and then I fell...

I do not handle failure well.  That means something, doesn’t it?  Let me go check.  Okay I found a bunch of quotes on Pinterest, some of them made me feel like I am a conqueror to even still be here and some of them made me feel like shit for taking so long to stand back up, but que sara, sara.  I’m writing again so that’s something.  In May of 2014 I left on my way to Colorado to open up ‘Breaking Chains – A Village’  a nonprofit organization idea I had/have that seemed so magnificent that I’m still quite shocked that I came up with the idea.  I made it as far as Texas, spent a few months there and ran back to Mass with my tail between my legs.  On my way and in Texas I found I bit off more than I could chew and really didn’t know how to progress or how to handle the obstacles and tricky situations that were unfolding threatening to suffocate me.  Some situations were mine and some belonged to others.  Regardless, I was impacted and depression reared its ugly head, leaving me broken and ashamed, not sure how to regroup and reinvent.  So instead of taking the bull by the horns and quickly delving into some aspect of reaching for my dream, I stopped dead in my tracks.  Didn’t budge.  Wouldn’t move.  Stagnated and slid into the abyss of my own despair, depression and darkness.  The abyss welcomed me with thoughts of “Sure, why ARE you here.  That idea was madness.  Who DO you think you are? Knew you couldn’t do it.  You have no business being alive. OH just end it. You’re useless. etc.”  The abyss grew deeper and even murkier.  It had a choke-hold on me and I allowed it to wrap its tendrils around my throat. Deeper and deeper I sunk until I wasn’t getting out of bed.  I felt like a complete failure.  (see the difference was that I hadn’t just failed I WAS a failure in my mind) darkness was everywhere.  I stopped showering, stopped eating, no going outside, and had dreams of ending it.  At that point I knew something was really wrong, so I went to the emergency room.

Standing there at the window I couldn’t stop crying hysterically.  They asked me how they could help, and not able to speak I wrote on a piece of paper.  I’m having dreams about killing myself.  I stayed in the hospital for a month or two.  It has been an entire year in and out of hospitals. (I will write more about that) and only NOW have I gotten to the point where I realize… okay I FAILED.  NO, I’M NOT A FAILURE.  That’s HUGE.  

So here I am, still on fire for my dream, not knowing what step to take next but knowing a step will reveal itself in time.  So when I say I understand…. I UNDERSTAND.  Things are gonna  hurt and knock us down.  Sometimes people won’t understand what we’re going through and not everyone will be compassionate…. It can be lonely…. BUT  BUT I have three children who love me even though they don’t understand what the hell I’m doing, and five grandchildren that I adore and that adore me.  That’s worth living for.

 

Yesterday my Malachi <oldest grandson> made me a paper fortune teller, one of the ‘positive’ fortunes said ‘that me and noni will be together forever no matter what’  well shit… I have to live don’t I…  I can’t disappoint him. 

 

More to come.

 

To fail does not mean one is a failure – Shanti Shaharazade