YOU are here!

I realized today, that “it” has all dropped away.  It is gone.  All illusions of control, security… the straight and narrow path that I had perceived life to be, GONE!  It truly was an illusion.  I GET it now.  I AM standing on a blank map (think MALL location map) empty save for the red dot that says YOU are here.  The compass on the map, yea well it’s spinning.  Through the pain of this re-evolving into my innate self, I am discovering so much about myself and past perceptions of life. 

I woke up this morning, feeling the familiar mix of gratitude, a bit lost, and an undercurrent of anxiety running all through me.  I had now become used to numbing with exercise rather than the old me numbing with food, drama, TV, ‘helping others’, reality shows, more drama, smoking ganja.  Fibromyalgia raised its head.  My pain is not a back problem, it’s a fibro flare-up.    I haven’t had one this severe in a while. During the last flare-up, I used ganja to ease the pain.  I don’t use anything stronger than Motrin or Advil now, by choice. Talk about raw. 

So there I was, I had a plan, and oh what a plan, but last night as I was reading Marianne Williamson’s “Law of Divine Compensation” I read a sentence that traveled into my subconscious with me as Morpheus came to claim me.    “How may I be of service to this world” … yup that sentence shifted me, and my soul.   I woke up this morning LOST, not knowing where the hell I am headed, where the hell I supposed to be… WTF??   I started going through my emails, checking this, checking that, and I found an e-card dated exactly one year and a day before my aunt died.  I had never seen it.  It was a Mother’s day card from 2011…

The pain smashed into me, shattering every illusion of control I had.  Raw, primal, soul wrenching agony, once again WHAM, a realization hit me on top of the pain, THIS IS THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED.  NOT knowing anything at all except where you are right now.  It is here at the crux of the whole excavation process, the digging and rooting through all of the chaos for that nugget of gold, that I find ME. Apparently I am in the contraction throes for the birth of a pistol star.

(Esmerelda~~Lisa Steinke)

I tried to contain the maelstrom of tremendous sorrow I was feeling and started to get ready to do my five miles, when I just couldn't hold it back anymore.  I kind of sobbed my way down the stairs and cried my soul out on a loved one’s shoulder.  I couldn't speak, I couldn't think, all I could do was BE, a mass of swirling, primordial pain. I sat in the huge leather recliner and drew my knees up to my chest, heaving and sobbing.  I understood now about the extreme grief my aunt had been dealing with losing my uncle, her brother/best friend AND my grandmother, her mom.  WOW, I never GOT it until today.  No wonder she had told me that she had to go first, she wouldn't be able to live through my death.  I get it now.  I cried and told her I was sorry I never understood what she was dealing with, in addition to all of her physical pain. 

My first inclination was to reach out and ground myself with some illusions of control over things I cannot control.  Not happening, my soul does not want the bullshit anymore.  I wept for the good part of an hour.  Cried myself back to calm, through the panic and SURRENDER, I bawled, sobbed, sniffled myself into the epiphany… that this is PROGRESS.  (blink blink) Progress… yes, I am more ‘real’ than I have ever been before.  I am stronger than I’ve ever been before.  I SURRENDER and RELEASE my soul to the process.  

I didn't need to drag anyone with me on the trip through hell or fall prey to old intoxicants to get through it.  I FELT IT ALL, and didn't overeat. Umm actually I might have tripped the opposite switch now.  When stressed I’M NOT HUNGRY at all, almost nauseous … that’s NEW wtf?? Okay … changes.  I know I have put it out there to God/Goddess/Source.  HOW can I BE OF SERVICE to this world???

So I’m on a crystal bridge (think Indiana Jones putting one foot in front of another TRUSTING that there is a bridge there)… I can’t see anything in front of me.  I’m okay with that.  I am still putting one foot in front of the other.  Tonight we celebrated my grandson’s 7^th birthday… loud and proud at an IHOP <his favorite place>. A panic attack threatened me as I was leaving the house on my way to meet my rugrats and I told it…  listen, you do what you have to do cuz I’m going.

I had an amazing time. 

Will it hurt like this morning again… yup, probably, if not I am grateful, if so I am grateful. My spirit is being catapulted into greatness, and I am quite comfortable giving birth to a star, knowing that I am in the chaos for a reason, and the reason is ME.

I am here… you are here.  Here is what we have.  I’m kewl with it, one step at a time. 

Lisa of http://www.lisasteinkeart.com/ posted this today in a wonderful, inspirational group that I’m a part of.  I thought it succinctly described exactly how I feel on this part of the road.  “Esmerelda is an example of discipline, detail, focus, consistency, and risk all mixed up together. She is a metaphor for letting go while staying focused and pressing forward.”  Wow.  HOW PERFECT IS THAT????  Exactly!!!  I am here!