Oft times, I sit in deep contemplation at the myriad of things
I feel. I explore the ever changing
horizon of my own personal terrain constantly trying to make sense of it, and
perhaps this is where I can learn to love myself a bit more kindly.
Early this morning as Denae quietly drove us back to her
home after the long ER visit, we passed a row of uniform homes in a
neighborhood that triggered an old, deep memory. Ohhhhh I thought, it’s my teenager that has
been so frightened lately. ..had my
lightbulb moment, NOW that makes so much sense. When I was teenager, I was driven occasionally
from family court to new group homes, always watching in trepidation and dread,
not knowing what new situation I was walking into, and that is exactly how I've been feeling lately. PTSD has been triggered! SMH, how did I not see that... (forgiving myself).
In order to not get my ass kicked on the
regular, I created a really tough persona; I still loved in the ways I could, without
appearing overly sensitive.
I AM overly sensitive and have always been. I pushed fear and anxiety deep into my body,
soul and mind, so deep it could not seep out.
I put serious LAYERS upon LAYERS of food, addictions, weight, codependency,
anything I could to keep that crap locked up tight where it could stay
hidden. I had my first ‘technical’ anxiety
attack in 91, Las Cruces, New Mexico, a young mom with three babies and a
confused, angry, sometimes violent husband, I was rushed to the hospital with a
speeding heart rate, I was diagnosed then with separation anxiety. (I was separated FROM ME/GOD/dess)
After the breakdown of my first marriage with its cycles of
abuse, and many horrific episodes of LIfetimeESQUE
911 calls and a few domestic ‘home invasions’ , I was diagnosed with
General Anxiety Disorder. I was a HOT
mess. Couldn't sleep without nightmares,
didn't function during the days, I was depressed, despondent, and so full of
shame. I wanted to be ‘like’ everyone
else and roll with life’s punches. I
wanted to NOT feel things so deeply. I
wanted to be ‘regular’ … what does that mean anyway?
So I spent this last winter going through the panic attacks,
weaning myself off of the psychotropic antidepressants, anti-anxieties and
sleep meds. I spent the winter in my
room, except for the gym, store and appointments. I worked out, read, wrote, learned, and faced
many of my demons. I know I am called to
be of service, just wish that came with a little more ‘direction’. So I threw myself out of an unhealthy
environment and instead of taking it slow, I jumped all up in my GOTTA be of
service energy and ripped so many scabs off at once… (gulp) .. yea I forgive myself. I left
my tribe and went in search of ME … out ‘there’ … it was all in it’s perfect
timing to learn what I had to learn.
That’s it okay to be me… sensitive and raw.. <shrugs>
will it last forever, I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s okay to be
exactly who I am in the NOW, in the ‘is’ness.
Do I get scared, oh hell yea, and I’m still leaning into the ‘fears’ …
still here even though in some moments it can feel as though some spectral hand is gripping my throat. Yea, I know that to look at me, one may not
see the layers of processing going on underneath and that too is okay. It’s all in there. I am perfectly imperfect, SO ARE YOU, so
whatever you are dealing with, anxiety, depression, panic, blame, shame, weight
and/or any kind of addictions… whatever, we are all perfectly loved as is, and
we will find a way through it all. I’m
not fucking apologizing for my existence ANY longer. What the hell is normal anyway????? (diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, PA... and I'm still ALIVE...sans meds...)
By the way I’M SENSITIVE.. yup I AM! The people who truly love me/you won’t even need
to understand it, but keep loving you... isn't that beautiful??? So there's the gift of it, I DO NOT need to understand it all myself to just love me AS IS. Nods head. What a lesson!
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