do massive amounts of women know about the lack of balance in our world, but they have moved their arses and are doing something about it shook me to my core. 

"The opposite of matriarchy is not patriarchy but fraternity." My legs literally trembled at the power and truth resonating from this prolific and profound revelation! 



My wheels began to spin...we have all played with puzzles in our life. What happens when you try to force to pieces that are not a match? That shit gets weak, frayed, worn and it eventually breaks. It just does not fit and there is no forcing it. Voila! 

Men and women together are the solution. (XX + Y)= Gaia HEALED. There are masculine and feminine energies in both sexes and we are free to just be, without censure or recriminations, if we retrain ourselves to JUST BE.  The joy of authentic living is ours for the taking. It's a choice. Yup...it's some uncharted territory, but all the views on this road are splendiferous.



So now what?

A call to ACTION... 

I love being a GODDESS revealed!  

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!

So I am now waking up with clarifications about life. How amazing is that? I spent yesterday primarily with my youngest daughter and granddaughter. I did get to spend a wee while with my oldest daughter and grandsons yay! I love them all silly.

I am aware that my children are under the impression that I sit in judgement over their choices. I did once upon a time, having decided that I (pffft.... knew best) bwahhhhhhhh haaaaaa haaaaaa.



I do NOT reside in judgement.... Whoooo hooooo progress. I do reside in contemplative observation. Soooo Gracie, Alanna and RJ, here's what's up...

I fucking love you. (PERIOD). You are amazing beings of light and I respect YOUR journey. I am not and have never been BETTER than you, as a human being, a parent, a friend etc. I have blundered hugely on my journey as we all have and will. It is part of the human condition to err and change because of the unique experiences that only our own soul knows. 


There is nothing you or I for that matter, have ever done that makes us 'bad' people. There is only the NOW. We are EXACTLY where we need to BE to have the exact experiences that work out for the highest good. Case in point...I am überally grateful for everything that led me having three gorgeous children and three and a half sublime grandpeeps. EVERYTHING! I'm sure you are aware nuff of my journey to get what I'm saying.



Thank you for choosing this crazy ass soul to enter this existence through. Courageous lil bastids eh?

No shame, no blame, no judgement! DO YOU! I will adore you now and forever!