Excavating Toxins

I had my feelings hurt tonight.  Damnit, I’m still human.. <smiles> all that work and still I’m human.  What the hell, I thought I was WONDER WOMAN.  NOT!!! I had an exercise in my transformational telecourse where I pick out the words that trigger me and then we do work to deactivate the power behind the words/thoughts etc.  I had a list of words but I wasn’t feeling strongly about them, because I haven’t felt all that ‘sensitive’ lately. 

I’m hugely grateful for tonight, now I can write.  It broke the dam of denial.   Crystal uses the acronym, Didn’t Even No I Am Lying = Denial.   I realized that I have not been triggered because I have eliminated naysayers FROM my life.  It is inevitable however that my path will intersect with some negative souls. I need a backup plan, to excavate the deeper issues. 

So the issue is disability.  I am on SSDI, that I paid into, I had a ‘breakdown/through’ 9/11/02, I was working as a case manager for clients with HIV.   I was driving to work, and the reminders were everywhere.  I did not want to watch the news and watch the towers fall again, I was there.  I know. 

  

My first job was in the world trade center, my foster father was the head of maintenance in both buildings and I let my son take off that day to work the polls with my mom who worked for SEIU 1199, so she was working for Mayoral candidate Ferrera.  I thought it would be a good experience for him.  They were headed to HARLEM, and decided instead to go to Queens (to get to Harlem, they had to the E or F train …  the E train ran under the WTC, my mom has always liked to wander)… I didn’t know that they were safe until after noon, then they had walk a few hours home in that madness.  I didn’t know where they were, and I couldn’t get to my daughters because of bomb threats.  So suffice it to say, supporting five, dealing with TEENAGERS IN transition, moving to mass so I didn’t have to worry about them in that way ever again,  It was just too much for my soul at that time.  I had to shut and introvert.  I’m not ashamed.  I’m GRATEFUL that I had the opportunity to root around the abyss and find my way out of the nine circles of hell, because let me tell you the abyss LOOKED straight into my eyes, and I choose light.  (Writing “Salinda’s Light” my story based on the most vivid dream I’ve ever had choosing light over darkness) 

I thought I was over people looking down on me because I am on disability for PTSD/anxiety especially because I used the time to go to college and change my life.  I CHOSE. I didn’t waste my time, I routed out toxins and became a whole person that now owns my own choices and blames NO-one.  So why did this bother me, especially from a stranger.  THEN I got it, it’s not about this person, it’s about my mom, who underneath her ‘love’ does not feel I am of TRUE value unless I’m in ANY job no matter how much it exacerbates my fibromyalgia or anxiety.  Well ummm I love my mom with all of my heart, however; opinions are like assholes everyone has one.  I’m not jeopardizing my joy by doing anything that does not bring me joy.  I can love my mom and look at her with understanding eyes because she didn’t realize she had choices.   I aim towards love and light. My children have NEVER been hungry or without a home.  I provided.  I did it.  So at the bottom of all of this was my mom’s beliefs about me and I choose not going to even bring it up with her.  No need to cause her pain and set off the guilt. It’s my issue.  I got this. 

So why do I post all of my challenges and epiphanies out loud?? I CHOOSE to be the change, and there could be ONE person, JUST ONE, that needs to know that IT DOES TAKE WORK, and it’s worth it.  I’m an excavator of my own truth, an anthropologist of my behavioral origins!!! Takes courage and tenacity to admit and own my shit, and I am all about it.  So my trigger is being ‘ judged’  but the truth is.. SO WHAT if I’m on disability??? I’m not staying on it because I CHOOSE to go back into the world and use my life experiences for good, in service.  I did pay into it and OBVIOUSLY God/dess saw fit to provide because I got it in a MONTH.  THAT’S USUALLY unheard of.  <shrugs> I’m good with it.  I’m going to write a letter to my mom about this issue and burn it under a waning moon to dispel negativity.

Got to admit there is a problem to fix it. 

This is what courage would have me do… I AM SO GRATEFUL I got triggered.  I LEARNED.  NOW I can finish deactivating this ‘bad boy’!!!!