The brand new me, I USED to be!

My mind had been contemplating empowerment for many years now, trying to make sense out of the first sentence of the book by M. Scott Peck, “The Road less Traveled”:  Life is pain.   I put the book down at the moment and said… who you ‘fracking’ telling, and never picked it up again.  What, I thought, did a book have to teach me about pain??? Really??

Now, I get it; acceptance, ‘be’ing, learning, growing from the pain, and life isn’t always pain, NOT EVERY second of every day, but it will happen  as a catalyst for growth and knowledge.  In 1991, in New Mexico, I had my first encounter with SVT (Supra Ventricular Tachycardia), although I didn’t know it then.  I went to the hospital where the doctor told me I was having separation anxiety after moving half a country away from the chaos I knew to unfamiliar chaos. 

Years later, as the ‘episodes’ continued sporadically especially raising three teenagers and my ex-husband walking out in the middle of the night almost seven years ago (went and had a new life, no contact for three years until my youngest daughter and I found him in NC, new life, no word, no divorce and still I will never harbor an ill feeling… choices)  I went into the hospital where my cardiologist said you have the heart of a 15 year old, your kids are killing you…  FF to Jan of 2010, I was going to the mall in Cambridge with my ex-boyfriend and felt one of these ‘palpitation episodes’ start to happen, and I thought... oh shit here we go.  

This episode was unlike any other, the medicine used to restart my heart (never knew what they were doing to me during those 6 or 7 ambulance trips from 91-2010, well the medicine didn’t work and as the EMT’S placed the paddles on my stomach, nearby just in case, I blinked in umm horror, I said ummm what’s that for <knowing full and well what they were for> , after being transported to Mass General, and having a TEAM surrounding me complete with paddles, and all the accoutrements that come into play with a potential code blue, I realized … these were not regular palpitations, something was seriously amiss. 

“Atrial fibrillation is an erratic rhythm that occurs within the upper chambers of the heart (the "atria"). All of us have cells that occasionally beat out of sequence from the normal activation. If these skipped beats occur rapidly in succession, they can cause the cells in the atria to no longer activate in a smooth, uniform, and sequential fashion, and instead activate rapidly and chaotically, creating a series of rapidly circulating wavelets of activation, resulting in all the cells of the atria activating between 250 and 500 times per minute. The atrial chambers quiver when this occurs and no longer pump blood efficiently, permitting blood to pool within the atrial chamber, and on occasion, clot. When this happens, small portions of clotted blood can shower from the atrium and cause occlusion of blood vessels, even in the brain, and thereby cause a stroke to occur. In fact, it is estimated that 15% of all strokes are caused by atrial fibrillation”

After all those years, they had A RECORDING of it.. YAY, so on March 17, 2010 on Saint Patty’s Day, I had an SVT Ablation, and four days later I went to the first concert of my life.  I saw Alicia Keys at the Agganis Arena in Boston.  I was breathless and a little nervous but once she opened her mouth and sang her light into that audience including me, I hooped and hollered like a 13 year old at a Beiber concert.  I knew that night that I could JUST BE ME and light up the world.  I knew I could do what I LOVED, be joyful and live a happy light, so today, I heard “A Brand New Me” that was so ON POINT, it could’ve been written for MY journey.  Wow. 

I cried, and cried, the journey since I saw her in Boston to now.  Lessons, losses, and loves… well then.   Now I’m embracing my dream to let my life be a testament to the power of the human spirit.  To help young women know they have choices, they can be EXACTLY who they are and be PROUD of that.  I’ve wanted to be the change for years; I’ve just now grown into it. 

Brand New Me lyrics by Alicia Keys.

It's been a while, I'm not who I was before

You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore

Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see

Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me

Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame

Had to grab my heart back

God know something had to change

I thought that you'd be happy

I found the one thing I need, why you mad

It's just the brand new kind of me

It took a long long time to get here

It took a brave, brave girl to try

It took one too many excuses, one too many lies

Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

If I talk a little louder

If I speak up when you're wrong

If I walk a little taller

I'd be known to you too long

If you noticed that I'm different

Don't take it personally

Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me

And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Oh, it took a long long road to get here

It took a brave brave girl to try

I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies

Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend, you want to get know me again

If you were worth a while

You'd be happy to see me smile

I'm not expecting sorry

I'm too busy finding myself

I got this

I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion

I'm not waiting for your ok

I'll never be perfect, but at least now i'm brave

Now, my heart is open

And I can finally breathe

Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free

That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me

Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me, yeah

I learned that not everyone is going to be happy when you change for yourself, but that doesn’t matter.   We are here to shine, that is our job, our ONLY job, find the things we love to do AND DO THEM with all of our passion.  I have learned and grown so much… it shocks ME.  Thank you Darsh, thank you everyone who believed and THOSE who didn’t believe in me, thank you for making me a fighter.  I’m grateful I cry, that I feel, that I love so hard and for eternity. 

I’m a brand new me.   I think this brand new me is the me I started out as, matter of fact I recognize this spirit looking at me … it’s my little girl all grown up and ready to PLAY, live in joy, doing what I love, paying forward the light.  I am so in love with life and light, with me, with you, with the passion in possibilities.  ::sighs::

Extreme gratitude is my attitude.  I am blessed. 

LOVing me, LOVing you.  See Darsh you were right, I am strong, I can do this, I CAN do anything. Hand in  hand my partner in crime, you may have left this PLANE of existence but I will carry you WITH ME FOREVER! 

P.S.  It might be time to read that book, “The road less traveled” .. or maybe I just lived the lesson!!!