Merry Xmas -- I still believe! (December 17, 2010 at 2:43am)

When I was a little girl, Christmas held the promise of being magical. No matter how splendiferous the promise of goosebumps and potential, Christmas always paid her tab. It didn't matter that I still felt alone, it didn't matter that my parents argued, or that I could see sadness in their eyes, it only mattered that Christmas was magical. 

My dad or mom would get me from home and bring me to city to pick up the other parent, and we’d walk from Rockefeller Center to 34th street and sometimes back. We never went ice skating in front of the majestic tree, we didn’t hold hands or give each other hugs and kisses, that didn’t matter either. As I stared at all the window displays with their images of joyful revelry, it was enough. It was enough to know that someone dreamt of such magic, and the joy was evident in the faces of the workshop elves, the Santa’s ringing their bells, the scent of the chestnuts roasting on an open fire (literally), in people holding the doors open for each other, in (unusual for NY) kindnesses. There was something different in the air; it was the promise of all the good in the world. It was the hush that fell across the streets.



As children, before our dreams were challenged and discouraged, we believed, we had faith that the best would happen, we knew that we were worth the magic… that is the spirit of Christmas. It isn’t whether you believe that it is Jesus’s birthday or not, it is enough that such a loving man once walked the earth and was the change he wanted, it is enough that Saint Nick a Christian Bishop gave to those who had less, who needed a little something more.

It’s not about money, not about presents, not about a tree.. .. it is about our hearts, the magic contained therein, the hope of possibility. If I am lonely I will go and give of myself to those less fortunate and find love within the eyes of those I can touch by service. If I am without family I will go to a homeless shelter and hold a child. It is not how many presents are under a tree that defines Christmas, but the love, hope, and giving spirit that resides in one’s heart. Christmas is a season when many hearts are burdened by sadness, loneliness and depression due to family circumstances, choices, memories, etc… why not let it be a time for refreshing the childlike spirit locked away behind the doors so willing to open and once again step into the magical land of possibility. Maybe it is not what we see, but how we perceive what we see through our kaleidoscope of spirit. I still believe.

Love and light and THE MAGIC of Christmas! <3 none of us are alone! <3

Dear Darshini

It has been 580 days since you left this plane of existence and it still feels weird that I cannot pick up the phone and talk to you. There have been so many changes in LIFE since you left, and although I know in my heart of hearts you are soaring with magnificent, opalescent butterflies, I know that some piece of you is still here in me, in your girls, experiencing life with your loved ones. . I never thought there would be a day that there was no ‘us’.



There was an ‘us’ for as long as I can remember. We had such a love/hate relationship, which is usually reserved for sisters, but without a doubt you were my ‘elder’ in so many ways. You experienced loss first, and that is more powerful than the elements, with its smoothing and resurfacing capabilities. Loss was a stranger to me, I had never said goodbye to someone so important to me before.

In the shower about an hour ago, I thought of my eventual demise, and how those who love me will fare with the passing of my soul to the infinite. It will happen as it must, and I truly understand the circle of life now. How does anyone feel when losing a loved one? People go through this and so much more every day. We are a race of survival. We are built to continue …. for the painful memories to recede from the excruciating forefront of one’s mind. I never thought I’d stop crying.



Your departure left a vacuum that I have chosen to fill with authentic life… it taught me so much. I will not ‘waste’ a moment, they are far too precious… really and truly never thought there would be time on this gorgeous blue rock without you… and yet, so many things you said to me now resonate deeply. Although you thought I was batshit crazy for many of my wandering ways, you would always temper the incredulousness with sentiments of pride and go on about my courage, wishing you had it. YOU DID … you made it through Taj’s and grandmother’s death. I am sorry I had no idea what pain you were in.



All those years, making do with life, when you were done, you held on for your girls… you held on when you could find no more meaning in life. You told me, you tried… my thick skull would not comprehend that the pain had left such a hole in you, that losing the girls was it, the final straw. I understand now. I do, because unless I had taken the journey back TO my own core and found my own value, I might too have chosen to be done.


Thank you for loving me so completely, I’ve realized just how much our relationship meant to me, and how fortunate I was to have a ‘guardian’ … I guess when we met, you at age two, and me a couple months old, we imprinted… that bond was MASSIVE.

I miss you, although I can feel you and still talk to you. There is so much about this journey I would share with you, crazy thing is, you wouldn’t get it until you were where you are, and unfortunately well .. <smiles> you get that right?

We were supposed to be in two rocking chairs one day… and I’m holding you to that, just gonna have to be surrounding with the splendiferous view of the afterlife, tucked lovingly in Source’s arms.



I am brave, you were right. I understand now why you said you had to go first. I didn’t get it at the time, but I do now. I love you so much, and I can say that for really now, cuz I love me first. Thank you for having those girls, do you know how much this is all wind beneath my wings???

I can only speak for self when I say your life was lived well, and I will NEVER forget you… how could I … every time I pick out a dark color to wear, I see you roll your eyes…. Every time I wear red lipstick and I see that happy smile… 

You will always be my number one peep <yup still have it>

Always….
Your baby….