Bah humbug. Yes, I
said it, and I am really okay owning that feeling. I don’t even want a Christmas tree this year,
I will not rain on anyone else’s Christmas, I personally am just not planning
on really celebrating it. I am not cooking,
not wrapping, not decorating. I am not,
it’s not real, and I won’t fake it for anyone.
Last year I set an all high bar for Christmas
celebrations. I worked my ass off because
I wanted a ‘perfect’ Christmas. I bought
and wrapped about 300+ presents for children, grandchildren, friends, my aunt,
her boyfriend, my little cousins, my ex, etc.
It was magical, I swear all we needed was Santa sliding his arse down
the chimney and handing him a cookie, a deviled egg, or a glass of eggnog.
This year however has sapped that Christmas spirit in me, I’m
sure this too shall pass, BUT IT HAS NOT YET.
I miss my aunt, I never expected her to die, and for this many changes
to happen in ONE year. My little cousins
are GONE, and they are hurting, and there is little I can do to help. FRUSTRATING.
I made promises, I keep my promises.
I have had SHOULD’S up to my fracking eyebrows. You should ‘get over it’, you should be more
excited about the grandpeeps Xmas, you
should, you should. The only thing I
SHOULD do is take care and HONOR myself and my heart says I’m not feeling this commercialized
version of a once amazing holiday. I
bought my kids something, my grandkids and one friend, that’s it … I’m
done. I don’t even want presents back--
<shrugs> I never got that whole grief is harder at the holidays thing,
until now.
So leave me to my mourning, I’ll be done when I’m done, if
and when. If you care then you will
respect that and not try to make me fit in your ideals of what I ‘SHOULD’ be
doing. Pfffft. I love myself way too much to fake it.
Now if we could have Ma and Pa Ingalls in a snow storm, with
a fire and maybe handmade gifts, with real heart and love… yeah I could be down
with that, but I don’t see that happening right now.
And still I rise!! <3
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