Not all those who wander are lost!

I’m still in awe over daily epiphanies.  I read JRR Tolkins, LOTR when I was still  in single digits and have always loved this quote but never had it resonate on multilayers of my being before. 

Sometimes I just have to go back to the basics, when times and situations are exquisitely catastrophic in nature,  returning to the actions of our most innate primal being, allowing the feeling and healing to commence begets calmness in time.  

Leaving Taunton for the birth of my granddaughter Nyra, reuniting with my little cousins Shaharazade and Teresa, meeting their “Knight in Shining Armor” Tim, saying adieu once again, always a bittersweet affair, then 24 hours later, it was time for a reunion with my parents, one traveling from Puerto Rico, the other from Florida.  My son Rj hustling his arse between the airport, Taunton, Fall River and work, my youngest daughter Alanna becoming a lovingly reluctant family motel. 

Did I mention all this occurred not a full week after I left Taunton and that in less than three weeks I’m on my way to Dallas, and this is the most courage I’ve ever had in MY LIFE. 

Then…

The shiznit hit the fan leaving the entire family collectively gasping with hollow hearts.  BLINDSIDED!! Stunned we all continued putting one foot in front of the other… my dad returned to PR, my son retreating to safe distance and the rest of us still on the front lines.  Each of us struggling to make sense of life’s fantastically horrifying and soul stirring twists and turns. 

Tempers worn, nerves frayed, very little sleep and hardly time for self-care, I truly believe we carried on swimmingly, lotsa apologies, a few slammed doors but for the most part staying in the light as much as we were able.  

Mom left to join Dad in Puerto Rico and that was the straw that broke me wide open.  I find it so interesting how women in one family can ADORE each other so much from a distance, missing each other the moment they are not together and annoy the hell out of each other so much in person???  Family of origin triggers?  (shakes my head smiling) 

So there we were, the group dwindling, Alanna and I blinking like owls trying to make sense of THIS storm’s tempestuousness.  She retreated to her quiet place with Genesis…I made my way to my temporary bedroom and FELT.  That was some serious SOULstrip action going on.  RIPPPP!!!!! Smh… left that on way too long, I think it took a few layers of my heart, which at first felt horrible but it catapulted me a little faster through the dark tunnel towards the light of my own understanding.  OUCH.. but umm yea.. grateful. (eyeroll)

I had planned on getting inked for the anniversary of my aunt’s death.  (more about my aunt here:  My Aunt) I wanted to commemorate the eternal love and bond between my aunt and little cousins Kelsey and Korin.  My daughter told me about an amazing tattoo parlor, Heritage Ink so I stopped in and met Ashely, I could tell, like me, she too was divergent and her spirit sang of independence and light.  Yup, it felt right. I didn’t even shop around, it FELT right.  I’ve learned to pay attention to my feelings.  What my beautiful siSTAR Crystal called the internal GPS.  Made an appointment, and set about finding out exactly what I wanted.  Two K’s, one upper and one lower case to rep the wee cousins and freaking flowers for my aunt.  <SMH> Darsh has jokes.  I never actually liked flowers, until I ran into a lotus blossom, and suddenly after death… FREAKIN flowers are all I want to express my love for her.  WTF?? I know she’s laughing, I can feel it.  So above the original Darsh (tattoo)  I have on my right arm with heavy purple shading, her favorite color I now have the Maori symbol for “life gives and life takes away” with the K’s. 

... For ME, because well let’s face it.. ya gotta take care of yourself, I got a cute baby elephant, huge eyes.. holding a blue.. (yup Brandon) butterfly, and the Shakespearean quote “What’s past is prologue”

The blue butterfly references my miracle on the mountain in NC, and Brandon well, he just brought the whole thing together. I still get a heart squeeze when I think of that.  These mini yoda’s and tiny guru’s, I love learning from children!! 
(more about The Blue Butterfly, the miracle and Brandon here..)---Blue Butterfly and Brandon

I perused Ashley’s page, screen shooting some of the soul stirring quotes and checking out her work, becoming more and more excited to commemorate this resting place on, MY road less traveled.  siSTARS know siSTARS, and I was almost anxiously anticipating ‘me time’ the day after the anniversary of Darsh’s death, and needing to honor the love, sadness and the ISness of the journey.

For me, the conversation, connection and reflection speaking with another one of Lilith’s daughters (rising divergent goddesses) getting ink’d with all this hugely meaningful testimonies and markers for my awakening, something shifted. 

In those moments as the needle pushed through my skin, all of the pent up pain of the past three weeks, from packing to leaving, goodbye’s, cya later’s, family situations, the pangs of uncertainty that may trickle into our ISness if we do not stay mindful, rose to the surface and dissipated back into Source.  I was again forged in the fire of change born of pain and could see the journey from a codependent, enabling, resentful, martyr (SMH) to the my rapidly awakening true self, a divine creatrix mindfully watching my feet fall solidly onto the crystal bridge that I am choosing to see, utilizing only my divine sight to guide me. 

Brand new levels of trust in self, in source, in YOU, for we are all connected six BILLION expressions of the divine.  WE ARE the same, all source energy expressing itself UNIQUELY. 

Thank you my soulpod family for holding space for me whilst I held my breathe temporarily submerged in the abyss… a guest but no longer a resident,  thank you for the love (it’s in all of us) that anchored me..  You know who you are!

How far I've come:  from whence I came... 

oh now I gotta take off an additional 10-15 pounds.. not sure because I don't weigh myself anymore.. but DAYUM I am bloated.  LOL huge self love commenced!  pfft!