Little e < I AM

Shanti: I surrender... I AM. I AM 180, healthy strong , abundant, loved, loving ....

Ego: Your gonna get hurt, listen to me Shanti: I will not judge, I AM love Ego: you've done this before, remember

Shanti: I am perfect health, I will not take medications, I will feel

Ego: Damn, you are going to fall hard, I've saved you before over and over again, I've kept you safe! LISTEN!!

Shanti: I AM love... I LOVE me

Ego: That's not enough, if you just "_________" you can control.........

Shanti: I am God/dess.

Ego: you are buggin

Shanti: I AM success.... I am already there, just waiting for my reality to catch up

Ego: Uh oh she may not need me. (starts causing chaos) LOOK at me!!!!

Shanti: thoughts racing, what if.... (Hearing/feeling ego's panic). Chooses love AGAIN

Ego: Shit, shanti I am trying to save you, this doesn't have to be hard

Shanti: I choose LIFE

Ego: Don't you feel the danger, the panic, the fear..... Told you to listen to me...see now!!! 

Shanti: I am love, this will pass....thank you ego for thinking your saving me! Thank you for protecting me, I respect that you were needed, I/we got this now.

and so it goes... and still I CHOOSE LOVE.  

More about Ego Death at this link:   (only one of many!)

http://www.transpersonal.com.au/mind/ego-death.htm

YOU are here!

I realized today, that “it” has all dropped away.  It is gone.  All illusions of control, security… the straight and narrow path that I had perceived life to be, GONE!  It truly was an illusion.  I GET it now.  I AM standing on a blank map (think MALL location map) empty save for the red dot that says YOU are here.  The compass on the map, yea well it’s spinning.  Through the pain of this re-evolving into my innate self, I am discovering so much about myself and past perceptions of life. 

I woke up this morning, feeling the familiar mix of gratitude, a bit lost, and an undercurrent of anxiety running all through me.  I had now become used to numbing with exercise rather than the old me numbing with food, drama, TV, ‘helping others’, reality shows, more drama, smoking ganja.  Fibromyalgia raised its head.  My pain is not a back problem, it’s a fibro flare-up.    I haven’t had one this severe in a while. During the last flare-up, I used ganja to ease the pain.  I don’t use anything stronger than Motrin or Advil now, by choice. Talk about raw. 

So there I was, I had a plan, and oh what a plan, but last night as I was reading Marianne Williamson’s “Law of Divine Compensation” I read a sentence that traveled into my subconscious with me as Morpheus came to claim me.    “How may I be of service to this world” … yup that sentence shifted me, and my soul.   I woke up this morning LOST, not knowing where the hell I am headed, where the hell I supposed to be… WTF??   I started going through my emails, checking this, checking that, and I found an e-card dated exactly one year and a day before my aunt died.  I had never seen it.  It was a Mother’s day card from 2011…

The pain smashed into me, shattering every illusion of control I had.  Raw, primal, soul wrenching agony, once again WHAM, a realization hit me on top of the pain, THIS IS THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED.  NOT knowing anything at all except where you are right now.  It is here at the crux of the whole excavation process, the digging and rooting through all of the chaos for that nugget of gold, that I find ME. Apparently I am in the contraction throes for the birth of a pistol star.

(Esmerelda~~Lisa Steinke)

I tried to contain the maelstrom of tremendous sorrow I was feeling and started to get ready to do my five miles, when I just couldn't hold it back anymore.  I kind of sobbed my way down the stairs and cried my soul out on a loved one’s shoulder.  I couldn't speak, I couldn't think, all I could do was BE, a mass of swirling, primordial pain. I sat in the huge leather recliner and drew my knees up to my chest, heaving and sobbing.  I understood now about the extreme grief my aunt had been dealing with losing my uncle, her brother/best friend AND my grandmother, her mom.  WOW, I never GOT it until today.  No wonder she had told me that she had to go first, she wouldn't be able to live through my death.  I get it now.  I cried and told her I was sorry I never understood what she was dealing with, in addition to all of her physical pain. 

My first inclination was to reach out and ground myself with some illusions of control over things I cannot control.  Not happening, my soul does not want the bullshit anymore.  I wept for the good part of an hour.  Cried myself back to calm, through the panic and SURRENDER, I bawled, sobbed, sniffled myself into the epiphany… that this is PROGRESS.  (blink blink) Progress… yes, I am more ‘real’ than I have ever been before.  I am stronger than I’ve ever been before.  I SURRENDER and RELEASE my soul to the process.  

I didn't need to drag anyone with me on the trip through hell or fall prey to old intoxicants to get through it.  I FELT IT ALL, and didn't overeat. Umm actually I might have tripped the opposite switch now.  When stressed I’M NOT HUNGRY at all, almost nauseous … that’s NEW wtf?? Okay … changes.  I know I have put it out there to God/Goddess/Source.  HOW can I BE OF SERVICE to this world???

So I’m on a crystal bridge (think Indiana Jones putting one foot in front of another TRUSTING that there is a bridge there)… I can’t see anything in front of me.  I’m okay with that.  I am still putting one foot in front of the other.  Tonight we celebrated my grandson’s 7^th birthday… loud and proud at an IHOP <his favorite place>. A panic attack threatened me as I was leaving the house on my way to meet my rugrats and I told it…  listen, you do what you have to do cuz I’m going.

I had an amazing time. 

Will it hurt like this morning again… yup, probably, if not I am grateful, if so I am grateful. My spirit is being catapulted into greatness, and I am quite comfortable giving birth to a star, knowing that I am in the chaos for a reason, and the reason is ME.

I am here… you are here.  Here is what we have.  I’m kewl with it, one step at a time. 

Lisa of http://www.lisasteinkeart.com/ posted this today in a wonderful, inspirational group that I’m a part of.  I thought it succinctly described exactly how I feel on this part of the road.  “Esmerelda is an example of discipline, detail, focus, consistency, and risk all mixed up together. She is a metaphor for letting go while staying focused and pressing forward.”  Wow.  HOW PERFECT IS THAT????  Exactly!!!  I am here!  

Amazing Grace/Growth (written 3/14/2010)

I did know it was time to take this journey to a new level and I was 
correct.  My spirit has been summoned to shine, and shine it must.  No more free downloads, no more watching free movies (streaming bootleg) on the internet.  It is time to budget and take care of all past debts to the best of my ability; it is time to be authentic in all areas of my life. 

Stephen asked me with a tinge of snideness in his voice, which I 

chose not to address because he can feel what he wants to feel… “What made you become such a goody goody?”   I was almost 

offended….   A goody goody to me has always been somewhat of an insult.   I am known as a rebel… my dad said to me on the phone on Saturday.   To me now a rebel means dancing to the beat of my own drummer, which includes not having to do what everyone else does.  I just want to clean my spiritual house.  How can I build 

greatness on top of a wobbly foundation?  No, I prefer doing the 

work and building it correctly, and durably.

Years ago, while I was a practicing devout Christian, I followed allof the rules in fear of the repercussions of hell.  I was trying my 

best to live as Jesus did, honestly and truly, no secular music, no 

secular television, no cursing, church every time the doors were 

opened, praying on my knees constantly, asking for forgiveness forthinking ‘sinful’ things.  I went along with everything I was taught  despite my inner twinge of..  examine this more closely, Shanti.. 

there is something wrong with these principles.. (FOR ME)

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no 

matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." – Buddha.   So very true… and I realize 

that the changes I am making have to do with ME feeling deeply 

within my soul that they are correct for the spiritual journey I 

want my life to be, not because I am fearful of some fiery lake of 

burning sulfur.   My Source/Goddess/God…by whatever 
you prefer your Great Spirit is not vengeful, not jealous, not 

judging me… my Source loves me and entrusts me with my personal mission.  I AM that special soul I believed myself to be whilst I 

was a child.  I am full of power and strength, I AM soft and tender. I am amazing, and my job is to be AMAZING AND SHINE, thereby lighting other’s flames and that is what I will do!

I feel FREE, of the restraints of society, free to dance to that 

crazy dynamic fiery beat within my soul.  I feel free to dress my 

ever diminishing plus sized bodacious body in whatever I want too,I feel liberated embracing my new (XMEN’S) Storm streaked hair and I am beautiful, I am Source…     I am.

I am supremely grateful for every gift… every lesson….every 

struggle that has made me… .me.

Amazing Growth!