pfft..that behind me?? oh yea, that's a MOUNTAIN!

Was organizing my papers, putting together old journals, entries, poems, etc and ran across this…Well then.  All I have to say is yanno those roads ahead of me, (shrugs), I’m good and grateful cuz ya see that huge mountain…YEA that’s behind me!!!!!!!!! 

  

Subj:  said the new little moon

Date:  Monday, 4 Feb 2002 12:26AM

From: Nuyoureecanmami

Rarely do I set down and not words comes to me, and yet as I set down to write this email, I don’t even know how to begin.  So much has happened.  M y life has always been chaotic and I believed I had gotten used to it.  A few days ago, I received some news about my childhood, that I suspected but was not sure of, because my brain had apparently blocked it out… but as an intoxicated family member starting sharing these memories with me, I knew it was true.  In a nutshell, I was molested as a child, and apparently had suppressed the memory.  Of course it took me by complete surprise and utter horror.  I cried so much, hurt so deep and felt a shame I didn't even know existed but then so m any things, behaviors and choices became clear to me.  I am not just a screw up.  I am a product of my environment.. in fact I am better than a product of my environment…because I broke those chains for my kids, future grandkids etc.  I am not sure what the lesson in my molestation was .but I do now recognize the lesson on this last one.  Last night as I drove home from work on a particularly calm night, crying because frankly I was and am still stunned and reeling from the blow of this revelation and also because I had a horrendous day at work … <because this intoxicated relative is now calling and harassing my kids, even me at my job by phone>   so there I was driving down the highway listening to something can’t even recall and there it was… for the first time in my life I was completely awestruck.  Now we are talking about a girl from NYC who seen just about everything and I was awestruck, forgot to breathe for a moment and just had my eyes fill up with tears again in wonder.

There right in front of me was the BIGGEST, most incredible, BRIGHTEST, yellow’ist’, MOON that I had ever seen.  It looked as though it were sitting on the end of the highways and for a moment I felt as though I was staring at a science fiction movie screen.  It reminded me how vast our universe is and how small WE SEEM but aren't.  Somehow my potential WAS the brightness of that moon, we are connected, and I was being told how special life is and how awesome, personal and intricate my journey is.  So many people tell me, (if I chose to share something from my life with them)  Don’t worry lots of people have it worse than you, well you know what, that’s not helpful, because when you are in crisis you are only FEELING your own pain and grief and that is normal, but that moon told ME I was and am special a force to be reckoned with.  Not without purpose or a plan. I couldn't cry anymore.  I was too moved by that gift and thee universe was consoling lil ole me… so my lesson in this painful moment is.  

We do what we can, we move on and we remember that it is NEVER the end… said the new little moon!

Leveling Up!!!!

I find the word ‘ready’ to be inadequate to describe how I feel.  Ready?? Nope, ready is a weak, soggy, and downplayed, under vibrant version of the fire burning inside of me.  Ready? Prepared? All set?  Primed? Equipped?  How about all that and then some!! I am already basking in the excellence that is my ATHLETIC body.  I already feel it, I AM IT… reality is catching up. 

Since Puerto Rico, my eating has not been uber clean. I wanted… something, a renewed vigor and purpose.  I hadn't thrown in the towel on health au contraire; I raised my mileage to 8 miles a day 6 days a week and added power workouts 3x a week.   Just felt a bit stagnant with all of these emotions that needed/needs processing.  I slipped into rewarding myself with (unhealthy) treats.  A Starbucks decaf etc. <add a couple of miles, it’s all good> so my weight didn't increase but neither did my feeling of health or well-being.

I decided to commit to a 30 day cleanse.  YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, I tentatively took this step and am now waiting on the ‘system’ to arrive.  I AM UBER excited…. to give myself the gifts of a clean and healthy body.   To truly honor my achievements with ‘treats’ that will allow me much more time dancing, running and playing with my little cousins or grandchildren, not to  mention how much energy I HAVE now, imagine Shanti running peak performance.

I jumped rope today….REALLY power jumped…I did my eight miles, 20 min power sculpt, then jumped rope.  When things slow down as they sometimes will, do not look at how far you have to go...take a glance at how far you’ve come.  That’s where I am today.  GRATEFUL… ACCOMPLISHED… and owning that my body does not like fake, shit food anymore.  (who got herself a tummy ache)??? LOL. 

Time to level up on this road less traveled!!!! ON FYAH!  HERE WE gooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

GET TO IT BRILLIANT BEING. There is no need to procrastinate the gateway to wholeness-it stands before you with your name on it. The world is ready for what you have to offer. No time like the presence. ~~ Jeff Brown

The Gift of Gold!

One year ago, my Aunt (best friend and sister) died.   I miss her and am so grateful for the catalyst that her passing onto her reunion with source brought me.  I thank her almost every day.

This blog is dedicated to her.  My Darsh, who is now shining so brightly, her iridescent wings allowing her to soar to such great heights that she could never imagine being encumbered as she was by the weight of her human vehicle.  I know she is here with me; I can feel her and am now so much more aware.

Life Out Loud

Owning all aspects of myself has set me free in ways I could not previously conceive of whilst lost in my darkness.  The light is now so bright in me, I can’t help but rain love down, paying forward the joy and enthusiasm with which I greet life.  I am so in love with ME.  I love every single thing about me.  I am 230 pounds <as opposed to 350> <gained two pounds in Puerto Rico, lol..thank SOURCE for 7 miles a day!!! Whew!>  I am discovering muscles, I am light café au lait color <lotsa milk> and yes, I have accepted and love even the fact that I do indeed currently have loose skin mostly on my belly, my inner thighs and my <lol> bat wings.  Pfft I am so very grateful to my body for having not only endured but preserved on this journey, and giving me three gorgeous children.  Do I feel badly about myself for any of this?  FUCK no!!!!  I love every perfectly imperfect part of myself.  Oh AND I have had silver in my hair since I was 17, BOOYAH!!!! And I may decide to let it all go silver… <shrugs> WHATEVER suits me!!!   Health is now my LIFESTYLE and I am eager to see what the best me is. 

I curse like a sailor at times, I laugh LOUD.  I have NO SHAME IN MY GAME.  I love with my entire soul, no reservations and I cry easily <except for this trip..way too many emotions to process YET>.  I am a highly sensitive person and have been empathic all of my life.  I choose to be the change I want in this world, and would have sincerely joined the peace corp if I had my bachelor’s or master’s degree.  I want to be of service and am walking my talk. 

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, had very few symptoms of it left except hyper-vigilance at night, and a few small leftover triggers I still have to work through.  I acknowledge and accept ALL of me…

Choosing to SEE and RECEIVING miracles

Yesterday my parents and I went to Culebra.  The ferry ride was amazing.  It is an hour ride each way.  I sat on the mid-level under the hot, beaming sun, my soul ecstatically blossoming under the winds strong embrace.  The boat rocked to and fro on the waves, I could feel Gaia’s energy traveling through both my spiritual/physical body cleansing/restoring my soul to joy and pure light.

On the island I quickly walked into the water eager to taste paradise, it had been so long since I've felt that free and wild.  Wearing a black swimsuit and a tangerine sarong, I could feel the wild and primal goddess rising inside of me, eager to run, roam, to nuzzle my soul mate.  I stood there embracing the primordial sensations flowing in my blood and intoxicating my senses.  My mom was infected by my joy and actually frolicked in the water with me.  After our day in paradise and drinking passion fruit and mango frappes we boarded the bus in the midst of a tropical afternoon fierce, tempestuous storm. 

My spirit was (and is) glowing and humming.  I feel no desire to control and change anyone.  I am happily observing the world and making educated decisions for myself.  Even though it was slightly drizzling and threatening another turbulent tropical storm, I sat on the middle deck again.

The ride back was magical.  I closed my eyes, turning my face toward heaven, repeated thank you, thank you, thank you.  I am the clouds, I am the sun, I am the ocean, I am the mountains, I am God/Goddess, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, as I opened my eyes I saw a young policeman smiling at me.  I knew my light was beaming.  

 I looked into the sky in gratitude and saw a heart <a FREAKING HEART> left by the shape of the clouds.  I took a picture as did my Mom and I saw two more heart, cloud formations as I drove towards Aibonito.  45 years on this planet and I have NEVER ever seen that before, even being an avid cloud watcher as a young child and woman!  It is said if you look for love you'll see it, if you look for joy you will find it, if you look for crap you will find that too.  I saw and felt the light, beauty and love.  I was truly in alignment with Source.  I am lucky and grateful to have so many blessings in my life.  So many people to love and be loved by, I have fully come to the place where I know I am worthy of this magnificent life.

I AM… LOVE

I AM… LIGHT

I AM… JOY

I AM… HEALHTY

I AM… STRONG

I AM… SUCCULENCE

Thank you Aunt Darsh… my road dog for being the catalyst that woke me up and saved my life, you are here in my heart now and forever.

 

I love me, I love you!

Choosing to shine FOREVER!

Panning for my soul's GOLD!

Whew!  I am in Puerto Rico for the first time in 28 years.  There were many reasons I didn’t come back ‘home’ for so long.   As I travel in the car as a back seat passenger for the first time in years, watching the landscape, clouds, people, signs etc. I am transported back in time to the young woman I was at 17, my last trip to la isla de mi encanto.   It stands to reason that this would be the coup de grace of my  journey propelling me forward to my highest and greatest self. 

Day 1:  Arrived in Puerto Rico, conquered my fear of flying, found the seats to be quite roomy, <thank self and source for all the working out LOL>, and met up with parents who were running late, giving me time to just ‘be’ for a few minutes.  Needed that time to acclimate and just breathe in the experience.  I realize that although I have made it a part of my life to take time to smell the roses, in observational mode, not everyone else has, which is right for their journeys, and my choices for mine.  Lots of hugging and kissing when I finally saw my parents, we went to eat at an amazing restaurant where I had fish and boiled bananas… bacalao y bianda …. Num nums!! Then we drove around looking around, sightseeing, my dad proudly showing me his home now and mom asking me constantly if I am alright <smiles>.  It was very cute and long.

 

Day 2:  Went driving with my parental units, sightseeing, with my dad narrating <lol> … we got caught in a monsoon and I found out that shrimp soup in PR has RICE in it.. urgh.. lmao  we spent the day out and ended up home late.  After posting a few pics.. I DID pass out after listening to the AMAZING last call of my 12 week telecourse.

Day 3: THE DAY I FELT the clay fall off of this golden Buddha <me> we went to the BEACH and that is when my heart expanded and I felt all the walls surrounding me strip away.  I left my parents taking their time at the car and ran to the water inhaling the Caribbean with all of my being.  Wow.  I was 17 again and it felt euphoric.  I literally felt such joy shining in every cell of my being.  I jogged on the beach <yes me.. lol> with the velvety sand caressing my feet.  I found my first sand dollar and held it tenderly.. I walked on the beach with my mom… absorbing all of the beauty and sweet scent of the isle.  I felt so free on the beach, a humbling and inspiring surge of life flow through my veins.  I was HOME.  I remembered who I was underneath ‘the story’.  Beneath all of ‘scripts’ I had incorporated from my environment.  I remember ME, the uniquely defining id of my innate being.  On the way home after dinner, I watched the full moon over the mountains.  Oh my God/dess, what majestic, magnificent brilliance.  I laid my head against the back of the car and just ‘felt’ so connected to LOVE. 

Day 4:  “TimeWarp” Time to see my grandmother… got up early worked out with my mom <every morning except for Sunday> got ready and off we went.  Stopped first to take scenic pictures, and then went to my cousins’ house, whom I hadn’t seen in 28 years… I hugged her and stared at her.  Wow, time passed here too.  I met her grandchild… WOW, we are all grandparents.  After seeing her, we went to my aunt’s house… she was too frail and old to travel.  Saw my other cousin, memories galore.  We were at the house I used to live at every summer with my grandmother… wow, was I really an incredibly imaginative young girl who played with no abandon?  Was that fierce creatura’ me?  Yes, she was and still is.  Off to see my grandmother… to the nursing home we went.  I took several deep breathes before I went into the community room.  There she was sitting in her rocking chair, two strokes have left her frailer, tiny and with partial memory loss, combined with the dementia, she looked at me and asked who I was.  I gently told her, she said she didn’t believe it, but after repeatedly and gently telling her stories of ‘us’ … looking directly into her eyes constantly, I saw the love, I did.  I know on a soul level she knew who I was.  She held my hand… I kissed her hand repeatedly. 

She told me how much she loves me.  Tears trickled down my face, as I watched the woman who loved me unconditionally struggle to talk.  I kept repeating over and over again in my mind, grateful, love, grateful, love, thank you, thank you.  We spent the allowed allotted time with her and rolled her into dinner. I left feeling again one with source and love!   We drove around and had a beautiful seafood dinner literally over the Caribbean.  Wow.   I came home watching la Luna the entire trip, knowing that I have come to a place of acceptance, gratitude and learning. 

My arms are thrown wide open embracing this experience with my entire being.  I am hugely grateful and receptive to whatever is coming.  I am LOVE, LIGHT, SOURCE, HEALTHY, GRATEFUL and happy!  

Day 5: Today:  Rest

Day 6:Tomorrow: Beach

YES I am too blessed to be stressed! <3

Choosing Light

I am bent

Crouched down in the muck

Black ooze slides off my skin

And still I won't be stuck

recognize this place

my soul's embers 

keep the darkness at bay

steps I can retrace

wrapped in my souls embrace

Fears lurks at every bend

As I fight to raise my head

I may curl into a ball

Safe from the blows and the woes

I still will not, still will not fall

Exploring the terrain

Examining the shame

Choosing to forgive

release all of the pain

Sounds easy I know

to ego such primal blows

A rejection of protection

And still....

To the light I choose to go.

Something Interesting

When did I expect joy exclusively

Never to experience life's tempestuous whimsy

When did I learn to own the pain

Not just gleaning the lesson, but owning the shame

Our feelings are gifts, our GPS to guide us

Not a rift in time to cower and bind us

When did I expect it to ever be breezy

Birthing my highest me

Contractions are not easy

It's the pulling, the pushing

The writhing in pain

That gives way to love

Universal in name

The twists and the turns

Will at times leave us screaming

But in that precious moment

We truly start seeing

If we can push past the agony

Still breathing, tears streaming

Not dead, still here, tiny flame flickering

We find we are starting to believe in....

Something.

3/1/13 S. Shaharazade

We Can Start Again!

If I am not my emotions

I am not then even my fears

Those are just illusions of rusty padlocks

Trapping my soul deep within here. 

Staring at the pinnacle

Never realized the height

Of all those added steps

The human me, gasped in fright

That seems insurmountable

So impossible to reach

What more does my soul need to learn

What more do I teach

It’s cyclical this journey

Wrought with both pain and joy

Embracing all nuances of our soul

Is the only way not to stay fallen

Loving all that is

Both the darkness and the light

Allows us to be spectators of emotions

And not enslaved to the night

We are created

A beautiful balance

Twas not an accident

Certainly not happenstance

A recipe of the greatest love

Free to make our choices

Free to choose the pain

When we realize it’s all our doing

We can START AGAIN!  

Shanti Shaharazade 2013

Little e < I AM

Shanti: I surrender... I AM. I AM 180, healthy strong , abundant, loved, loving ....

Ego: Your gonna get hurt, listen to me Shanti: I will not judge, I AM love Ego: you've done this before, remember

Shanti: I am perfect health, I will not take medications, I will feel

Ego: Damn, you are going to fall hard, I've saved you before over and over again, I've kept you safe! LISTEN!!

Shanti: I AM love... I LOVE me

Ego: That's not enough, if you just "_________" you can control.........

Shanti: I am God/dess.

Ego: you are buggin

Shanti: I AM success.... I am already there, just waiting for my reality to catch up

Ego: Uh oh she may not need me. (starts causing chaos) LOOK at me!!!!

Shanti: thoughts racing, what if.... (Hearing/feeling ego's panic). Chooses love AGAIN

Ego: Shit, shanti I am trying to save you, this doesn't have to be hard

Shanti: I choose LIFE

Ego: Don't you feel the danger, the panic, the fear..... Told you to listen to me...see now!!! 

Shanti: I am love, this will pass....thank you ego for thinking your saving me! Thank you for protecting me, I respect that you were needed, I/we got this now.

and so it goes... and still I CHOOSE LOVE.  

More about Ego Death at this link:   (only one of many!)

http://www.transpersonal.com.au/mind/ego-death.htm

YOU are here!

I realized today, that “it” has all dropped away.  It is gone.  All illusions of control, security… the straight and narrow path that I had perceived life to be, GONE!  It truly was an illusion.  I GET it now.  I AM standing on a blank map (think MALL location map) empty save for the red dot that says YOU are here.  The compass on the map, yea well it’s spinning.  Through the pain of this re-evolving into my innate self, I am discovering so much about myself and past perceptions of life. 

I woke up this morning, feeling the familiar mix of gratitude, a bit lost, and an undercurrent of anxiety running all through me.  I had now become used to numbing with exercise rather than the old me numbing with food, drama, TV, ‘helping others’, reality shows, more drama, smoking ganja.  Fibromyalgia raised its head.  My pain is not a back problem, it’s a fibro flare-up.    I haven’t had one this severe in a while. During the last flare-up, I used ganja to ease the pain.  I don’t use anything stronger than Motrin or Advil now, by choice. Talk about raw. 

So there I was, I had a plan, and oh what a plan, but last night as I was reading Marianne Williamson’s “Law of Divine Compensation” I read a sentence that traveled into my subconscious with me as Morpheus came to claim me.    “How may I be of service to this world” … yup that sentence shifted me, and my soul.   I woke up this morning LOST, not knowing where the hell I am headed, where the hell I supposed to be… WTF??   I started going through my emails, checking this, checking that, and I found an e-card dated exactly one year and a day before my aunt died.  I had never seen it.  It was a Mother’s day card from 2011…

The pain smashed into me, shattering every illusion of control I had.  Raw, primal, soul wrenching agony, once again WHAM, a realization hit me on top of the pain, THIS IS THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED.  NOT knowing anything at all except where you are right now.  It is here at the crux of the whole excavation process, the digging and rooting through all of the chaos for that nugget of gold, that I find ME. Apparently I am in the contraction throes for the birth of a pistol star.

(Esmerelda~~Lisa Steinke)

I tried to contain the maelstrom of tremendous sorrow I was feeling and started to get ready to do my five miles, when I just couldn't hold it back anymore.  I kind of sobbed my way down the stairs and cried my soul out on a loved one’s shoulder.  I couldn't speak, I couldn't think, all I could do was BE, a mass of swirling, primordial pain. I sat in the huge leather recliner and drew my knees up to my chest, heaving and sobbing.  I understood now about the extreme grief my aunt had been dealing with losing my uncle, her brother/best friend AND my grandmother, her mom.  WOW, I never GOT it until today.  No wonder she had told me that she had to go first, she wouldn't be able to live through my death.  I get it now.  I cried and told her I was sorry I never understood what she was dealing with, in addition to all of her physical pain. 

My first inclination was to reach out and ground myself with some illusions of control over things I cannot control.  Not happening, my soul does not want the bullshit anymore.  I wept for the good part of an hour.  Cried myself back to calm, through the panic and SURRENDER, I bawled, sobbed, sniffled myself into the epiphany… that this is PROGRESS.  (blink blink) Progress… yes, I am more ‘real’ than I have ever been before.  I am stronger than I’ve ever been before.  I SURRENDER and RELEASE my soul to the process.  

I didn't need to drag anyone with me on the trip through hell or fall prey to old intoxicants to get through it.  I FELT IT ALL, and didn't overeat. Umm actually I might have tripped the opposite switch now.  When stressed I’M NOT HUNGRY at all, almost nauseous … that’s NEW wtf?? Okay … changes.  I know I have put it out there to God/Goddess/Source.  HOW can I BE OF SERVICE to this world???

So I’m on a crystal bridge (think Indiana Jones putting one foot in front of another TRUSTING that there is a bridge there)… I can’t see anything in front of me.  I’m okay with that.  I am still putting one foot in front of the other.  Tonight we celebrated my grandson’s 7^th birthday… loud and proud at an IHOP <his favorite place>. A panic attack threatened me as I was leaving the house on my way to meet my rugrats and I told it…  listen, you do what you have to do cuz I’m going.

I had an amazing time. 

Will it hurt like this morning again… yup, probably, if not I am grateful, if so I am grateful. My spirit is being catapulted into greatness, and I am quite comfortable giving birth to a star, knowing that I am in the chaos for a reason, and the reason is ME.

I am here… you are here.  Here is what we have.  I’m kewl with it, one step at a time. 

Lisa of http://www.lisasteinkeart.com/ posted this today in a wonderful, inspirational group that I’m a part of.  I thought it succinctly described exactly how I feel on this part of the road.  “Esmerelda is an example of discipline, detail, focus, consistency, and risk all mixed up together. She is a metaphor for letting go while staying focused and pressing forward.”  Wow.  HOW PERFECT IS THAT????  Exactly!!!  I am here!  

Amazing Grace/Growth (written 3/14/2010)

I did know it was time to take this journey to a new level and I was 
correct.  My spirit has been summoned to shine, and shine it must.  No more free downloads, no more watching free movies (streaming bootleg) on the internet.  It is time to budget and take care of all past debts to the best of my ability; it is time to be authentic in all areas of my life. 

Stephen asked me with a tinge of snideness in his voice, which I 

chose not to address because he can feel what he wants to feel… “What made you become such a goody goody?”   I was almost 

offended….   A goody goody to me has always been somewhat of an insult.   I am known as a rebel… my dad said to me on the phone on Saturday.   To me now a rebel means dancing to the beat of my own drummer, which includes not having to do what everyone else does.  I just want to clean my spiritual house.  How can I build 

greatness on top of a wobbly foundation?  No, I prefer doing the 

work and building it correctly, and durably.

Years ago, while I was a practicing devout Christian, I followed allof the rules in fear of the repercussions of hell.  I was trying my 

best to live as Jesus did, honestly and truly, no secular music, no 

secular television, no cursing, church every time the doors were 

opened, praying on my knees constantly, asking for forgiveness forthinking ‘sinful’ things.  I went along with everything I was taught  despite my inner twinge of..  examine this more closely, Shanti.. 

there is something wrong with these principles.. (FOR ME)

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no 

matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." – Buddha.   So very true… and I realize 

that the changes I am making have to do with ME feeling deeply 

within my soul that they are correct for the spiritual journey I 

want my life to be, not because I am fearful of some fiery lake of 

burning sulfur.   My Source/Goddess/God…by whatever 
you prefer your Great Spirit is not vengeful, not jealous, not 

judging me… my Source loves me and entrusts me with my personal mission.  I AM that special soul I believed myself to be whilst I 

was a child.  I am full of power and strength, I AM soft and tender. I am amazing, and my job is to be AMAZING AND SHINE, thereby lighting other’s flames and that is what I will do!

I feel FREE, of the restraints of society, free to dance to that 

crazy dynamic fiery beat within my soul.  I feel free to dress my 

ever diminishing plus sized bodacious body in whatever I want too,I feel liberated embracing my new (XMEN’S) Storm streaked hair and I am beautiful, I am Source…     I am.

I am supremely grateful for every gift… every lesson….every 

struggle that has made me… .me.

Amazing Growth!