Happy Birthday North Star, I adore you!

Yesterday was a day ripe full of Source clarifying that I am indeed on MY authentic path.  There are no mistakes only life lessons, that if chosen can enable us to grow to the highest version of ourselves.  No right, wrong, good or bad, there JUST is.  Yes we can sit down and talk about what is happening in the world, and how fucked up it is, why is there no justice for children, seniors, animals, why are things just so damn hard?  Or we can change ourselves and do SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  Most people want to talk about what’s wrong in their lives.  I too used to focus on the perceived angst of my journey.  If I told you every detail of the long ass haul from a dysfunctional family to this shiny, authentic light, you might say.. dayum I’D bitch too, that was the reaction I always did get upon sharing small fractions of THAT <true> story. 

Story… yup  it all happened, rape, molestation, group homes, foster homes, sleeping on the street, going hungry…. Yup yup yup, an abusive marriage, then a 15 year sham of a marriage… I raised my children predominately alone, yup.. had/have anxiety, ate for comfort, numbed by any means available including yelling, screaming, crying, expecting my children TO LOVE my pain away… .. oh JESUS help me.. please take away this pain… please fill the whole inside of my chest.. OMG I think that I am going to DIE FROM THIS alone feeling.  WHY WON’T ANYONE love me.. why won’t…. yadda yadda yadda…  yup.. that was me.  WAS me. 

Through the entire aforementioned SMALL piece of my story, I knew there was always something MORE in me, shining brightly, I KNEW there was more; I just didn’t realize I HAD TO OVARY up, and FIND THE COURAGE to save myself.  It is said, “When the student is ready, the teacher will come”.  Ready: absorbent, open, receptive, and humbled by the journey.  My teachers began to trickle in.  When I reached the level of accessibility, and was truly READY, I began to HEAR, (really hear) oh sooo slowly and to think.. could there be another way?  Do I just have to choose to change the perspective on this kaleidoscope with which I view life?? Boundaries, what the hell is that?  Oh shit, NOW NO-ONE IS GOING TO LOVE ME, can I really do that.  I MEAN I spent most of my life, performing and pleasing others just to get the love I was getting much less the LOVE I REALLY WANTED.  (Didn’t know that was self –love.. not yet)  

Damn.  Scary shit. 

Fast forward:  Was in NYC, reacquainting myself with long lost family, my aunt called from Mass, had something along the lines of a torn ACL, <she had had Guilin –Barre as a child in Guyana, so walking was always painful for her BEFORE the injury> and needed me to come back to Mass to take care of my lil cuz’s  Kelsey and Korin.  I did (so grateful I followed my intuition, there are NO coincidences) we all became CLOSER (we were already close) I was the first person to hold Korin ten years ago, and adored all three of them with all of my heart.  You have to know Korin to understand, she’s one of THOSE children.  A north star, leading the way with her light and love, she cannot be deterred.  She stands firm in her love; it’s an amazing wonder to behold.   Her very presence just makes one want to be a better person….. the person that she sees under ‘THE STORY’. 

My lil cuz’s went to live with their father (it was A HELL OF A GROWTH SPURT for all of us), my aunt died, I was CRUSHED.  Excuse me hello? that was NOT in the plan, we were ‘supposed’ to sit in rocking chairs one day and talk about how WE made it, from two little girls NEEDING love to crones, still together (only two year difference between us).  She died.  The last time I’ve seen my lil cousins was at her funeral.. shitty anniversary, we decided yesterday to change that at the earliest opportunity. 

Fast Forward:  

Yesterday, went to counseling, (diagnosed with PTSD), go every week, every Wednesday… I find it’s a good place to vent, without attachment.   Sitting in the waiting room, I checked Facebook as usual, was really antsy, after taking my pic in the bathroom mirror, I was on fire.  Oh my goodness I lost so much weight.. yadda  yadda yadda.  I then looked around and thought……hmm I want to ‘connect’, pay attention, I shut off the phone, the Ipad, put everything away, and looked around.  The waiting room was partially full of children, really sad obese people, (like me a year ago), almost everyone clicking away on their phones, the kids on their games, a sad little woman stuffing magazines into her bag.  I really paid attention.  I realized that in each person in that waiting room was the same GOD/DESS/Source spark that was in me.  I am no better, no worse, we are ONE.  I concentrated on seeing that spark in each person, and sent them love.  

After talking to my counselor who is NEVER bored <that is our goal, LOL> I left, hugely grateful and set about the rest of my day.  Wonder Woman Wednesday’s.  Seriously, went food shopping, then came home and prepared for class.  One of my siSTAR’S asked me how much weight I lost and I went digging around for a picture and found the Xmas pic 10 of me.  DAYUM .. I put that up next to yesterday’s picture.  Dayum.  I, MYSELF was shocked, humbled and grateful.  During the call/class, my phone beeped, I usually ignore ALL calls during a class.  It’s ME TIME.  However when ya see the ‘NORTH STAR’ calling you, ya tend to pay attention.  I clicked over.  Korin called me to tell me it was her birthday today.  We, both of the girls and I talked for so long, shining light on each other, reminding one another of our bond and GREAT love for each other.  All of our hearts soared as we talked about my aunt with love and laughter. IT WAS beautiful, such a gift. 

I remember why I started this journey… every bit of it.  Today I tried on a size 16 pair of jeans from American Eagle, granted they are stretchy but they almost closed.. I am in size 18 right now, from a 30/32.  DAYUM.  Losing weight is just a gift with ‘purchase’ of finding the love for me, I NO LONGER have that gaping whole of loneliness in side of my chest.   I get to shine light authentically from every pore.  I confront my fears and some days are more fraught with anxiety than others.  THAT’S OKAY. I love even my panic.  I love every inch of me… shrinking, silver hair showing, loose skin having, shredded muscles blossoming, learning, mistake making inch OF ME.  I ADORE ME now. Nothing and NO ONE will or can get in my way BUT me… and oh … I LOVE ME TOO MUCH FOR THAT SHIZNIT.  After all when the north star says… but Shanny I need light.. pfft. 

One pays attention.

ARMS OUTSTRETCHED to universe.  Ya gotta go THROUGH it to get to the other side.  NO shortcuts.  I know.. .pfft. Was I ever indignant at the beginning! 

LOVing me, LOVing you.  

Excavating Toxins

I had my feelings hurt tonight.  Damnit, I’m still human.. <smiles> all that work and still I’m human.  What the hell, I thought I was WONDER WOMAN.  NOT!!! I had an exercise in my transformational telecourse where I pick out the words that trigger me and then we do work to deactivate the power behind the words/thoughts etc.  I had a list of words but I wasn’t feeling strongly about them, because I haven’t felt all that ‘sensitive’ lately. 

I’m hugely grateful for tonight, now I can write.  It broke the dam of denial.   Crystal uses the acronym, Didn’t Even No I Am Lying = Denial.   I realized that I have not been triggered because I have eliminated naysayers FROM my life.  It is inevitable however that my path will intersect with some negative souls. I need a backup plan, to excavate the deeper issues. 

So the issue is disability.  I am on SSDI, that I paid into, I had a ‘breakdown/through’ 9/11/02, I was working as a case manager for clients with HIV.   I was driving to work, and the reminders were everywhere.  I did not want to watch the news and watch the towers fall again, I was there.  I know. 

  

My first job was in the world trade center, my foster father was the head of maintenance in both buildings and I let my son take off that day to work the polls with my mom who worked for SEIU 1199, so she was working for Mayoral candidate Ferrera.  I thought it would be a good experience for him.  They were headed to HARLEM, and decided instead to go to Queens (to get to Harlem, they had to the E or F train …  the E train ran under the WTC, my mom has always liked to wander)… I didn’t know that they were safe until after noon, then they had walk a few hours home in that madness.  I didn’t know where they were, and I couldn’t get to my daughters because of bomb threats.  So suffice it to say, supporting five, dealing with TEENAGERS IN transition, moving to mass so I didn’t have to worry about them in that way ever again,  It was just too much for my soul at that time.  I had to shut and introvert.  I’m not ashamed.  I’m GRATEFUL that I had the opportunity to root around the abyss and find my way out of the nine circles of hell, because let me tell you the abyss LOOKED straight into my eyes, and I choose light.  (Writing “Salinda’s Light” my story based on the most vivid dream I’ve ever had choosing light over darkness) 

I thought I was over people looking down on me because I am on disability for PTSD/anxiety especially because I used the time to go to college and change my life.  I CHOSE. I didn’t waste my time, I routed out toxins and became a whole person that now owns my own choices and blames NO-one.  So why did this bother me, especially from a stranger.  THEN I got it, it’s not about this person, it’s about my mom, who underneath her ‘love’ does not feel I am of TRUE value unless I’m in ANY job no matter how much it exacerbates my fibromyalgia or anxiety.  Well ummm I love my mom with all of my heart, however; opinions are like assholes everyone has one.  I’m not jeopardizing my joy by doing anything that does not bring me joy.  I can love my mom and look at her with understanding eyes because she didn’t realize she had choices.   I aim towards love and light. My children have NEVER been hungry or without a home.  I provided.  I did it.  So at the bottom of all of this was my mom’s beliefs about me and I choose not going to even bring it up with her.  No need to cause her pain and set off the guilt. It’s my issue.  I got this. 

So why do I post all of my challenges and epiphanies out loud?? I CHOOSE to be the change, and there could be ONE person, JUST ONE, that needs to know that IT DOES TAKE WORK, and it’s worth it.  I’m an excavator of my own truth, an anthropologist of my behavioral origins!!! Takes courage and tenacity to admit and own my shit, and I am all about it.  So my trigger is being ‘ judged’  but the truth is.. SO WHAT if I’m on disability??? I’m not staying on it because I CHOOSE to go back into the world and use my life experiences for good, in service.  I did pay into it and OBVIOUSLY God/dess saw fit to provide because I got it in a MONTH.  THAT’S USUALLY unheard of.  <shrugs> I’m good with it.  I’m going to write a letter to my mom about this issue and burn it under a waning moon to dispel negativity.

Got to admit there is a problem to fix it. 

This is what courage would have me do… I AM SO GRATEFUL I got triggered.  I LEARNED.  NOW I can finish deactivating this ‘bad boy’!!!! 

Courage

My definition of courage has definitely changed over the years. 

When I was young and wounded, I thought that baring my teeth and snarling at potential attackers was courageous.  I thought that fitting in, and adapting to the ‘group’ took courage, because it killed my spirit to do so.  I was under the impression someone was going to give a shit that I had morphed myself into the status quo.  I didn't realize everyone had on their game faces and no one was shining brightly. 

You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.~~Aristotle

I mean really… what the hell was shining brightly???  I had no clue. Upon reflection I realize that I did indeed shine brightly at times, and it was those times that I was truly living LIFE vibrantly.  Those are the times I remember with great fondness, love and appreciation. 

Today while I was on the phone with a loved one, I began going through a box of pictures that have been sitting on my floor since winter, and went down memory lane;  my babies, mom, cousins, aunts, uncles… me as a baby, me as a very large woman… well then!

Looking at the aforementioned picture I can see the unhappiness radiating all over me. I was still playing a game, faking that I understood my self-worth.  I didn’t really.  It wasn’t until I watched a meditational video that the walls of Jericho came tumbling down around my feet.  I really understood on a deep level that we are perfect as children.  Perfect.  AS is, as was, without all the programming.  We are innate light beings, no need for us to perform to make adults smile, or to wash the cares from their brow.  NOT OUR JOB AS babies, children, teenagers or adults, and truly understanding that was pivotal for me. 

I remember MANY times in counseling my therapist would look at me and say, “Shanti, it’s not you, you are buying into their story” … I fought that concept with every fiber of my being, that was so hard for me to grasp, it’s not me?? What do you mean it’s not me? Even if we look at the evidence statistically, by sheer numbers alone, it HAS to be me.  How can ALL these people be wrong and me.. ME … I’m okay????  Pfft! Impossible. 

We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.~~Martin Luther King, Jr.

It wasn't impossible and realizing that we are only responsible for self; both scared the shit out of me and set me free in ways I had only previously imagined. 

I was free to:

Own my repercussions <sounds fun eh?>

Forgive myself and others

Lay out a new strategy <it was and sometimes is STILL confusing>

RE-CREATE my life <yes this IS fun>

Create and implement boundaries <can be truly scary>

Make new choices < really like this one>

Revel in imperfect perfection

Love myself and others in a way I didn’t think was possible for me. 

Learn and apply more positive, light affirming methods every day!!!

I do love me NOW,  I know this for sure.  The evidence is all around me.  This authentic journey requires much courage.  The type of courage that will hold your hand in the middle of the night when you wish the facade of a relationship was there to take up space in the dark vast of self where one can get lost until the terrain is understood.  The kind of courage that will caress your spirit gently as ‘friends and family’ walk away not knowing what to make of your ‘real’ self and newly set boundaries, as you stay determined, even through the tears and the … ‘I thought he or should would get it’ thoughts … it’s not always that they don’t get it, it may be that they do, and they have not yet found their treasure trove of courage yet.  

So while you want to dance around with your brand new BFF, ‘Courage’, it could be scaring the crap out of those around you.  Do you change your trajectory, no, just become more understanding that not everyone will be thrilled to watch how that courage drives you to do things that they at this time can only dream of. 

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~~Anais Nin

Bring it... I’m ready!   (I say COURAGEOUS with one eye closed) lol it’s less scary that way. 

Here is the link for that affirming meditation that literally rocked my world so.  

Click here for inspiration

pfft..that behind me?? oh yea, that's a MOUNTAIN!

Was organizing my papers, putting together old journals, entries, poems, etc and ran across this…Well then.  All I have to say is yanno those roads ahead of me, (shrugs), I’m good and grateful cuz ya see that huge mountain…YEA that’s behind me!!!!!!!!! 

  

Subj:  said the new little moon

Date:  Monday, 4 Feb 2002 12:26AM

From: Nuyoureecanmami

Rarely do I set down and not words comes to me, and yet as I set down to write this email, I don’t even know how to begin.  So much has happened.  M y life has always been chaotic and I believed I had gotten used to it.  A few days ago, I received some news about my childhood, that I suspected but was not sure of, because my brain had apparently blocked it out… but as an intoxicated family member starting sharing these memories with me, I knew it was true.  In a nutshell, I was molested as a child, and apparently had suppressed the memory.  Of course it took me by complete surprise and utter horror.  I cried so much, hurt so deep and felt a shame I didn't even know existed but then so m any things, behaviors and choices became clear to me.  I am not just a screw up.  I am a product of my environment.. in fact I am better than a product of my environment…because I broke those chains for my kids, future grandkids etc.  I am not sure what the lesson in my molestation was .but I do now recognize the lesson on this last one.  Last night as I drove home from work on a particularly calm night, crying because frankly I was and am still stunned and reeling from the blow of this revelation and also because I had a horrendous day at work … <because this intoxicated relative is now calling and harassing my kids, even me at my job by phone>   so there I was driving down the highway listening to something can’t even recall and there it was… for the first time in my life I was completely awestruck.  Now we are talking about a girl from NYC who seen just about everything and I was awestruck, forgot to breathe for a moment and just had my eyes fill up with tears again in wonder.

There right in front of me was the BIGGEST, most incredible, BRIGHTEST, yellow’ist’, MOON that I had ever seen.  It looked as though it were sitting on the end of the highways and for a moment I felt as though I was staring at a science fiction movie screen.  It reminded me how vast our universe is and how small WE SEEM but aren't.  Somehow my potential WAS the brightness of that moon, we are connected, and I was being told how special life is and how awesome, personal and intricate my journey is.  So many people tell me, (if I chose to share something from my life with them)  Don’t worry lots of people have it worse than you, well you know what, that’s not helpful, because when you are in crisis you are only FEELING your own pain and grief and that is normal, but that moon told ME I was and am special a force to be reckoned with.  Not without purpose or a plan. I couldn't cry anymore.  I was too moved by that gift and thee universe was consoling lil ole me… so my lesson in this painful moment is.  

We do what we can, we move on and we remember that it is NEVER the end… said the new little moon!

Leveling Up!!!!

I find the word ‘ready’ to be inadequate to describe how I feel.  Ready?? Nope, ready is a weak, soggy, and downplayed, under vibrant version of the fire burning inside of me.  Ready? Prepared? All set?  Primed? Equipped?  How about all that and then some!! I am already basking in the excellence that is my ATHLETIC body.  I already feel it, I AM IT… reality is catching up. 

Since Puerto Rico, my eating has not been uber clean. I wanted… something, a renewed vigor and purpose.  I hadn't thrown in the towel on health au contraire; I raised my mileage to 8 miles a day 6 days a week and added power workouts 3x a week.   Just felt a bit stagnant with all of these emotions that needed/needs processing.  I slipped into rewarding myself with (unhealthy) treats.  A Starbucks decaf etc. <add a couple of miles, it’s all good> so my weight didn't increase but neither did my feeling of health or well-being.

I decided to commit to a 30 day cleanse.  YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, I tentatively took this step and am now waiting on the ‘system’ to arrive.  I AM UBER excited…. to give myself the gifts of a clean and healthy body.   To truly honor my achievements with ‘treats’ that will allow me much more time dancing, running and playing with my little cousins or grandchildren, not to  mention how much energy I HAVE now, imagine Shanti running peak performance.

I jumped rope today….REALLY power jumped…I did my eight miles, 20 min power sculpt, then jumped rope.  When things slow down as they sometimes will, do not look at how far you have to go...take a glance at how far you’ve come.  That’s where I am today.  GRATEFUL… ACCOMPLISHED… and owning that my body does not like fake, shit food anymore.  (who got herself a tummy ache)??? LOL. 

Time to level up on this road less traveled!!!! ON FYAH!  HERE WE gooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

GET TO IT BRILLIANT BEING. There is no need to procrastinate the gateway to wholeness-it stands before you with your name on it. The world is ready for what you have to offer. No time like the presence. ~~ Jeff Brown

The Gift of Gold!

One year ago, my Aunt (best friend and sister) died.   I miss her and am so grateful for the catalyst that her passing onto her reunion with source brought me.  I thank her almost every day.

This blog is dedicated to her.  My Darsh, who is now shining so brightly, her iridescent wings allowing her to soar to such great heights that she could never imagine being encumbered as she was by the weight of her human vehicle.  I know she is here with me; I can feel her and am now so much more aware.

Life Out Loud

Owning all aspects of myself has set me free in ways I could not previously conceive of whilst lost in my darkness.  The light is now so bright in me, I can’t help but rain love down, paying forward the joy and enthusiasm with which I greet life.  I am so in love with ME.  I love every single thing about me.  I am 230 pounds <as opposed to 350> <gained two pounds in Puerto Rico, lol..thank SOURCE for 7 miles a day!!! Whew!>  I am discovering muscles, I am light café au lait color <lotsa milk> and yes, I have accepted and love even the fact that I do indeed currently have loose skin mostly on my belly, my inner thighs and my <lol> bat wings.  Pfft I am so very grateful to my body for having not only endured but preserved on this journey, and giving me three gorgeous children.  Do I feel badly about myself for any of this?  FUCK no!!!!  I love every perfectly imperfect part of myself.  Oh AND I have had silver in my hair since I was 17, BOOYAH!!!! And I may decide to let it all go silver… <shrugs> WHATEVER suits me!!!   Health is now my LIFESTYLE and I am eager to see what the best me is. 

I curse like a sailor at times, I laugh LOUD.  I have NO SHAME IN MY GAME.  I love with my entire soul, no reservations and I cry easily <except for this trip..way too many emotions to process YET>.  I am a highly sensitive person and have been empathic all of my life.  I choose to be the change I want in this world, and would have sincerely joined the peace corp if I had my bachelor’s or master’s degree.  I want to be of service and am walking my talk. 

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, had very few symptoms of it left except hyper-vigilance at night, and a few small leftover triggers I still have to work through.  I acknowledge and accept ALL of me…

Choosing to SEE and RECEIVING miracles

Yesterday my parents and I went to Culebra.  The ferry ride was amazing.  It is an hour ride each way.  I sat on the mid-level under the hot, beaming sun, my soul ecstatically blossoming under the winds strong embrace.  The boat rocked to and fro on the waves, I could feel Gaia’s energy traveling through both my spiritual/physical body cleansing/restoring my soul to joy and pure light.

On the island I quickly walked into the water eager to taste paradise, it had been so long since I've felt that free and wild.  Wearing a black swimsuit and a tangerine sarong, I could feel the wild and primal goddess rising inside of me, eager to run, roam, to nuzzle my soul mate.  I stood there embracing the primordial sensations flowing in my blood and intoxicating my senses.  My mom was infected by my joy and actually frolicked in the water with me.  After our day in paradise and drinking passion fruit and mango frappes we boarded the bus in the midst of a tropical afternoon fierce, tempestuous storm. 

My spirit was (and is) glowing and humming.  I feel no desire to control and change anyone.  I am happily observing the world and making educated decisions for myself.  Even though it was slightly drizzling and threatening another turbulent tropical storm, I sat on the middle deck again.

The ride back was magical.  I closed my eyes, turning my face toward heaven, repeated thank you, thank you, thank you.  I am the clouds, I am the sun, I am the ocean, I am the mountains, I am God/Goddess, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, as I opened my eyes I saw a young policeman smiling at me.  I knew my light was beaming.  

 I looked into the sky in gratitude and saw a heart <a FREAKING HEART> left by the shape of the clouds.  I took a picture as did my Mom and I saw two more heart, cloud formations as I drove towards Aibonito.  45 years on this planet and I have NEVER ever seen that before, even being an avid cloud watcher as a young child and woman!  It is said if you look for love you'll see it, if you look for joy you will find it, if you look for crap you will find that too.  I saw and felt the light, beauty and love.  I was truly in alignment with Source.  I am lucky and grateful to have so many blessings in my life.  So many people to love and be loved by, I have fully come to the place where I know I am worthy of this magnificent life.

I AM… LOVE

I AM… LIGHT

I AM… JOY

I AM… HEALHTY

I AM… STRONG

I AM… SUCCULENCE

Thank you Aunt Darsh… my road dog for being the catalyst that woke me up and saved my life, you are here in my heart now and forever.

 

I love me, I love you!

Choosing to shine FOREVER!

Panning for my soul's GOLD!

Whew!  I am in Puerto Rico for the first time in 28 years.  There were many reasons I didn’t come back ‘home’ for so long.   As I travel in the car as a back seat passenger for the first time in years, watching the landscape, clouds, people, signs etc. I am transported back in time to the young woman I was at 17, my last trip to la isla de mi encanto.   It stands to reason that this would be the coup de grace of my  journey propelling me forward to my highest and greatest self. 

Day 1:  Arrived in Puerto Rico, conquered my fear of flying, found the seats to be quite roomy, <thank self and source for all the working out LOL>, and met up with parents who were running late, giving me time to just ‘be’ for a few minutes.  Needed that time to acclimate and just breathe in the experience.  I realize that although I have made it a part of my life to take time to smell the roses, in observational mode, not everyone else has, which is right for their journeys, and my choices for mine.  Lots of hugging and kissing when I finally saw my parents, we went to eat at an amazing restaurant where I had fish and boiled bananas… bacalao y bianda …. Num nums!! Then we drove around looking around, sightseeing, my dad proudly showing me his home now and mom asking me constantly if I am alright <smiles>.  It was very cute and long.

 

Day 2:  Went driving with my parental units, sightseeing, with my dad narrating <lol> … we got caught in a monsoon and I found out that shrimp soup in PR has RICE in it.. urgh.. lmao  we spent the day out and ended up home late.  After posting a few pics.. I DID pass out after listening to the AMAZING last call of my 12 week telecourse.

Day 3: THE DAY I FELT the clay fall off of this golden Buddha <me> we went to the BEACH and that is when my heart expanded and I felt all the walls surrounding me strip away.  I left my parents taking their time at the car and ran to the water inhaling the Caribbean with all of my being.  Wow.  I was 17 again and it felt euphoric.  I literally felt such joy shining in every cell of my being.  I jogged on the beach <yes me.. lol> with the velvety sand caressing my feet.  I found my first sand dollar and held it tenderly.. I walked on the beach with my mom… absorbing all of the beauty and sweet scent of the isle.  I felt so free on the beach, a humbling and inspiring surge of life flow through my veins.  I was HOME.  I remembered who I was underneath ‘the story’.  Beneath all of ‘scripts’ I had incorporated from my environment.  I remember ME, the uniquely defining id of my innate being.  On the way home after dinner, I watched the full moon over the mountains.  Oh my God/dess, what majestic, magnificent brilliance.  I laid my head against the back of the car and just ‘felt’ so connected to LOVE. 

Day 4:  “TimeWarp” Time to see my grandmother… got up early worked out with my mom <every morning except for Sunday> got ready and off we went.  Stopped first to take scenic pictures, and then went to my cousins’ house, whom I hadn’t seen in 28 years… I hugged her and stared at her.  Wow, time passed here too.  I met her grandchild… WOW, we are all grandparents.  After seeing her, we went to my aunt’s house… she was too frail and old to travel.  Saw my other cousin, memories galore.  We were at the house I used to live at every summer with my grandmother… wow, was I really an incredibly imaginative young girl who played with no abandon?  Was that fierce creatura’ me?  Yes, she was and still is.  Off to see my grandmother… to the nursing home we went.  I took several deep breathes before I went into the community room.  There she was sitting in her rocking chair, two strokes have left her frailer, tiny and with partial memory loss, combined with the dementia, she looked at me and asked who I was.  I gently told her, she said she didn’t believe it, but after repeatedly and gently telling her stories of ‘us’ … looking directly into her eyes constantly, I saw the love, I did.  I know on a soul level she knew who I was.  She held my hand… I kissed her hand repeatedly. 

She told me how much she loves me.  Tears trickled down my face, as I watched the woman who loved me unconditionally struggle to talk.  I kept repeating over and over again in my mind, grateful, love, grateful, love, thank you, thank you.  We spent the allowed allotted time with her and rolled her into dinner. I left feeling again one with source and love!   We drove around and had a beautiful seafood dinner literally over the Caribbean.  Wow.   I came home watching la Luna the entire trip, knowing that I have come to a place of acceptance, gratitude and learning. 

My arms are thrown wide open embracing this experience with my entire being.  I am hugely grateful and receptive to whatever is coming.  I am LOVE, LIGHT, SOURCE, HEALTHY, GRATEFUL and happy!  

Day 5: Today:  Rest

Day 6:Tomorrow: Beach

YES I am too blessed to be stressed! <3

Choosing Light

I am bent

Crouched down in the muck

Black ooze slides off my skin

And still I won't be stuck

recognize this place

my soul's embers 

keep the darkness at bay

steps I can retrace

wrapped in my souls embrace

Fears lurks at every bend

As I fight to raise my head

I may curl into a ball

Safe from the blows and the woes

I still will not, still will not fall

Exploring the terrain

Examining the shame

Choosing to forgive

release all of the pain

Sounds easy I know

to ego such primal blows

A rejection of protection

And still....

To the light I choose to go.

Something Interesting

When did I expect joy exclusively

Never to experience life's tempestuous whimsy

When did I learn to own the pain

Not just gleaning the lesson, but owning the shame

Our feelings are gifts, our GPS to guide us

Not a rift in time to cower and bind us

When did I expect it to ever be breezy

Birthing my highest me

Contractions are not easy

It's the pulling, the pushing

The writhing in pain

That gives way to love

Universal in name

The twists and the turns

Will at times leave us screaming

But in that precious moment

We truly start seeing

If we can push past the agony

Still breathing, tears streaming

Not dead, still here, tiny flame flickering

We find we are starting to believe in....

Something.

3/1/13 S. Shaharazade

We Can Start Again!

If I am not my emotions

I am not then even my fears

Those are just illusions of rusty padlocks

Trapping my soul deep within here. 

Staring at the pinnacle

Never realized the height

Of all those added steps

The human me, gasped in fright

That seems insurmountable

So impossible to reach

What more does my soul need to learn

What more do I teach

It’s cyclical this journey

Wrought with both pain and joy

Embracing all nuances of our soul

Is the only way not to stay fallen

Loving all that is

Both the darkness and the light

Allows us to be spectators of emotions

And not enslaved to the night

We are created

A beautiful balance

Twas not an accident

Certainly not happenstance

A recipe of the greatest love

Free to make our choices

Free to choose the pain

When we realize it’s all our doing

We can START AGAIN!  

Shanti Shaharazade 2013