I used to have a skewed perception as
to what courage was. I have found
shimmery, shining threads of bright light through the now grey, not still black
of my tunnel. The threads pulse with
power and emanate from my soul. At first
it is difficult to discern the origin of this powerful essence, until I realize
it is indeed my own spirit pulsating with this newly remembered power.
I am aware of all of my thoughts, feelings and reactions. My choices are clear as is the motivating
forces behind them. I am gentle with
myself as I work minute to minute retraining my mind, the way I CHOOSE to be in
the now! I am responsible for my
choices, and I choose NOT to numb in any way. This evening I watched the most
recent episode of a new show, “Banshee” on Showtime. I love the show; basically the premise is of
a thief who among other stolen items has now stolen the identity of a police
chief. There was an explicit rape scene
that quite frankly brought tears to my eyes and a few flashbacks… I cringed and
then watched as that thief/police chief defended her honor in an unscheduled
steel cage match with a prize fighter… my only thought as my mouth hung open
was … ‘where was he when I needed him’ and AS quickly as the thought (old
programming) popped into my head, my new ‘chosen’ programming kicked in and
responded, you are your own sHero, Shanti.
Wow. Yup, I loved myself right through the
flashback and reclaimed my power, in that moment I truly understood what ‘courage’
means to me; I did NOT resort to numbing in anyway, no food, alcohol, anti-anxieties,
sex etc. It is with steel ovaries that I
was able to feel what I felt, express it the way I WANT too and NOT give a shit
what anyone thinks of me, walking MYSELF through it without NEEDING to be
rescued. I got this. I got me.
I am a brand new me. Courage is
not faking it so that you fit in, ignoring how you feel to appear bad ass. It is BAD ass to be who the hell you are, and
stand proud, despite the looks, glances, naysayers, doubters… so???
Our emotions are our
spiritual guidance system. They guide us
to locate the issue needing attention within.
If we choose not to ‘feel’ it because we perceive emotions to be a weakness,
we may be ignoring very important signals from our own soul that show us where
we need work, love, acceptance, patience etc.
As I reset the kaleidoscope with which I viewed the world, I began to
see that we are innately courageous beings, we feel what we feel when we feel it,
and that’s just perfectly fine. I cried
when I saw that scene tonight, I cried hard, deeply, I felt what I felt and that
is perfectly courageous of me.
I am exactly where I
need to be, doing and being exactly what I need to do and courage is now a part
of me well remembered.
