Was organizing my papers, putting together old journals,
entries, poems, etc and ran across this…Well then. All I have
to say is yanno those roads ahead of me, (shrugs), I’m good and grateful cuz ya
see that huge mountain…YEA that’s behind me!!!!!!!!!
Subj: said the new
little moon
Date: Monday, 4 Feb
2002 12:26AM
From: Nuyoureecanmami
Rarely do I set down and not words comes to me, and yet as I
set down to write this email, I don’t even know how to begin. So much has happened. M y life has always been chaotic and I believed
I had gotten used to it. A few days ago,
I received some news about my childhood, that I suspected but was not sure of,
because my brain had apparently blocked it out… but as an intoxicated family
member starting sharing these memories with me, I knew it was true. In a nutshell, I was molested as a child, and
apparently had suppressed the memory. Of
course it took me by complete surprise and utter horror. I cried so much, hurt so deep and felt a
shame I didn't even know existed but then so m any things, behaviors and
choices became clear to me. I am not
just a screw up. I am a product of my environment..
in fact I am better than a product of my environment…because I broke those
chains for my kids, future grandkids etc.
I am not sure what the lesson in my molestation was .but I do now
recognize the lesson on this last one. Last
night as I drove home from work on a particularly calm night, crying because
frankly I was and am still stunned and reeling from the blow of this revelation
and also because I had a horrendous day at work … <because this intoxicated relative
is now calling and harassing my kids, even me at my job by phone> so there I was driving down the highway
listening to something can’t even recall and there it was… for the first time
in my life I was completely awestruck. Now
we are talking about a girl from NYC who seen just about everything and I was
awestruck, forgot to breathe for a moment and just had my eyes fill up with
tears again in wonder.
There right in front of me was the BIGGEST, most incredible,
BRIGHTEST, yellow’ist’, MOON that I had ever seen. It looked as though it were sitting on the
end of the highways and for a moment I felt as though I was staring at a
science fiction movie screen. It reminded
me how vast our universe is and how small WE SEEM but aren't. Somehow my potential WAS the brightness of
that moon, we are connected, and I was being told how special life is and how
awesome, personal and intricate my journey is.
So many people tell me, (if I chose to share something from my life with
them) Don’t worry lots of people have it
worse than you, well you know what, that’s not helpful, because when you are in
crisis you are only FEELING your own pain and grief and that is normal, but
that moon told ME I was and am special a force to be reckoned with. Not without purpose or a plan. I couldn't cry
anymore. I was too moved by that gift
and thee universe was consoling lil ole me… so my lesson in this painful moment
is.
We do what we can, we move on and we
remember that it is NEVER the end… said the new little moon!
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