I look back
down the long winding road that is my life.
I glance at all the useless blame I’ve doled out over the years; it was definitely
much easier to have someone to be angry at. Laying the culpability at the feet
of another freed me up to nurture massive amounts of self-pity. Self-pity allowed me to feel sorry for all
that I had endured. Was my journey easy,
by no means, in truth however; it was the results of CHOICES that I had
made. Yes, my life was difficult growing
up, in many ways. Do I BLAME my parents
for doing what they knew, no. I
understand now, how difficult it is to lead others while in excruciating
pain. Unfortunately as human beings one
of our learned propensities is to take our pain out on others, thereby ‘lessoning’
it in ourselves. Pfft, ‘Whipping boy
syndrome’.
I walked over to the long, antique
mirror that stood near the open arches, the long voluminous tapestries dancing
with the gentle wind. I looked deeply
into my own reflection, seeing clearly, realizing that every decision had to be
made exactly the way it had been in order for me to be exactly where I am. I can see the laugh lines, the tiny, almost imperceptible
wrinkles that are gracing my face and my neck.
I see Source in my eyes. I see the
passion and fire in my eyes, and can feel the Goddess rising in me. My hair
dances with the breeze as I feel universal primal awareness course all over my
skin, hairs standing up on my arms in response to Source’s energy. I am in
alignment, I recognize myself as the potent, primal being that I truly am, a
spiritual being having a human experience. ‘Already complete, no need for fear,
anticipating trouble not already here’.
I inhale pure light, the iridescence permeating my entire being,
traveling like liquid gold all through my body and chakras. I see
myself; I feel my health, my shining heart, my confidence, working with young
women, being purely authentic, joyful, of service, writing for the sheer joy of
it and I know that in some alternate universe (google: M theory) I am already
the best version of myself, so in truth I own it, I am already there.
One of the most difficult and yet freeing concepts on this road of authenticity is that there is no one to blame, no-one. We, as humans make choices constantly, yup there are repercussions for each and every one. Things may not be ‘fair’ and usually aren't however I truly believe it is not what happens in life but what you do with what happens that matters. I used to be so pissed that things were as difficult as they ‘seemed’ to be. I fought the lessons with every fiber of my being and that is what made it difficult. I had lessons to learn and growth to be had. I chose to come down to this gorgeous planet/spaceship (by another name shall smell as sweet --Shakespeare) and chose to be a part of this experience. I was born to the family I was born into for a reason, I surrender to everything that has happened and am grateful. I am now grateful and shaping what is by knowing I am worthy of the best, we all are. We came here to BE JOYFUL. Think of what truly brings you joy and as long as you follow that feeling, that is a life of authenticity. Because we have been molded by society into ignoring our emotions, talking ourselves out of ignoring our feelings, to bury and numb them, instead of learning from them. I have never believed that hate was the opposite of love. I knew fear was, simply because fear begets hate.
“Our deepest
fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We
ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel
insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to
make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us;
it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”~~Marianne Williamson .
I have long pondered this quote and know it
to be true, that is why many of us have achieved short periods of authenticity
but when it became too uncomfortable, we then numbed (drugs, alcohol, sex,
gossip, drama, jealousy, etc.) and reverted to the ‘easy road’ where conformity
reigns. “Here's to the crazy ones, the
misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes...
the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can
quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you
can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race
forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because
the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the
ones who do.” ~ Steve Jobs
I’m proud and
passionate about being a misfit, and a round peg in NO hole. I am kicking the box, standing up in innate,
Goddess/phoenix energy, owning everything I do in the present (what is in the past is accepted, learned
from, honored, forgiven and put away) because the present is where I live now.
NO blame to anyone, I own me, to blame others is to suggest that they have the
power to change who you quintessentially are, that is giving them power, your
POWER… umm no thank you, I think I’ll take that back, thank you for babysitting
it. LOL I’d rather own it, forgive
myself and move the hell on. It is not
always easy to do, but honestly it does get easier with each try. I have a very tiny delay now before an disempowered
thought back to alignment. ‘I’ve got to admit, it’s getting better all the time’…
Onward and
upward… (picking up the golden, radiant, shimmering pieces of power left over
from reclaiming)
One step at a
time, hand in hand… on the edge!
