soulFIRE!

I personally do not believe in coincidences.  Not anymore, not at all.  I see beauty everywhere, literally, found a feather after working out today with my little sister, and just stared in awe at my discovery.  When you believe in miracles, you find, see and get them.  Making room in one’s life for positive energy is a necessary part of the process on the road to what Jeff Brown calls enREALment. 

http://soulshaping.com

Yesterday, RIGHT after having a conversation with one of my siSTAR’s about the symbolism of moths, one solitary moth entered the house with my son, flew past him and T, bypassed my veggies on the stove and just sat there.   Of course there is a story behind why that is uber amazing however; this would turn into a book <smiles>  

Connecting with my little sister again is a miracle in and of itself.  I got her in the divorce  :p, she is worth a million times her weight in alimony.  What a brilliant shining light she is, but I’ve always known that.  We have not seen each other since her daughter; my 9 year old niece just began walking.  Perfect work-out pardner (yup I spelt that way on purpose… ), dedicated, loving, funny, just straight up choosing to be authentic, wonderful young women.  We spend at least ½ hr.(total)n laughing… (we did NOT laugh much on the elliptical today.. ouch) made up for it on the treadmill during circuit training.

Another siSTAR, Lycania Leaena Luna of http://lightbodyactivation.net 

posed this question yesterday, “What were the games you played as a child, ya know the kind when no one was looking and you were alone in your rooms with only your imagination and toys at hand?”  

My first response was: “I was a mystical belly dancer with my mom’s authentic mantillas.....lol”.  Today, however; I remembered more.  I typed, “Lol I had VERY long hair so I did Princess Leia, ISIS, and Wonder Woman...I was convinced I was a lost babe born of the amazon warriors.” to which she typed back, “awesome Shanti! you must've been so adorable! a wee little priestess warrior in service to source!!! xo keep awakening to that darling and in so doing you honor that part of self that is authentically you”.

At first my soul just glowed, and then I realized in a bit of awakened astonishment, that most of my childhood pre the runaway years (11-17) when alone were with arms wide open to GOD/dess, Source <etc.> How did I forget that?  I remember the Catholicism aspect, because a greater part of it scared the beejeebers out of me, but how did I forget what my soul knew then? 

I remember twirling around with my hair streaming down, doing the Isis <Shazam/Isis> hour, listening to her talk about the goddess.  There was no way that this siSTAR knew that what she said was going to spark memories so precious and forgotten.  Dancing many different dances, mantillas wrapped around my shoulders… longing for castanets. 

I bought into ‘the story’ … I bought into FITTING in, into average, mediocre, repetitious and part of the crowd so I could blend ‘story’. I sit now here shaking my head in disbelief and wonder.  I went on a quest to MAKE myself lovable <I already was>, to PROVE I was worthy <always have been>, to heal those around me believing that I was the cause of the rifts <never had to do with me>, choosing to give away every ounce of the light in me to prove I was good enough… I have always been good enough… whooo hoooo. 

I saw the light in me today and I blushed… lol I am a beautiful expression of the divine, we all are.   

Yup I do love everyone .. 

 yup the “good, bad, gorgeous, sad, big, small, straight, crooked, pretty, ugly, average ” , (labels.. pfft.) Even Shakespeare knew, “by any name shall smell as sweet” we choose our definition by training to the word.  I’m in control of my NOW. … We are all expressions of the light, we just choose in the now and that is freaking magnificent.  Imma feed that momentum!   <smiling bright like a diamond >

So thank you for adding to the magnificence of my  ‘in love with the NOW’ choices and experiences.  I get it all NOW.  Living with love, authenticity, kindness, compassion, purpose, gratitude and forgiveness in the NOW makes life JUICY.

** I came home today to love in a package.  It’s the heart gifts you do not expect that mean the most, I swear.  It was so lovingly packed, the love with which it was sent was palpable.  I sniffed the packing envelope before I walked in the house… heather??  Wow.  My cup does indeed truly run over.

I find myself a rich woman.  Rich in every way; blessings, wisdom, humanity, an amazing universal family: perfect imperfection.  I know now to run with this momentum… so onward and upward.  I have horses to ride, gardens to tend, dreams to make manifest, young people to love, my inner terrain to enrich…  I understand the juicy, primal succulence of a life fully lived and I’M JUST ON the journey haven’t reached ‘destinations’  (life is ABOUT the journey) ….

http://www.etsy.com/shop/LisaSteinkeArt

Thank you Lisa for helping be a huge catalyst for this leg of the journey!!! Your art and spirit ROCK!

Of course, thank you Crystal for the tools!!! Badassery indeed!

Badassery I tell you!   

Rawwwwwwwrrrr!!!!!

"I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake your ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter,

dancing through the fire

Cause I am a champion and

You're gonna hear me ROAR

Louder, louder than a lion

Cause I am a champion and

You're gonna hear me ROAR

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You're gonna hear me roar

Now I'm floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero"

 Katy Perry - Roar Lyrics

[Chorus]

I am so freaking grateful, yup there’s that word again because I have yet to discover a synonym gratitude that is even close to expressive enough for my level of emotion… grateful my shoulder is so much better than last week.  Very scary shit, being out of commission, my brain automatically thought hmmm fibro, had/have osteo in the knees and shoulders… rheumatoid arthritis?  As soon  as my thoughts headed off in that direction, I thought  nu uh, this is a midterm <in the school of life> okay time to learn… let me start digging in the pain … hurt badly, my inked, pierced, fibro.. ‘used to the pain’,  *chica*self that I thought I was,   yeah okay.. pfft.

That night I met the limits of my pain threshold, shed love it’s exact dimensions and moved on wide open from the pain.   In bed, I watched  “The Blue Butterfly” while gulping down antinflammatory’s <Advil>, tears rolling outta my eyes, down my face, big ole fat tears, too… callin on Jesus, Mary, Kali, Allah, Jehovah, Source, etc… (yup, sure did) trying to accept this pain as part of the experience, not necessarily a bad thing.   I mean who defines my experience but ME?  I am the author of my story, the captain of my ship, so I decided pain was not bad it was just energy with a story…

I flipped on the TV, since its DISH, if one sneezes, one loses reception.  Went on Facebook for a while getting reinspired,…DISH catches the signal and there is Teen Moms 3, the remote was out of reach .. sounds ridiculous, I know but my right shoulder felt the way Mel Gibson’s shoulder looked in the movie Lethal Weapon.  Then I remembered I had other physical strengths, then utilizing my core and hammies.  WHO KNEW?? Blessing after blessing..

 First scene:  A teenage Latina telling her mom she wasn’t ready to do this alone, tears pouring from her eyes. That was all it took for my soul to tap me on the brain/heart and say  ’you there,  who sometimes thinks,  you’re not doing shit… look how far you've come from a 19+ year old trying single-handedly to fix the(your three) children’s father, change into a pleasing daughter, wife, reformed ‘tough girl’ (with the mushy heart) and then a ‘tract’ carrying, scripture memorizing, NON swearing <yeah I know>, no watching TV, long skirt wearing born again Christian (I have a picture, lol), still in inner turmoil and fighting hard to stay my arse out of the abyss that was ME, spinning plates,  balancing  the tightrope act.  I started out a confused, non-social comfortable, ostracized, martyr complex, catholic school girl, misunderstood (square peg) child in the freakin family,  and school.  Add that to braces, dark skin, knee length hair and for Ridgewood Queens in those years… + glasses & dysfunction, depressed misfit to a self-loving, MISTAKING MAKING, source receiving, co-creating, spirit evolving, RISING GODDESS, learning how to love herself unapologetically, vulnerable, proud, primal, wild woman remembering, choice owning… <ya get the point right> exhales. GIFTS GALORE in that pain.

So there I was … (laughs) gotta laugh!!!!  There I was… uberally (yes, that’s MY word) grateful, hugely appreciative of every nuance of my life… and….

Yup .. the clay around this golden Bodhisattva cracked wide open.  There, in plain view, was that which I’d spent my entire life running from.  Ignoring my intuitive red arrows, numbing and voguing facades until I was grateful for the ENTIRE journey, NO SHAME no blame.

Wham! I cracked open … found out that it truly was the fear of FEAR that kept me stuck.  WOW.  The freaking realization was less traumatizing than the low resonating prison I had reinforced with layers of excuses as to why I should not listen to my intuition, which was ‘reliable’ all along.  The gift is not that I was ‘right’ … it is that I ‘remember’ I can trust myself… I am worthy; we are co-creators, ‘six billion expressions of divine’.

One has to believe in miracles to see the miracles…  I BELIEVE we already perfect.  We are not here to be perfect, we are already divine… we are here to be HUMAN… pfft and yanno what that means right???

Perfectly IMPERFECT AS IS.