Once upon a time there was a little girl who stood out. She was a red flower in a sea of yellow, and
she hated it. She wanted nothing more
than to be yellow with the rest of the flowers.
She did everything she could to be like the other flowers. She bleached her petals; she cut some of her
most vibrant blossoms off, dulling her fragrance with anything and everything
not to be conspicuous, in any way. After huge trial and error, she found that if
she could just forget her own radiant red, and convince herself that she was just
plain yellow, that would be what all the other flowers would see. She knew that somehow she still didn't fit in
perfectly, but the little ‘orange toned’ (still red but covered with giant
yellow ink blots) flower didn't care. To
fit in slightly was better than standing all alone in her spendiferious but
lonely glory.
I never fit… anywhere, and became quite proficient at blending myself into the
background. I lowered my laugh, never
showcased my gray matter, always let other’s shine, because I didn't want to
blind anyone. I knew I was ‘too’
much. I had always been told I was ‘too’
much, and I believed it.
My aunt, no matter how complicated our relationship, (we
were more like sisters than aunt and niece) always ‘set’ store by my courageous
(and insane) behavior. It was always a
double edged sword… she would tell me … "you are fucking crazy, I wish I was
like you”. I mean literally, I’d have to
say a good 30 years of hearing that. I
didn’t quite understand it at first. I
thought she had it ‘better’… isn’t that the way it always goes, especially
WITHOUT communication. Darsh and I ran
away together for the first time when she was 13 and I was 11, our parents were
in Hawaii, and it was the foundation for both our even closer bond AND the families already
tenuous at best, regard for me.....after that she choose to stay at home and 'deal' and I chose to leave and 'live' ... so she played it safe, and I played it crazy.
About 2 years before she died, I went into her room and said…
sooo I’ve been thinking about red lipstick, she said..what??? what.. she got up
rather quickly and started rummaging through her things. WTF???
She pulls out a red lipstick, a red shirt and a black bra. She hated my wearing sports bras. LOL I’m
looking at this explosion of red and started to shake my head no.. she plunked me down, and started rearranging…
next thing I know, I’m looking very vibrant and feeling quite uncomfie, but
smiling at Darsh, realizing how happy she was just for bringing out my red vixen.
I kept the lipstick but HARDLY ever wore it, I always
keep/kept the things that loved one’s give me, no matter if I liked it or not,
had a use for it or not, just because I treasure love. So I waked around with that lipstick for the
last four years. Yup, for my daughter
Gracie’s baby shower, I really had no idea what to wear, so I decided on kid
friendly and sassy. Wore red, pulled that red lipstick out of my make up case
and knew, by scent, it’s going bad.
<Makeup does go bad yanno>
and thought, I am NOT throwing it away.
I will keep it, because as I looked at my pictures from the baby shower,
ironically standing next to my cousin who reminds me of a strong male Darsh, I
loved MYSELF in red. I really did. Like woman with that silver mountaintop, you
are looking quite delish with that red on… blink blink.. yea really??
I’ve grown into my red.
I AM UNIQUE. Not trying to
blend. I LIKE standing out and being
different. I am honored by my very
existence. SunFire is my native name,
given to me in 94, I didn’t like it, I used moonfyre, instead... but, somehow it never
felt like mine, so changed it back to SunFire recently.
I’m okay with who I really am.
Imperfections, absurdities, mistakes and all… I am ME and I wouldn’t
have it any other way. I love my boot
wearing, sometimes swearing, silver tresses curling, butterfly wings unfurling,
perfectly imperfect self! There is no
destination, it’s about the journey. My
aunt knew I was that red flower.. SHE knew and she loved bright colors..
ohhhhhhhhhhhh wow.. I get it, get it… she wanted to be a red flower. Awww she was.. she just bought into the crap
too. Thought it was better to fit
in. No, I understand now, that complacency
is akin to waiting to die for me now. I
have to go LIVE.
It’s time…
I am a fire dancer...
This Dakini is rising!
"The color red is the color of energy, passion and action
This color is a warm and positive color associated with our
most physical needs and our will to survive. It exudes a strong and powerful
masculine energy.
Red is energizing. It excites the emotions and motivates us
to take action.
It signifies a pioneering spirit and leadership qualities,
promoting ambition and determination. It is also strong-willed and can give
confidence to those who are shy or lacking in will power."
