Courage

My definition of courage has definitely changed over the years. 

When I was young and wounded, I thought that baring my teeth and snarling at potential attackers was courageous.  I thought that fitting in, and adapting to the ‘group’ took courage, because it killed my spirit to do so.  I was under the impression someone was going to give a shit that I had morphed myself into the status quo.  I didn't realize everyone had on their game faces and no one was shining brightly. 

You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.~~Aristotle

I mean really… what the hell was shining brightly???  I had no clue. Upon reflection I realize that I did indeed shine brightly at times, and it was those times that I was truly living LIFE vibrantly.  Those are the times I remember with great fondness, love and appreciation. 

Today while I was on the phone with a loved one, I began going through a box of pictures that have been sitting on my floor since winter, and went down memory lane;  my babies, mom, cousins, aunts, uncles… me as a baby, me as a very large woman… well then!

Looking at the aforementioned picture I can see the unhappiness radiating all over me. I was still playing a game, faking that I understood my self-worth.  I didn’t really.  It wasn’t until I watched a meditational video that the walls of Jericho came tumbling down around my feet.  I really understood on a deep level that we are perfect as children.  Perfect.  AS is, as was, without all the programming.  We are innate light beings, no need for us to perform to make adults smile, or to wash the cares from their brow.  NOT OUR JOB AS babies, children, teenagers or adults, and truly understanding that was pivotal for me. 

I remember MANY times in counseling my therapist would look at me and say, “Shanti, it’s not you, you are buying into their story” … I fought that concept with every fiber of my being, that was so hard for me to grasp, it’s not me?? What do you mean it’s not me? Even if we look at the evidence statistically, by sheer numbers alone, it HAS to be me.  How can ALL these people be wrong and me.. ME … I’m okay????  Pfft! Impossible. 

We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.~~Martin Luther King, Jr.

It wasn't impossible and realizing that we are only responsible for self; both scared the shit out of me and set me free in ways I had only previously imagined. 

I was free to:

Own my repercussions <sounds fun eh?>

Forgive myself and others

Lay out a new strategy <it was and sometimes is STILL confusing>

RE-CREATE my life <yes this IS fun>

Create and implement boundaries <can be truly scary>

Make new choices < really like this one>

Revel in imperfect perfection

Love myself and others in a way I didn’t think was possible for me. 

Learn and apply more positive, light affirming methods every day!!!

I do love me NOW,  I know this for sure.  The evidence is all around me.  This authentic journey requires much courage.  The type of courage that will hold your hand in the middle of the night when you wish the facade of a relationship was there to take up space in the dark vast of self where one can get lost until the terrain is understood.  The kind of courage that will caress your spirit gently as ‘friends and family’ walk away not knowing what to make of your ‘real’ self and newly set boundaries, as you stay determined, even through the tears and the … ‘I thought he or should would get it’ thoughts … it’s not always that they don’t get it, it may be that they do, and they have not yet found their treasure trove of courage yet.  

So while you want to dance around with your brand new BFF, ‘Courage’, it could be scaring the crap out of those around you.  Do you change your trajectory, no, just become more understanding that not everyone will be thrilled to watch how that courage drives you to do things that they at this time can only dream of. 

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~~Anais Nin

Bring it... I’m ready!   (I say COURAGEOUS with one eye closed) lol it’s less scary that way. 

Here is the link for that affirming meditation that literally rocked my world so.  

Click here for inspiration

pfft..that behind me?? oh yea, that's a MOUNTAIN!

Was organizing my papers, putting together old journals, entries, poems, etc and ran across this…Well then.  All I have to say is yanno those roads ahead of me, (shrugs), I’m good and grateful cuz ya see that huge mountain…YEA that’s behind me!!!!!!!!! 

  

Subj:  said the new little moon

Date:  Monday, 4 Feb 2002 12:26AM

From: Nuyoureecanmami

Rarely do I set down and not words comes to me, and yet as I set down to write this email, I don’t even know how to begin.  So much has happened.  M y life has always been chaotic and I believed I had gotten used to it.  A few days ago, I received some news about my childhood, that I suspected but was not sure of, because my brain had apparently blocked it out… but as an intoxicated family member starting sharing these memories with me, I knew it was true.  In a nutshell, I was molested as a child, and apparently had suppressed the memory.  Of course it took me by complete surprise and utter horror.  I cried so much, hurt so deep and felt a shame I didn't even know existed but then so m any things, behaviors and choices became clear to me.  I am not just a screw up.  I am a product of my environment.. in fact I am better than a product of my environment…because I broke those chains for my kids, future grandkids etc.  I am not sure what the lesson in my molestation was .but I do now recognize the lesson on this last one.  Last night as I drove home from work on a particularly calm night, crying because frankly I was and am still stunned and reeling from the blow of this revelation and also because I had a horrendous day at work … <because this intoxicated relative is now calling and harassing my kids, even me at my job by phone>   so there I was driving down the highway listening to something can’t even recall and there it was… for the first time in my life I was completely awestruck.  Now we are talking about a girl from NYC who seen just about everything and I was awestruck, forgot to breathe for a moment and just had my eyes fill up with tears again in wonder.

There right in front of me was the BIGGEST, most incredible, BRIGHTEST, yellow’ist’, MOON that I had ever seen.  It looked as though it were sitting on the end of the highways and for a moment I felt as though I was staring at a science fiction movie screen.  It reminded me how vast our universe is and how small WE SEEM but aren't.  Somehow my potential WAS the brightness of that moon, we are connected, and I was being told how special life is and how awesome, personal and intricate my journey is.  So many people tell me, (if I chose to share something from my life with them)  Don’t worry lots of people have it worse than you, well you know what, that’s not helpful, because when you are in crisis you are only FEELING your own pain and grief and that is normal, but that moon told ME I was and am special a force to be reckoned with.  Not without purpose or a plan. I couldn't cry anymore.  I was too moved by that gift and thee universe was consoling lil ole me… so my lesson in this painful moment is.  

We do what we can, we move on and we remember that it is NEVER the end… said the new little moon!