My ego is fighting to be heard. I think that it senses its decreasing hold
on my being. I had not previously
realized how enmeshed I was in automatic behavior. I think that is what truly astounds me, if I
look at myself in there here and now, I fall victim to comparing myself to
other’s around my age, and societal levels of success, then when I glance back
at the true journey, the layers that I have unraveled, then I’m almost in awe
of the courageous excavation I have undergone without going simply mad.
I’ve owned everything I’ve done, every choice I have made,
asked forgiveness from myself and others, and truly changed those qualities
that were ego driven. So there I was in
Dallas, HALTED, in a neutral location (Denae’s Ashram) on my journey, not realizing
that being so raw, everything would slam into me. All memories, hidden and avoided emotions
trapped in the layers of fat, shame, blame, drugs <albeit prescription>,
alcohol, senseless relationships, started to rise up. I didn’t recognize what was happening and
started to doubt my sanity. I know I am
here to share my journey. I know that I
have chosen to be raw, and show each ‘ sometimes insane looking’ step… I’m sure at times it looks as though I’m
doing a cha cha, back and forth, repetitive, redundant steps, however; I’ve
realized that I am on different runs of the ladder of life.
So why didn’t I go to Colorado, AGAIN? It’s so frustrating even to me, BUT again it
didn’t feel right. <major eyeroll, I
assure you> In 2010, I was in Port
Richey, Florida with a plane ticket to Arizona, to spend time with a loving
sister, then head to Colorado. I began
having terror attacks. Diagnosed with
PTSD, panic attacks were and are nothing new, but TERROR attacks, holy crapola,
it was right around the time of the full moon/lunar eclipse/winter solstice,
and of course I whipped my arms out to universe in surrender and asked to be of
service. Did I know what that
entailed? UMMM no, I never thought about
it, I never contemplated what that would feel like to me, the little me inside,
that already was overwhelmed by the journey.
I didn’t realize it would have to take the complete destruction of
everything I was, to birth the new. (chaos to birth a dancing star) NOT AT ALL.
I don’t regret asking to be of service, I know that, the life that
matters to me is based on LOVE not fear, but may I just say holy shit, was I
blind. So I headed back to Mass. In 2010
<my upcoming ebook talks more about the specifics of the last five years and
what the internal journey was like shedding the layers of fat and fear, yup
there’s still work to do> Because I followed my spirit, and came back, (yes,
I was feeling as though I was a failure),
I was able to spend the last year of my aunt’s life with both her and my
amazing little cousins. NO REGRETS.
So there I was in Dallas, experiencing amazing things, just
‘be’ing, YOGA, love, stillness, and I had a feeling… I was
thinking about Colorado and it just didn’t feel right. Shit, I thought what now??? I had been skyping with my daughter and
really paying attention to my grandchildren, not in a poor them or poor me way,
but in a how’s that light in their eyes doing kind of way, and damn I thought,
I want to be of service and with my tribe??? Why’d I leave my grandchildren, I
know logically that they could visit me wherever I was, once a year or so, if
that, I mean school, distance, etc. but, the two youngest grandpeeps wouldn’t
even know me, AT ALL. That felt nasty in
the pit of my stomach. So I sequestered
myself and PRAYED. Literally, called on
my angels, god/goddess, ancestors, my aunt… etc, and waited, it took TWO DAYS,
… I heard the words ‘go home’ … I didn’t
feel warm and tingly, I was like… REALLY??? Are you shitting me??? Why home,
damnit… why … then I made myself wait another 24 hours and then bought the
ticket.
I had to get off the merry go round of thinking that
geography plays a part in our divine spiritual expression. I asked to be of service, and when we
SAY/MEAN those words, we have NO idea what that could/can look like. I’ve had almost zero energy for the last
week, and have only seen all the grandpeeps together only once so far… I do
know however that the answers are in the stillness, between the ‘big’ events,
what I like to call the ‘waiting room’, seems like we’re always waiting for
something, doesn't it? A baby, job, car,
significant other, test results, life, death… to lose the weight, gain the
weight…. And on it goes…. So being still is literally ‘BE’ing inside the
maelstrom that can be the journey. I had to follow my intuition and come back, I
think I skipped a step, do I understand it all, not particularly but I KNOW
that when this happened in 2010 and I listened <I beat myself up for that
move for a LONG time…> not doing that now… <different rungs of the
ladder>, I was blessed with a year so special, so fruitful in developing my
soul, I wouldn't have it any other way.
So, here I am, day after my 47th birthday, thank YOU for all
the well wishes, thank YOU for the love, we ALL matter, each and every one of
us, whether we’re on the road less traveled OR NOT, it doesn’t matter, cuz it’s
all unfolding with a grand purpose, one that I think our human eyes cannot
see. That damn veil.
I think my ego is struggling a little bit with this whole process… no LSD
needed, I think I’ve excavated myself
into a deep level of ego death.
