Kicking down the walls... NO SHAME!!

Oft times, I sit in deep contemplation at the myriad of things I feel.  I explore the ever changing horizon of my own personal terrain constantly trying to make sense of it, and perhaps this is where I can learn to love myself a bit more kindly.

Early this morning as Denae quietly drove us back to her home after the long ER visit, we passed a row of uniform homes in a neighborhood that triggered an old, deep memory.  Ohhhhh I thought, it’s my teenager that has been so frightened lately. ..had my lightbulb moment, NOW that makes so much sense.  When I was teenager, I was driven occasionally from family court to new group homes, always watching in trepidation and dread, not knowing what new situation I was walking into, and that is exactly how I've been feeling lately. PTSD has been triggered!   SMH, how did I not see that... (forgiving myself).

In order to not get my ass kicked on the regular, I created a really tough persona; I still loved in the ways I could, without appearing overly sensitive. 

I AM overly sensitive and have always been.  I pushed fear and anxiety deep into my body, soul and mind, so deep it could not seep out.  I put serious LAYERS upon LAYERS of food, addictions, weight, codependency, anything I could to keep that crap locked up tight where it could stay hidden.  I had my first ‘technical’ anxiety attack in 91, Las Cruces, New Mexico, a young mom with three babies and a confused, angry, sometimes violent husband, I was rushed to the hospital with a speeding heart rate, I was diagnosed then with separation anxiety.  (I was separated FROM ME/GOD/dess) 

After the breakdown of my first marriage with its cycles of abuse, and many horrific episodes of LIfetimeESQUE 911 calls and a few domestic ‘home invasions’ , I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder.  I was a HOT mess.  Couldn't sleep without nightmares, didn't function during the days, I was depressed, despondent, and so full of shame.  I wanted to be ‘like’ everyone else and roll with life’s punches.  I wanted to NOT feel things so deeply.  I wanted to be ‘regular’ … what does that mean anyway? 

So I spent this last winter going through the panic attacks, weaning myself off of the psychotropic antidepressants, anti-anxieties and sleep meds.  I spent the winter in my room, except for the gym, store and appointments.  I worked out, read, wrote, learned, and faced many of my demons.  I know I am called to be of service, just wish that came with a little more ‘direction’.  So I threw myself out of an unhealthy environment and instead of taking it slow, I jumped all up in my GOTTA be of service energy and ripped so many scabs off at once… (gulp)  .. yea I forgive myself.   I left my tribe and went in search of ME … out ‘there’ … it was all in it’s perfect timing to learn what I had to learn. 

That’s it okay to be me… sensitive and raw.. <shrugs> will it last forever, I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s okay to be exactly who I am in the NOW, in the ‘is’ness.  Do I get scared, oh hell yea, and I’m still leaning into the ‘fears’ … still here even though in some moments it can feel as though  some spectral hand is gripping my throat.  Yea, I know that to look at me, one may not see the layers of processing going on underneath and that too is okay.   It’s all in there.  I am perfectly imperfect, SO ARE YOU, so whatever you are dealing with, anxiety, depression, panic, blame, shame, weight and/or any kind of addictions… whatever, we are all perfectly loved as is, and we will find a way through it all.  I’m not fucking apologizing for my existence ANY longer.  What the hell is normal anyway?????  (diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, PA... and I'm still ALIVE...sans meds...)  

By the way I’M SENSITIVE.. yup I AM!  The people who truly love me/you won’t even need to understand it, but keep loving you... isn't that beautiful???  So there's the gift of it, I DO NOT need to understand it all myself to just love me AS IS.  Nods head.  What a lesson! 

www.shutit.com

So I've had a few schizophrenic loved ones, and I must admit, I've always been curious.   Like all up in their grills wanting to understand the experience of hearing voices.  Clearing my throat, I would ask, “ummm what do they say” or “how do they sound” … pfft.  Lemme be honest, I hear voices all of the time, now granted they are not OTHER voices, but they are indeed voices.  For me, it’s the voice that says… Shanti, WTF are you doing??? What happened??? Changed your mind???? Again???  AT 46???   

So there I am today, again on the Katy Trail, (God Bless the Katy Trail) fo REAL!  I was thinking as I was re-listening to 3 of the “I can do it” talks, absorbing Ms. Gabby Bernstein, Anita Moorjani and Dr. Wayne Dyer again, and having them reiterate what I know to be true, that we are ALWAYS loved, no matter what we do, no matter what we chose, no matter if we have road rage in the morning or not.  Whether we turn off onto what others perceive is the bravest road we can take or we divert onto a path only we can understand… it is what IT IS.  The shame and the blame… nu uh.  USELESS.  Wasted energy, but still there’s no judgment in that either, it’s what we were trained to do, and what we now choose to ‘retrain’ …

So there I was thinking of how I came to be on this journey, and how I realized that I don’t want to be the absentee Grandmother who sees her grandchildren once a year.  I bitched and moaned FOR YEARS that I wanted a tribe, a family… then I turned around and saw… my little tribe.  I saw it in my grandchildren’s faces when they talked to me on skype.  I felt it in the wistful tugging of my heart as I watched my two youngest grandpeeps playing, smiling, beaming, but.. but.. I want to be a part of that. 

So there I was conflicted with all the voices up in my brain.  Shanti, isn't it your job to go … be the change… is/was that location specific??  I can be the change anywhere right…so what was I looking for??? ME..and I’m everywhere! <so are you>

There is massive turmoil in our world.  I can feel it, before the news reports it, my energy feels ‘twisted’ … well no matter what it is, coming, going, shifts, changes…. I want to be able to throw my arms around the little people and be there.   So, do you hear the voices and the naysayers??  I think that’s the ego, fearful of not being needed, anxious at the thought that passion is leading.  IF we do something because we believe we’re obligated, and not for the joy of it, I think it loses the power of love. 

My/our only obligation is to be happy, and that may twist and turn like the currents of life’s rivers.  My understanding is that we’re exactly where we’re meant to be, doing exactly what we need to do, so let’s just breathe into it, maybe we all don’t know ‘together’ … maybe we’re all just finding our way one brave step at a time. 

I don’t believe in failure, I believe it happens the way it’s supposed to even when we cannot make sense of it, in the ‘now’ness. 

So those voices… yea lovely… thank you but ummm I got this, and since we cannot fail at what god/dess has sent us here to do, it’s all good… onward and upward!!!  Does a muppet shut the mouth motion at the ego!!! Yuh!!  

Cutting OURSELVES and other's some SLACK!

Soo … I’ve been thinking, something bout walking (meditative movement) does it for me.  I mean really does it.  I’ve not been sleeping well AT ALL, and there’s a part of me that just does not want to get out of bed in the morning and just wants to chase Morpheus, but I head out anyway, knowing that there’s golden nuggets to be found 8-10 miles later. 

I’ve had a lot of conversations lately and although I’ve been wrestling with my own shit, my humanity, I still pay attention to the general tone of our soul pod and I’ve noticed some interesting things lately that cumulated into some serious epiphanies on the trail today.  

I’m gonna start and end with this sentence.  Can we just cut ourselves and other some slack????  WTF??? We are all having a HUMAN experience.  As far as I’ve seen and ascertained, this is NOT Mount Olympus and we are subject to the same qualms, fears, doubts, joys, and uncertainties that everyone else has.  Now granted ya may not know what your neighbor, family member, ex’s ex, bf, gf, aunt’s, parents.. teacher, student.. old lady down the block.. etc is going through because they may have to hide it for the sake of their own sanity.  It may look as though they have their shit neatly packed in a 12 x 12 box, all sorted nicely, edges tucked in, no seams showing, coiffed just right, but under that facade, we have NO idea the kind of shit storm is going on. 

Those really broken people acting like assholes… <yup me too> are HURTING, they have no idea how to get themselves out of the abyss.  We/I/you might think they do because something they said and/or did alluded to the fact that they have a clue, or we can judge other’s by what our PERSONAL best is….. but I truly believe we have no fucking idea.  Ever watch a wounded animal???  They lash out, they turn into giant crazed beasts that need a mofo tranq gun just so they can be cared for… remind you of anyone you know?

We are all on this mofo big BIG BLUE rock together and in my HUMBLE opinion, I think we all miss HOME, and by home, I mean back with Source in eternity, cuz it sure as shit looks like we’re all trying to recreate the experience of perfect belonging.. yea ummmmmm this is a HUMAN aka FLAWED (perfectly imperfect) experience. 

So when I arrived on May 22, in Dallas, and headed to the Katy trail for the first time, I looked up at the hill I had to climb and thought…FUCK.  How the hell is my ‘wounded knee’ (yea I took it there) gonna do this?? (if you’ve been following,  then you know about my fall down the stairs and subsequent slip and fall with the whole stretching of my ligaments shit)  so leaving behind the knee and foot brace in Mass, cuz well I just didn’t accept that as part of my reality, I gazed up that hill and thought hmmm here we go. I limped for the first, second and MAYBE third week, I mean seriously limped… my knee felt like it was gonna slip out of its groove, but I kept going.  As I walked that long ass, tree canopied trail much understanding of my own soul and journey became clear.  I got so much about my own limiting beliefs.  How much I JUDGE myself, how self-talk can cripple us or make us scale mountains <not at mountain status YET, but I’m twerking on it> just who was I trying to prove shit too??  Smh.  I came on this journey to be my best me, which includes PLOT TWISTS, yup you got that… you deserve PLOT TWISTS.  How the fuck are we supposed to know how we feel about shit if WE DO NOT TRY??? 

As I walked up and down the trail day after day, I would tilt my head to the side, inhaling.. ummm there’s “Red Door” .. Definitely some “Polo” going on,  oh wait there’s “Beautiful” and ummm yup “Light Blue” by Dolce and Gabbana… so I began wearing my Elie Saab (smiles) … I noticed some women wearing full track suits complete with JACKETS.. yo it is HOT out there… why the fuck are they all covered up, then it began to dawn on me, just because I am currently loving my 220ish pound self does not mean everyone is embracing themselves.. ahh I get it.. and maybe they are ‘sweating’ it all out. Who the hell knows????…   who cares?? They are human and deserve LOVE…      some people smile back, some people don’t, is it PERSONAL??????  Um nope, maybe they are in the groove, maybe they are thinking about their spouse or sick parent/child, again who the hell knows??  

And that’s my point... we do not know, there is NO WAY we can know for CERTAIN unless we climb all in another’s being, we have no idea what shitstorm they are walking through.  Just like you cannot know for sure what it feels like to be me, even with my sharing all my shit, it’s still not the experience of being me. 

So for me… FOR ME… I intend to look at everyone with the eyes of love, I cannot fucking ascertain how much pain a person is in.  Who knows why some people are trying their hardest to destroy other’s lives??? Smh.  I am here to DO MY BEST, what SHANTI perceives as HER BEST (3^rd person feels so weird, lol)   but that is the truth of the matter, I didn’t come here to make everyone happy, I came here to be joy exemplified, that’s my job, to shine MY light as brightly as possible, (makes serious concentrating MUPPET FACE) that’s it.  

So DO you, beYOUtiful, don’t worry about the naysayers, the doubters, troublemakers, gossipers, insecure, the backstabbers… IMHO, they are in lots of pain, and more than anything paying attention to that behavior will only add darkness to a world that needs more light.   

So thank YOU for being YOU, thank YOU for choosing to get up today and be the BEST you can be (your best only to be DEFINED by YOU), WE fucking rock … for an existence that did NOT come with a manual I think we’re doing p r e t t y damn well!!!! 

So your choice??? Part of the darkness or part of the light?? Fear?  Or LOVE. 

I choose love EVERY TIME (sometimes after some thought, it most definitely is not always an instantaneous, spontaneous response)  <3

Let’s cut ourselves some slack … that then carries over into cutting everyone around us some slack… let’s raise the collective consciousness!!! 

Extraordinarily Average and Normal!

I’ve given average, "normal" a bad rap.  In Crystal Andrus's last 12 week telecourse. we were asked to listen to a group of words and to pick the ones that made us feel badly, the ones that trigger us.  Average and normal slipped right on by.  Ego has a way of being suspicious at best and vicious at worst!  So true!!

I was so in love with most aspects of my life.  I simply adored being AWAKE… bounding to my feet to the gym, go go go. Planning, imagining, feeling, manifesting, I stayed busy, so busy in fact I didn't have much time to process all the changes I was putting myself through.   I gave away my shit, and honed my belongings down to 1 box, suitcase and carry-on then I dipset on my life back east to experience an extraordinary existence.  (smh)  you can shake yours too, do you know what’s coming???  So I flew however many miles to Dallas, I successfully weaned myself off a buncha anti anxieties, and embraced courage with A VEHEMANCE... fo shizzle. I flew without a pill or a drink leaning in the turbulence with rediscovered enjoyment of the ‘is’ness.  I thought longingly of my grandchildren but replaced those thoughts with…  I can give them a BETTER me, maybe a faraway me but a BETTER ME. 

I came all the way to Dallas primarily to visit a siSTAR, Denae and to go to the “I Can Do It” conference in Austin for a weekend with another siSTAR, Kristina.  It was amazing, and A LOT of powerful, soul stirring, gut disturbing information.  Ummm yea.. I chose to dive straight into ‘material’ OVERLOAD, because of course I had <simply HAD> to start reading, researching, and implementing but, I hadn't caught up with being on this, my first trip solo journey in a LONG time (minus one short Amtrak trip to Florida in 2010)  

Okay so my thoughts became more and more about ‘doing IT right’ … how do I speak to young women, and how do I get myself OUT there.  smh … can you see where this is going???  EGO...  edging God/dess out.  I did.. . I concentrated so much on being connected to source; I knocked myself right out of the realm of expansion and contracted myself right into fear’s grasp.   SHIT!!!!  

Are you feeling me??  So my dream is to speak to young women, to stand before them and show them that they have choices, but to do that authentically I must utilize mine, and if creating this dream out of nothing, like that <snaps my fingers> is overwhelming to me, I missed something…. Damnit…  I must function in JOY, the sheer joy of existence.  Nods…  Last night talking to Yola, today to Kristina I realized … omg … my trigger is “average”.   I don’t wanna be average, and I started thinking about that word, average… a small apt cuz I just want a small place, a small car (I’m not a big car chick) what’s wrong with ‘normal’?  What IF I rock my ‘normal’ life with such verve, passion and shininess …nods head that it makes me giddy with joy, well then by the very definition of the experience my normal life would be extraordinary… right?  Right!  So what’s a goddess to do???

I am putting together the tools I've amassed and sticking them into my tool box, heading back to Mass.,  to feel the hugs of my grandpeeps,  to look at my children in the eyes with love and to **shine** .. AS, ‘JUST ME’, a woman on the road less traveled.  Not hugely spectacular unless you know the whole story but grateful and happy.  I have a feeling that that’s enough, cuz I am/you are ENOUGH as is. 

When it’s time for me to speak to young woman, the angels know where to get me <smiles> we CANNOT fail at god/dess’s purpose for us.

 I’m gonna just LIVE and be happy, enough WORK for a little bit.  I’d rather go get a job, and let my spirit VEG and process for a minute.  

Rainbow Warriors - We are Called!

I was a club kid in the 80’s NYC dance scene, from the village to midtown Manhattan. I partied at clubs like the Roxy, Danceteria, Latin Quarter, Paradise Garage etc. I was a runaway on and off during those years in group homes, a foster home or two, and a lot of time on the street.  I had a lotta peeps, and many of them worked in the sex industry. I was very lucky, and never did (there but for the grace of Source went I) but that didn't stop me from looking for love in all the wrong places. I had minimal self-esteem and self-worth, and was convinced I had no voice and what I had to say did not matter. I was NOT comfortable utilizing the word no. Acquiescence, I felt, was my contribution to the world. It was all I thought I had to offer.

I found myself doing a bit of a stint in a drug program called Promesa, in the Bronx.  I met young people from all walks of life. One angel was named Gabriel; an amazing soul, reminded me so much of one of my favorite uncles, Taj.  My mother's youngest brother was also an amazing man and a shiny spirit!  He loved as exuberantly as he lived… OUTLOUD.   He pulled no punches and had no compulsions about being blunt, sharing everything that was on his mind.  

I digress.

Gabriel and I spent many hours talking and dancing, memories of him slipping on my gorgeous brushed suede tan peep toe pumps, he taught me or should I say reacquainted me with the hustle.  I had watched and imitated my uncle for years!  Gabriel had a challenging past, ostracized from his family because he was gay and a drug user.   I didn't give a shit what he was all I knew was that his soul was sparkly!  We all however cycled in and out of group homes, foster homes, incarceration <yea I was lucky again.. no jail for me>so much that we lost contact, I never saw Gabriel again.   A few years later I found out he succumbed to AIDS and I remember feeling like I got punched the stomach.  I was beginning to lose loved ones to this fucked up disease that no one seemed to know anything about.

Fast forward…

I found out my uncle was diagnosed with HIV, by that time I had known and lost many people from this senseless, confusing disease and I was living in a world where my earlier seemingly innocent promiscuous nature now had a deadly flavor.  In 91’ living in Temple Terrace., Florida, working at Met Life, I was tested, petrified by my uncle’s diagnosis, I just knew I had it; I went and got tested.  There was such a waiting list for the results that it took a month and a half for my results to come back.  I was so scared that I was manifesting signs; I was constantly nauseous with flu-like symptoms.  I cried hysterically when I found out I was HIV negative. 

I moved to Harrisburg Pennsylvania, with my babies.  My Uncle Taj, came to see us, all the way, from NYC by himself.  He never gave a shit that I was the black sheep of the family. He never gave a crap what people thought of me. He just saw his niece, point blank that’s it.  He sat across the table from me eating a pound of bacon for breakfast. I looked at him asking if he really thought he should be eating that?? He replied, does it matter now? I looked at every one of his features, at the evidence of Kaposi Sarcoma on this face and asked him if he was scared… He looked at me and said, petrified.   

He died about two years later and the year after, I became certified by the city of Boston as an STD/AIDS prevention peer educator and I began to teach women to how to have safe sex, and to love themselves. It's funny because at that time I didn't even know how to love myself, but I knew there was something more than waiting around playing Russian roulette with our lives. 

Fast forward… After 9/11, I moved back to Massachusetts from New York after a stint as a retail manager, I became a housing advocate and case manager for clients with HIV. I knew I wanted to give back, I knew that there had been loving, caring, nonjudgmental souls who had nurtured and loved my uncle…  I wanted to ‘love’ that forward.   

Now that I truly understand self-love, I want to be of service; share my life. I know that if I open myself up, turn myself inside out and show my seams, being blunt, living raw about what's really going on as I strive for the highest expression of myself… then there is no other outcome, but the raising of the collective consciousness.

Are you a rainbow warrior too??  How can YOU be of service right now?  Smile at the next person you see, help someone, hold out your hand…

Are YOU a Rainbow Warrior??

We have choices. We can shine our light brightly. We can choose to be ourselves in a world that would have us be clones.  We can choose to research, take precautions, we can say no, loving ourselves in action, not just with words.  Where is your courage? Show me your brave! I'll show you mine. I am still here, and we FUCKING matter!

I was inspired to revisit why I have/had been an advocate for those who are on this “life” journey with HIV, by a man that to me, epitomizes the word hero. I am blessed to have 'happened' on his excursion into the depths of the human experience through a woman I call a universal sibling. I've been watching his expedition, continually inspired and refortified by the courage he exemplifies. 

As I was packing my life up into 1 suitcase, carryon and box, saying goodbye to my family chasing the desire to ‘be of service’, Bob has been choosing to share of himself in raw and unfiltered displays of courage.  As I was watching his documentary, the first thought was how dare I bitch about my journey, then the empowered 'remembering/retraining' kicked in ...what's important is… how can I be of service? 

Bob has chosen to walk his talk, sharing his story with as many people as possible, carrying a banner of hope, determination, tenacity, courage and raw truth.  He refuses to give up, to allow HIV to define his life, instead HE chooses to rally in the face of what could have been a debilitating tragedy. 

It sincerely stuns my spirit to realize that Bob contacted HIV after one unsafe act, at the same time I was engaged in many unsafe practices on the street.  Why him and not me? 

I know that I will be of service in any and all ways possible to facilitate the eradication of this PREVENTABLE disease.  Enough is enough.  We will not be silenced.  Taking Bob by the hand, we are ONE!

What can WE do?????

Educate ourselves

ERADICATE the stigma <such bullshit>

Learn how to use our voices

Be A PART of a growing collective to JUST BE OUR DAMN SELVES

PREVENTION!!!!!

Please educate yourself, watch this raw, courageous documentary about Bob’s ‘in your face’ choice to be of service.  

Click HERE to watch The Fire Within!
don't forget to donate WHAT you can!!!! 

Right here-----> Documentary's donation spot!!

What else would you add to this list??? Let us know, you can contact Bob at:

Join Bob on Facebook!!!

Bob on the internet! One Tough Pirate!!!  

Let’s RISE together and banish this disease for ONCE and for all. I choose to stand and be a part of change… who’s with me?

LET'S HELP Bob get the word out!!!!