Happy Birthday North Star, I adore you!

Yesterday was a day ripe full of Source clarifying that I am indeed on MY authentic path.  There are no mistakes only life lessons, that if chosen can enable us to grow to the highest version of ourselves.  No right, wrong, good or bad, there JUST is.  Yes we can sit down and talk about what is happening in the world, and how fucked up it is, why is there no justice for children, seniors, animals, why are things just so damn hard?  Or we can change ourselves and do SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  Most people want to talk about what’s wrong in their lives.  I too used to focus on the perceived angst of my journey.  If I told you every detail of the long ass haul from a dysfunctional family to this shiny, authentic light, you might say.. dayum I’D bitch too, that was the reaction I always did get upon sharing small fractions of THAT <true> story. 

Story… yup  it all happened, rape, molestation, group homes, foster homes, sleeping on the street, going hungry…. Yup yup yup, an abusive marriage, then a 15 year sham of a marriage… I raised my children predominately alone, yup.. had/have anxiety, ate for comfort, numbed by any means available including yelling, screaming, crying, expecting my children TO LOVE my pain away… .. oh JESUS help me.. please take away this pain… please fill the whole inside of my chest.. OMG I think that I am going to DIE FROM THIS alone feeling.  WHY WON’T ANYONE love me.. why won’t…. yadda yadda yadda…  yup.. that was me.  WAS me. 

Through the entire aforementioned SMALL piece of my story, I knew there was always something MORE in me, shining brightly, I KNEW there was more; I just didn’t realize I HAD TO OVARY up, and FIND THE COURAGE to save myself.  It is said, “When the student is ready, the teacher will come”.  Ready: absorbent, open, receptive, and humbled by the journey.  My teachers began to trickle in.  When I reached the level of accessibility, and was truly READY, I began to HEAR, (really hear) oh sooo slowly and to think.. could there be another way?  Do I just have to choose to change the perspective on this kaleidoscope with which I view life?? Boundaries, what the hell is that?  Oh shit, NOW NO-ONE IS GOING TO LOVE ME, can I really do that.  I MEAN I spent most of my life, performing and pleasing others just to get the love I was getting much less the LOVE I REALLY WANTED.  (Didn’t know that was self –love.. not yet)  

Damn.  Scary shit. 

Fast forward:  Was in NYC, reacquainting myself with long lost family, my aunt called from Mass, had something along the lines of a torn ACL, <she had had Guilin –Barre as a child in Guyana, so walking was always painful for her BEFORE the injury> and needed me to come back to Mass to take care of my lil cuz’s  Kelsey and Korin.  I did (so grateful I followed my intuition, there are NO coincidences) we all became CLOSER (we were already close) I was the first person to hold Korin ten years ago, and adored all three of them with all of my heart.  You have to know Korin to understand, she’s one of THOSE children.  A north star, leading the way with her light and love, she cannot be deterred.  She stands firm in her love; it’s an amazing wonder to behold.   Her very presence just makes one want to be a better person….. the person that she sees under ‘THE STORY’. 

My lil cuz’s went to live with their father (it was A HELL OF A GROWTH SPURT for all of us), my aunt died, I was CRUSHED.  Excuse me hello? that was NOT in the plan, we were ‘supposed’ to sit in rocking chairs one day and talk about how WE made it, from two little girls NEEDING love to crones, still together (only two year difference between us).  She died.  The last time I’ve seen my lil cousins was at her funeral.. shitty anniversary, we decided yesterday to change that at the earliest opportunity. 

Fast Forward:  

Yesterday, went to counseling, (diagnosed with PTSD), go every week, every Wednesday… I find it’s a good place to vent, without attachment.   Sitting in the waiting room, I checked Facebook as usual, was really antsy, after taking my pic in the bathroom mirror, I was on fire.  Oh my goodness I lost so much weight.. yadda  yadda yadda.  I then looked around and thought……hmm I want to ‘connect’, pay attention, I shut off the phone, the Ipad, put everything away, and looked around.  The waiting room was partially full of children, really sad obese people, (like me a year ago), almost everyone clicking away on their phones, the kids on their games, a sad little woman stuffing magazines into her bag.  I really paid attention.  I realized that in each person in that waiting room was the same GOD/DESS/Source spark that was in me.  I am no better, no worse, we are ONE.  I concentrated on seeing that spark in each person, and sent them love.  

After talking to my counselor who is NEVER bored <that is our goal, LOL> I left, hugely grateful and set about the rest of my day.  Wonder Woman Wednesday’s.  Seriously, went food shopping, then came home and prepared for class.  One of my siSTAR’S asked me how much weight I lost and I went digging around for a picture and found the Xmas pic 10 of me.  DAYUM .. I put that up next to yesterday’s picture.  Dayum.  I, MYSELF was shocked, humbled and grateful.  During the call/class, my phone beeped, I usually ignore ALL calls during a class.  It’s ME TIME.  However when ya see the ‘NORTH STAR’ calling you, ya tend to pay attention.  I clicked over.  Korin called me to tell me it was her birthday today.  We, both of the girls and I talked for so long, shining light on each other, reminding one another of our bond and GREAT love for each other.  All of our hearts soared as we talked about my aunt with love and laughter. IT WAS beautiful, such a gift. 

I remember why I started this journey… every bit of it.  Today I tried on a size 16 pair of jeans from American Eagle, granted they are stretchy but they almost closed.. I am in size 18 right now, from a 30/32.  DAYUM.  Losing weight is just a gift with ‘purchase’ of finding the love for me, I NO LONGER have that gaping whole of loneliness in side of my chest.   I get to shine light authentically from every pore.  I confront my fears and some days are more fraught with anxiety than others.  THAT’S OKAY. I love even my panic.  I love every inch of me… shrinking, silver hair showing, loose skin having, shredded muscles blossoming, learning, mistake making inch OF ME.  I ADORE ME now. Nothing and NO ONE will or can get in my way BUT me… and oh … I LOVE ME TOO MUCH FOR THAT SHIZNIT.  After all when the north star says… but Shanny I need light.. pfft. 

One pays attention.

ARMS OUTSTRETCHED to universe.  Ya gotta go THROUGH it to get to the other side.  NO shortcuts.  I know.. .pfft. Was I ever indignant at the beginning! 

LOVing me, LOVing you.  

Excavating Toxins

I had my feelings hurt tonight.  Damnit, I’m still human.. <smiles> all that work and still I’m human.  What the hell, I thought I was WONDER WOMAN.  NOT!!! I had an exercise in my transformational telecourse where I pick out the words that trigger me and then we do work to deactivate the power behind the words/thoughts etc.  I had a list of words but I wasn’t feeling strongly about them, because I haven’t felt all that ‘sensitive’ lately. 

I’m hugely grateful for tonight, now I can write.  It broke the dam of denial.   Crystal uses the acronym, Didn’t Even No I Am Lying = Denial.   I realized that I have not been triggered because I have eliminated naysayers FROM my life.  It is inevitable however that my path will intersect with some negative souls. I need a backup plan, to excavate the deeper issues. 

So the issue is disability.  I am on SSDI, that I paid into, I had a ‘breakdown/through’ 9/11/02, I was working as a case manager for clients with HIV.   I was driving to work, and the reminders were everywhere.  I did not want to watch the news and watch the towers fall again, I was there.  I know. 

  

My first job was in the world trade center, my foster father was the head of maintenance in both buildings and I let my son take off that day to work the polls with my mom who worked for SEIU 1199, so she was working for Mayoral candidate Ferrera.  I thought it would be a good experience for him.  They were headed to HARLEM, and decided instead to go to Queens (to get to Harlem, they had to the E or F train …  the E train ran under the WTC, my mom has always liked to wander)… I didn’t know that they were safe until after noon, then they had walk a few hours home in that madness.  I didn’t know where they were, and I couldn’t get to my daughters because of bomb threats.  So suffice it to say, supporting five, dealing with TEENAGERS IN transition, moving to mass so I didn’t have to worry about them in that way ever again,  It was just too much for my soul at that time.  I had to shut and introvert.  I’m not ashamed.  I’m GRATEFUL that I had the opportunity to root around the abyss and find my way out of the nine circles of hell, because let me tell you the abyss LOOKED straight into my eyes, and I choose light.  (Writing “Salinda’s Light” my story based on the most vivid dream I’ve ever had choosing light over darkness) 

I thought I was over people looking down on me because I am on disability for PTSD/anxiety especially because I used the time to go to college and change my life.  I CHOSE. I didn’t waste my time, I routed out toxins and became a whole person that now owns my own choices and blames NO-one.  So why did this bother me, especially from a stranger.  THEN I got it, it’s not about this person, it’s about my mom, who underneath her ‘love’ does not feel I am of TRUE value unless I’m in ANY job no matter how much it exacerbates my fibromyalgia or anxiety.  Well ummm I love my mom with all of my heart, however; opinions are like assholes everyone has one.  I’m not jeopardizing my joy by doing anything that does not bring me joy.  I can love my mom and look at her with understanding eyes because she didn’t realize she had choices.   I aim towards love and light. My children have NEVER been hungry or without a home.  I provided.  I did it.  So at the bottom of all of this was my mom’s beliefs about me and I choose not going to even bring it up with her.  No need to cause her pain and set off the guilt. It’s my issue.  I got this. 

So why do I post all of my challenges and epiphanies out loud?? I CHOOSE to be the change, and there could be ONE person, JUST ONE, that needs to know that IT DOES TAKE WORK, and it’s worth it.  I’m an excavator of my own truth, an anthropologist of my behavioral origins!!! Takes courage and tenacity to admit and own my shit, and I am all about it.  So my trigger is being ‘ judged’  but the truth is.. SO WHAT if I’m on disability??? I’m not staying on it because I CHOOSE to go back into the world and use my life experiences for good, in service.  I did pay into it and OBVIOUSLY God/dess saw fit to provide because I got it in a MONTH.  THAT’S USUALLY unheard of.  <shrugs> I’m good with it.  I’m going to write a letter to my mom about this issue and burn it under a waning moon to dispel negativity.

Got to admit there is a problem to fix it. 

This is what courage would have me do… I AM SO GRATEFUL I got triggered.  I LEARNED.  NOW I can finish deactivating this ‘bad boy’!!!!