The Pangs of Rebirth

I am on the road less traveled, stepping out of my comfort zone in many ways, functioning at an ebb and flow, riding the waves of soul and ego crescendo’s.  My soul is growing and so the waves last so much longer, I am grateful to realize.  I realize in truth that no-one is coming to save me; I am wearing my armor proudly and am my own champion.   Being authentic and myself, means invariably not suiting someone’s idea of me (smiles).  I now have developed my own image of self, and am wearing her regally. 

I seem to fall prey to erring on the side where I start caring how my words will be interpreted and have learned to refocus quickly on making sure it is all from a place of love and letting it fall where it may.  Cutting the ties of attachment was not as easy a task as I thought it would be.  It is definitely the road less traveled, aptly named, for good reason.   

I've realized that when I was resonating on a much lower level, I would misconstrue those who functioned at a predominantly higher level as being distant, uncaring and arrogant, I truly do get it.  Life is such an evolutionary process, you learn, feel slightly sheepish (at least I do), forgive yourself, shrug and KEEP going, tucking the ‘level’s completion flag firmly under arm with a grateful and satisfied smile on one’s face.  

(Disclaimer: having the completion flag does not guarantee that a spirit may not have to revisit said level for refresher course, just that said spirit will not have to reside there for long periods of time again, usually once refreshed it only takes one short bursts of experience to realize that this is not desired re-experience.

One must discern the ‘feeling’ of placing a boundary from the ‘feeling’ of wanting to control another.  Relinquishing control entirely is not an easy process, at least for me.  There seem to come  short experiences where I think, but that’s not nice, or not right, not what I would do, or not how ‘you’ should be’ to shortly thereafter realize, that’s NOT my business.  Truly not my business because if it does not pertain to me, do what makes you happy, as long as it does not hurt me or others in any way, have at it. See I caught that already.. if it does not hurt me or others.  Well, I can control who is in my proximity and who may hurt me, but can I stop others from hurting each other.  

Voila, I’ve written myself to the crux of my dilemma.   I can handle an injustice to me, pffft, that level I had to pass a few times but collected enough completion flags that I do NOT stay there for more than a nanosecond, if ever. Those angels got murdered.  I won’t focus on the gun’man’ or gun boy whatever; I want to focus on the babies.  The fact of the matter is our countries can pass WHATEVER laws they want too, those who truly want guns will get them, there is no way to absolutely control anyone or anything.  Who really wants to delve into the illegal importing and exporting of illegal substances, weapons etc.  This situation is lifetimes old.  We cannot control anyone but self.  Religions, governments, parents, teachers and the majority of the human race strive to ‘control’ someone or something; children, animals, religion, law, life, death, even the splicing together of different species to further commercialize the food industry in the name of what, the end of world hunger?  Really? 

I think that’s what scares me the most and set’s me off in these times of tragedy is how vulnerable a human being really is.  We cannot control who leaves, stays, loves, respects, helps, contributes, is honest, loyal, sweet, kind, helpful, creative, honest, loving, caring, reciprocal, except ourselves.  If the world were really to ‘end’ (and it’s not my personal opinion that it will) there is a not a damn thing we could do about it.  

Hmmmmm there went that illusion of security eh??? I think that is where the strength is, hidden inside the shell of vulnerability and we don’t think to look there, because when we realize what we do have control over, the rest of the clay crumbles away leaving powerful and sweetly vulnerable iridescence in its wake.

I am there, standing on a majestic, open mountain top facing the uncertainties of existence, reveling in the maelstrom of emotions rushing through my body as I welcome and am in awe of the primal energies that course through my soul.  I am there, toes half off the tip of the mountain, sure in the knowledge that I have wings on my back, not sure if they will work as I take the step off the edge.  The wind shakes me to and fro, promising to end the debate that my soul and human mind have over the challenge.  

You know that feeling, the strong orgasmic rush that is almost too pleasurable to bear, and just a wee bit scary in its intensity, yup that one; however this is that feeling in my soul.  The knowledge that I can never turn back; it was a permanent choice my heart made. 

This is my beginning, my rebirth…