Little e < I AM

Shanti: I surrender... I AM. I AM 180, healthy strong , abundant, loved, loving ....

Ego: Your gonna get hurt, listen to me Shanti: I will not judge, I AM love Ego: you've done this before, remember

Shanti: I am perfect health, I will not take medications, I will feel

Ego: Damn, you are going to fall hard, I've saved you before over and over again, I've kept you safe! LISTEN!!

Shanti: I AM love... I LOVE me

Ego: That's not enough, if you just "_________" you can control.........

Shanti: I am God/dess.

Ego: you are buggin

Shanti: I AM success.... I am already there, just waiting for my reality to catch up

Ego: Uh oh she may not need me. (starts causing chaos) LOOK at me!!!!

Shanti: thoughts racing, what if.... (Hearing/feeling ego's panic). Chooses love AGAIN

Ego: Shit, shanti I am trying to save you, this doesn't have to be hard

Shanti: I choose LIFE

Ego: Don't you feel the danger, the panic, the fear..... Told you to listen to me...see now!!! 

Shanti: I am love, this will pass....thank you ego for thinking your saving me! Thank you for protecting me, I respect that you were needed, I/we got this now.

and so it goes... and still I CHOOSE LOVE.  

More about Ego Death at this link:   (only one of many!)

http://www.transpersonal.com.au/mind/ego-death.htm

YOU are here!

I realized today, that “it” has all dropped away.  It is gone.  All illusions of control, security… the straight and narrow path that I had perceived life to be, GONE!  It truly was an illusion.  I GET it now.  I AM standing on a blank map (think MALL location map) empty save for the red dot that says YOU are here.  The compass on the map, yea well it’s spinning.  Through the pain of this re-evolving into my innate self, I am discovering so much about myself and past perceptions of life. 

I woke up this morning, feeling the familiar mix of gratitude, a bit lost, and an undercurrent of anxiety running all through me.  I had now become used to numbing with exercise rather than the old me numbing with food, drama, TV, ‘helping others’, reality shows, more drama, smoking ganja.  Fibromyalgia raised its head.  My pain is not a back problem, it’s a fibro flare-up.    I haven’t had one this severe in a while. During the last flare-up, I used ganja to ease the pain.  I don’t use anything stronger than Motrin or Advil now, by choice. Talk about raw. 

So there I was, I had a plan, and oh what a plan, but last night as I was reading Marianne Williamson’s “Law of Divine Compensation” I read a sentence that traveled into my subconscious with me as Morpheus came to claim me.    “How may I be of service to this world” … yup that sentence shifted me, and my soul.   I woke up this morning LOST, not knowing where the hell I am headed, where the hell I supposed to be… WTF??   I started going through my emails, checking this, checking that, and I found an e-card dated exactly one year and a day before my aunt died.  I had never seen it.  It was a Mother’s day card from 2011…

The pain smashed into me, shattering every illusion of control I had.  Raw, primal, soul wrenching agony, once again WHAM, a realization hit me on top of the pain, THIS IS THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED.  NOT knowing anything at all except where you are right now.  It is here at the crux of the whole excavation process, the digging and rooting through all of the chaos for that nugget of gold, that I find ME. Apparently I am in the contraction throes for the birth of a pistol star.

(Esmerelda~~Lisa Steinke)

I tried to contain the maelstrom of tremendous sorrow I was feeling and started to get ready to do my five miles, when I just couldn't hold it back anymore.  I kind of sobbed my way down the stairs and cried my soul out on a loved one’s shoulder.  I couldn't speak, I couldn't think, all I could do was BE, a mass of swirling, primordial pain. I sat in the huge leather recliner and drew my knees up to my chest, heaving and sobbing.  I understood now about the extreme grief my aunt had been dealing with losing my uncle, her brother/best friend AND my grandmother, her mom.  WOW, I never GOT it until today.  No wonder she had told me that she had to go first, she wouldn't be able to live through my death.  I get it now.  I cried and told her I was sorry I never understood what she was dealing with, in addition to all of her physical pain. 

My first inclination was to reach out and ground myself with some illusions of control over things I cannot control.  Not happening, my soul does not want the bullshit anymore.  I wept for the good part of an hour.  Cried myself back to calm, through the panic and SURRENDER, I bawled, sobbed, sniffled myself into the epiphany… that this is PROGRESS.  (blink blink) Progress… yes, I am more ‘real’ than I have ever been before.  I am stronger than I’ve ever been before.  I SURRENDER and RELEASE my soul to the process.  

I didn't need to drag anyone with me on the trip through hell or fall prey to old intoxicants to get through it.  I FELT IT ALL, and didn't overeat. Umm actually I might have tripped the opposite switch now.  When stressed I’M NOT HUNGRY at all, almost nauseous … that’s NEW wtf?? Okay … changes.  I know I have put it out there to God/Goddess/Source.  HOW can I BE OF SERVICE to this world???

So I’m on a crystal bridge (think Indiana Jones putting one foot in front of another TRUSTING that there is a bridge there)… I can’t see anything in front of me.  I’m okay with that.  I am still putting one foot in front of the other.  Tonight we celebrated my grandson’s 7^th birthday… loud and proud at an IHOP <his favorite place>. A panic attack threatened me as I was leaving the house on my way to meet my rugrats and I told it…  listen, you do what you have to do cuz I’m going.

I had an amazing time. 

Will it hurt like this morning again… yup, probably, if not I am grateful, if so I am grateful. My spirit is being catapulted into greatness, and I am quite comfortable giving birth to a star, knowing that I am in the chaos for a reason, and the reason is ME.

I am here… you are here.  Here is what we have.  I’m kewl with it, one step at a time. 

Lisa of http://www.lisasteinkeart.com/ posted this today in a wonderful, inspirational group that I’m a part of.  I thought it succinctly described exactly how I feel on this part of the road.  “Esmerelda is an example of discipline, detail, focus, consistency, and risk all mixed up together. She is a metaphor for letting go while staying focused and pressing forward.”  Wow.  HOW PERFECT IS THAT????  Exactly!!!  I am here!  

Amazing Grace/Growth (written 3/14/2010)

I did know it was time to take this journey to a new level and I was 
correct.  My spirit has been summoned to shine, and shine it must.  No more free downloads, no more watching free movies (streaming bootleg) on the internet.  It is time to budget and take care of all past debts to the best of my ability; it is time to be authentic in all areas of my life. 

Stephen asked me with a tinge of snideness in his voice, which I 

chose not to address because he can feel what he wants to feel… “What made you become such a goody goody?”   I was almost 

offended….   A goody goody to me has always been somewhat of an insult.   I am known as a rebel… my dad said to me on the phone on Saturday.   To me now a rebel means dancing to the beat of my own drummer, which includes not having to do what everyone else does.  I just want to clean my spiritual house.  How can I build 

greatness on top of a wobbly foundation?  No, I prefer doing the 

work and building it correctly, and durably.

Years ago, while I was a practicing devout Christian, I followed allof the rules in fear of the repercussions of hell.  I was trying my 

best to live as Jesus did, honestly and truly, no secular music, no 

secular television, no cursing, church every time the doors were 

opened, praying on my knees constantly, asking for forgiveness forthinking ‘sinful’ things.  I went along with everything I was taught  despite my inner twinge of..  examine this more closely, Shanti.. 

there is something wrong with these principles.. (FOR ME)

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no 

matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." – Buddha.   So very true… and I realize 

that the changes I am making have to do with ME feeling deeply 

within my soul that they are correct for the spiritual journey I 

want my life to be, not because I am fearful of some fiery lake of 

burning sulfur.   My Source/Goddess/God…by whatever 
you prefer your Great Spirit is not vengeful, not jealous, not 

judging me… my Source loves me and entrusts me with my personal mission.  I AM that special soul I believed myself to be whilst I 

was a child.  I am full of power and strength, I AM soft and tender. I am amazing, and my job is to be AMAZING AND SHINE, thereby lighting other’s flames and that is what I will do!

I feel FREE, of the restraints of society, free to dance to that 

crazy dynamic fiery beat within my soul.  I feel free to dress my 

ever diminishing plus sized bodacious body in whatever I want too,I feel liberated embracing my new (XMEN’S) Storm streaked hair and I am beautiful, I am Source…     I am.

I am supremely grateful for every gift… every lesson….every 

struggle that has made me… .me.

Amazing Growth!

I Remember Courage!!

I used to have a skewed perception as to what courage was.  I have found shimmery, shining threads of bright light through the now grey, not still black of my tunnel.  The threads pulse with power and emanate from my soul.  At first it is difficult to discern the origin of this powerful essence, until I realize it is indeed my own spirit pulsating with this newly remembered power.  

I am aware of all of my thoughts, feelings and reactions.  My choices are clear as is the motivating forces behind them.  I am gentle with myself as I work minute to minute retraining my mind, the way I CHOOSE to be in the now!  I am responsible for my choices, and I choose NOT to numb in any way. This evening I watched the most recent episode of a new show, “Banshee” on Showtime.  I love the show; basically the premise is of a thief who among other stolen items has now stolen the identity of a police chief.  There was an explicit rape scene that quite frankly brought tears to my eyes and a few flashbacks… I cringed and then watched as that thief/police chief defended her honor in an unscheduled steel cage match with a prize fighter… my only thought as my mouth hung open was … ‘where was he when I needed him’ and AS quickly as the thought (old programming) popped into my head, my new ‘chosen’ programming kicked in and responded, you are your own sHero, Shanti.

     Wow.  Yup, I loved myself right through the flashback and reclaimed my power, in that moment I truly understood what ‘courage’ means to me; I did NOT resort to numbing in anyway, no food, alcohol, anti-anxieties, sex etc.  It is with steel ovaries that I was able to feel what I felt, express it the way I WANT too and NOT give a shit what anyone thinks of me, walking MYSELF through it without NEEDING to be rescued.  I got this.  I got me.  I am a brand new me.  Courage is not faking it so that you fit in, ignoring how you feel to appear bad ass.  It is BAD ass to be who the hell you are, and stand proud, despite the looks, glances, naysayers, doubters… so???

     Our emotions are our spiritual guidance system.  They guide us to locate the issue needing attention within.  If we choose not to ‘feel’ it because we perceive emotions to be a weakness, we may be ignoring very important signals from our own soul that show us where we need work, love, acceptance, patience etc.  As I reset the kaleidoscope with which I viewed the world, I began to see that we are innately courageous beings, we feel what we feel when we feel it, and that’s just perfectly fine.  I cried when I saw that scene tonight, I cried hard, deeply, I felt what I felt and that is perfectly courageous of me. 

     I am exactly where I need to be, doing and being exactly what I need to do and courage is now a part of me well remembered.  

You can always say you're following your passion

I try to live my life where I end up at a point where I have no regrets. So I try to choose the road that I have the most passion on because then you can never really blame yourself for making the wrong choices. You can always say you're following your passion. ~Darren Aronofsky 

I look back down the long winding road that is my life.  I glance at all the useless blame I’ve doled out over the years; it was definitely much easier to have someone to be angry at. Laying the culpability at the feet of another freed me up to nurture massive amounts of self-pity.  Self-pity allowed me to feel sorry for all that I had endured.  Was my journey easy, by no means, in truth however; it was the results of CHOICES that I had made.  Yes, my life was difficult growing up, in many ways.  Do I BLAME my parents for doing what they knew, no.  I understand now, how difficult it is to lead others while in excruciating pain.  Unfortunately as human beings one of our learned propensities is to take our pain out on others, thereby ‘lessoning’ it in ourselves.  Pfft, ‘Whipping boy syndrome’. 

I walked over to the long, antique mirror that stood near the open arches, the long voluminous tapestries dancing with the gentle wind.   I looked deeply into my own reflection, seeing clearly, realizing that every decision had to be made exactly the way it had been in order for me to be exactly where I am.  I can see the laugh lines, the tiny, almost imperceptible wrinkles that are gracing my face and my neck.  I see Source in my eyes.  I see the passion and fire in my eyes, and can feel the Goddess rising in me. My hair dances with the breeze as I feel universal primal awareness course all over my skin, hairs standing up on my arms in response to Source’s energy. I am in alignment, I recognize myself as the potent, primal being that I truly am, a spiritual being having a human experience. ‘Already complete, no need for fear, anticipating trouble not already here’.  I inhale pure light, the iridescence permeating my entire being, traveling like liquid gold all through my body and chakras.    I see myself; I feel my health, my shining heart, my confidence, working with young women, being purely authentic, joyful, of service, writing for the sheer joy of it and I know that in some alternate universe (google: M theory) I am already the best version of myself, so in truth I own it, I am already there.  

One of the most difficult and yet freeing concepts on this road of authenticity is that there is no one to blame, no-one.  We, as humans make choices constantly, yup there are repercussions for each and every one. Things may not be ‘fair’ and usually aren't however I truly believe it is not what happens in life but what you do with what happens that matters.  I used to be so pissed that things were as difficult as they ‘seemed’ to be.  I fought the lessons with every fiber of my being and that is what made it difficult.  I had lessons to learn and growth to be had.  I chose to come down to this gorgeous planet/spaceship (by another name shall smell as sweet --Shakespeare) and chose to be a part of this experience.  I was born to the family I was born into for a reason, I surrender to everything that has happened and am grateful.  I am now grateful and shaping what is by knowing I am worthy of the best, we all are.  We came here to BE JOYFUL.  Think of what truly brings you joy and as long as you follow that feeling, that is a life of authenticity.  Because we have been molded by society into ignoring our emotions, talking ourselves out of ignoring our feelings, to bury and numb them, instead of learning from them.  I have never believed that hate was the opposite of love. I knew fear was, simply because fear begets hate. 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”~~Marianne Williamson .   

I have long pondered this quote and know it to be true, that is why many of us have achieved short periods of authenticity but when it became too uncomfortable, we then numbed (drugs, alcohol, sex, gossip, drama, jealousy, etc.) and reverted to the ‘easy road’ where conformity reigns.  “Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ~ Steve Jobs

I’m proud and passionate about being a misfit, and a round peg in NO hole.  I am kicking the box, standing up in innate, Goddess/phoenix energy, owning everything I do in the present  (what is in the past is accepted, learned from, honored, forgiven and put away) because the present is where I live now. NO blame to anyone, I own me, to blame others is to suggest that they have the power to change who you quintessentially are, that is giving them power, your POWER… umm no thank you, I think I’ll take that back, thank you for babysitting it.  LOL I’d rather own it, forgive myself and move the hell on.  It is not always easy to do, but honestly it does get easier with each try.  I have a very tiny delay now before an disempowered thought back to alignment. ‘I’ve got to admit, it’s getting better all the time’…

Onward and upward… (picking up the golden, radiant, shimmering pieces of power left over from reclaiming)

One step at a time, hand in hand… on the edge!  

The Pangs of Rebirth

I am on the road less traveled, stepping out of my comfort zone in many ways, functioning at an ebb and flow, riding the waves of soul and ego crescendo’s.  My soul is growing and so the waves last so much longer, I am grateful to realize.  I realize in truth that no-one is coming to save me; I am wearing my armor proudly and am my own champion.   Being authentic and myself, means invariably not suiting someone’s idea of me (smiles).  I now have developed my own image of self, and am wearing her regally. 

I seem to fall prey to erring on the side where I start caring how my words will be interpreted and have learned to refocus quickly on making sure it is all from a place of love and letting it fall where it may.  Cutting the ties of attachment was not as easy a task as I thought it would be.  It is definitely the road less traveled, aptly named, for good reason.   

I've realized that when I was resonating on a much lower level, I would misconstrue those who functioned at a predominantly higher level as being distant, uncaring and arrogant, I truly do get it.  Life is such an evolutionary process, you learn, feel slightly sheepish (at least I do), forgive yourself, shrug and KEEP going, tucking the ‘level’s completion flag firmly under arm with a grateful and satisfied smile on one’s face.  

(Disclaimer: having the completion flag does not guarantee that a spirit may not have to revisit said level for refresher course, just that said spirit will not have to reside there for long periods of time again, usually once refreshed it only takes one short bursts of experience to realize that this is not desired re-experience.

One must discern the ‘feeling’ of placing a boundary from the ‘feeling’ of wanting to control another.  Relinquishing control entirely is not an easy process, at least for me.  There seem to come  short experiences where I think, but that’s not nice, or not right, not what I would do, or not how ‘you’ should be’ to shortly thereafter realize, that’s NOT my business.  Truly not my business because if it does not pertain to me, do what makes you happy, as long as it does not hurt me or others in any way, have at it. See I caught that already.. if it does not hurt me or others.  Well, I can control who is in my proximity and who may hurt me, but can I stop others from hurting each other.  

Voila, I’ve written myself to the crux of my dilemma.   I can handle an injustice to me, pffft, that level I had to pass a few times but collected enough completion flags that I do NOT stay there for more than a nanosecond, if ever. Those angels got murdered.  I won’t focus on the gun’man’ or gun boy whatever; I want to focus on the babies.  The fact of the matter is our countries can pass WHATEVER laws they want too, those who truly want guns will get them, there is no way to absolutely control anyone or anything.  Who really wants to delve into the illegal importing and exporting of illegal substances, weapons etc.  This situation is lifetimes old.  We cannot control anyone but self.  Religions, governments, parents, teachers and the majority of the human race strive to ‘control’ someone or something; children, animals, religion, law, life, death, even the splicing together of different species to further commercialize the food industry in the name of what, the end of world hunger?  Really? 

I think that’s what scares me the most and set’s me off in these times of tragedy is how vulnerable a human being really is.  We cannot control who leaves, stays, loves, respects, helps, contributes, is honest, loyal, sweet, kind, helpful, creative, honest, loving, caring, reciprocal, except ourselves.  If the world were really to ‘end’ (and it’s not my personal opinion that it will) there is a not a damn thing we could do about it.  

Hmmmmm there went that illusion of security eh??? I think that is where the strength is, hidden inside the shell of vulnerability and we don’t think to look there, because when we realize what we do have control over, the rest of the clay crumbles away leaving powerful and sweetly vulnerable iridescence in its wake.

I am there, standing on a majestic, open mountain top facing the uncertainties of existence, reveling in the maelstrom of emotions rushing through my body as I welcome and am in awe of the primal energies that course through my soul.  I am there, toes half off the tip of the mountain, sure in the knowledge that I have wings on my back, not sure if they will work as I take the step off the edge.  The wind shakes me to and fro, promising to end the debate that my soul and human mind have over the challenge.  

You know that feeling, the strong orgasmic rush that is almost too pleasurable to bear, and just a wee bit scary in its intensity, yup that one; however this is that feeling in my soul.  The knowledge that I can never turn back; it was a permanent choice my heart made. 

This is my beginning, my rebirth… 

Surrender

So, we are on the cusp of the opening of the doorway, the pathway to ascension.  What does that mean TO me exactly… It means that whether or not 2012 is ending and the big day 12/21 is approaching, I FEEL different. I would think I had gone bat shit crazy.  So hmmm the hippies talked about this in the sixties, it is the Age of Aquarius, the harbinger of a new age on this planet, I say Gaia needs a new age, because obviously the one we just left was not working too well for our mother earth, and whilst I am grateful for it, I am grateful to see it go.  I’m so happy that I know in my heart of hearts that there are more conscious ‘hearts’ on the planet than ever before, and I am ready (with bells on) to be of service. 

I have been hard at work, reprogramming myself to be as I WANT me, not as I was trained to be.  NO blame on anyone. It was and is what it is.  I am in control of me and I happen to believe I chose this path for the higher good and education of my soul.  I am going to have a talk with ME when I cross over, that’s for damn sure talk about over performance!! PFFFT!  Yet I am so grateful, for this road as tumultuous as it has been, as raw and bloody as my heart has sometimes felt, because I survived, and not only did I survive but my soul flourishes and I can even say that after this last week of my spirit being pulled to and fro.  Enlightened being, imperfect human, enlightened being, imperfect human until today, WHAM I got it… I am both, and it’s OKAY to be both.  I am a SPIRITUAL being having human experience, and that too is okay.  100% of the time is not going to be roses and sunshine, it is however the cloudy days that remind us to be grateful for the sunshine. 

I was meditating at the Lake, and kind of leaped (lept??) off the picnic table where I had been sitting, “Indian Style” legs crossed, contemplating the ripples of the water that are such an analogy for the ripple effects of our every action… and as I came down, I heard CRACK, CRACK, CRUNCH from my left hip, I said to myself, are you shitting me??? Really?? 

Okay straight to the ER, where the doctor rotated my hip.  OUCH, ya would think after giving birth to three children, I’d grow a set of ovaries when it comes to pain, but NOPE, OUCH damnit.  All those tattoos and ya still can’t take the pain.  NOPE… OUCH.  Ya mean I had the stomach flu for a week, now I gotta stay offa the leg AGAIN, and I just lost 92lbs??? REALLY, ya gotta be shitting me, so the doc comes in with the GOOD news, ya didn’t break anything and your bones are beautiful.  Ummmm thank you, how soon can I run?? Well see that’s the thing, here is a set of crutches, stay offa it for at least a week or two.  BLINK BLINK.  WTF??? REALLY, but I’m a good girl, doing GOOD THINGS.. really I’m an elf … BLINK BLINK.  Pity party 101 kicked in, no working out..but I have too, I HAVE TOO.  So here I am two days later and PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT going out of my mind with the NEED to work out, to dance, to shimmy and shake, and to top it off there is all this universal energy surging in my body.  I wanna dance primally under the moonlight.  I want to, wait, I gotta take my crutches.  Oh jeezalou. 

So I have had enough of my own pity party, I don’t appreciate Shanti when she is frustrated.  Nope, so onward and upward, I’ve got a plan (rubbing hands together) adapt and overcome… time to get the yoga mat out (like universe has been hinting now for months), regular tiny meals every three hours, LOTSA water, regular meditation, HONORING my own body; not just expecting it to perform without being honored and loved.  Realize it is DEFINITELY not about the destination and every bit about the journey.   Calling my primary tomorrow and getting my referral to an orthopedist, AND cking out the Y, their pool and Jacuzzi, also found some strengthening exercises for bursitis of the hip, and well it’s on.  Nothing can keep a Goddess down, well cept maybe a sexy GOD.  <grins>

This is what I know for sure as we walk hand in hand into this new world.

I am a being of light and will honor myself as such.

I let go of all anger, and desire to control anyone but myself.

I have purged all the crap out and now can start brand new

I am all about reinvention and am ready for the task at hand

Went on volunteer.org today to MAKE manifest my willingness to serve. 

I love, am love, will love---every road leads to love cept those that lead to the shadows.

And STILL I RISE. 

Watch a goddess on fyah!!

****I surrender to the universe for my highest good and that of the planet!! I surrender! Pfft!!! <3

Me-- Raw and UNapologetic!

Shanti – RAW!

Disclaimer: If you have delicate sensibilities you may not want to read this or perhaps it is meant for you too, and then if needs be walk through the loving door at the right marked exit. 

I contemplated going through my friends list and making cuts if necessary; however thought this would do the job succinctly.  Just going to put ‘me’ out there, with a BAM!!  I would call it a mission statement but it is not one, it is ME, Raw.  A RAMBLE, a rant, free writing, no filter, open and unapologetic! 

I am 45 years old and have been around the block a few times, leaving grooves in the pavement.  I am proud to be 45 and know that I am perfectly imperfect.  If I don’t make at least five mistakes a day, I check for a pulse.  I have made many ‘mistakes’ in life and OWN THEM ALL.  I do not blame anyone else for anything.  I look in the mirror and own my damn choices.  I will not dim light for anyone. 

Please add the word “too” to every word listed:  funny, loud, sensitive, loving, clean, determined, giving, strong, powerful, twisted, raw, sexual, primal, free, educated, thought provoking, loud (yep had to add that 2x), raw, unabashed, opinionated, SEXY, vibrant, colorful, verbal, wild, blatant, honest, emotional, witchy, spiritual, crazy (I keep coming back and adding to the list) lol, sensual.

And I’m NOT sorry… just saying that makes me laugh with happiness.  I did not just ‘find’ my sexiness cuz I’ve lost almost a 100 pds.  I’VE BEEN SEXY, when I was at my highest weight.. (350) I still danced, albeit for shorter periods of time…. Lol.

I used to care about labels, thank God/dess not anymore.  You don’t believe in me… that’s acceptable, you don’t have too.  I believe in me enough for the universe; I do NOT need, I want.  If I want, I own it, embrace it, claim it and call it mine.  My prayers are not asking but THANKING IN ADVANCE…owning it, knowing it’s already mine!  

Do I believe in God, yes, Goddess, yes, Jesus, that he was an enlightened spirit…the son of man sent here to die for us.. nope.., my God/dess wouldn't do that to his/her son.  I … yes, I, speaking only for self, believe religion is about control and true spirituality is about connection to self and source.  I believe Jesus was married (history supports this) and had MASSIVE sex with MM. I’d like to think so. 

I honor all religions and choices (honestly cept for bad driving ones.. URGH)  OMG… and I can’t stop feeling up my own muscles.. lmao I did it at least three times in the last hour.

 

Ohhhkay I LOVE SEX.. yup you heard it… I LOVE SEX.  Did she just.. yup.  I have the libido of a 18 year old young man and ALWAYS have, no it’s not the change although that might be coming for me … lol  I have always ALWAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS NEVER had that kind of headache.  I have makeup, boot and tatts fetishes.  I love primal sensuality and embrace the fire goddess within.  I want to make love to my mate under a full moon, rolling in the leaves. 

I believe in love, in light, in passion, in goodness, in creativity, in personal space, choices, boundaries, fae, earth, universe, (damn I smell good…what  frackin perfume do I have on) lol, creativity, truth, equality, and COMPROMISE… I agree to disagree and to keep loving whether one is in my life or not.  I do not like hard rap, metal or old school country..there are exceptions.. yeah I rock out at Patsy Cline and love the “bugle boy” from the Andrew sistahs.  I purposely misspell words and use ellipses like a flu patient goes through tissues. 

I like sex and candy <lol> both the song and the words, although not much of a candy person WELL not at all.  I used to have salt thing but weaned that offa my life and waist.  I may decide to get the skin removal surgery at some point, I may not.  I may choose to leave my damn neck alone and stop with the anti-aging crèmes that gave me a rash much worse than any wrinkle there.. lmao

oh wait.. I will use candy if in a hmmmm intimate way.. lmao YEAH I went there.  I love Eminem’s music <most of it> and Tupac was FRACKIN amazing, really deep soul there.  I am also sick about classic rock.. whut whut…what you know about Black Magic Woman by Santana and Hotel California by the Eagles … two theme songs from my life.  I do not like the song achy frackin bracky heart and am not a fan of mullets. 

My hemlines are shrinking with my waistline and WHAT THE F* DOES age appropriate clothing mean to me…whatever the frack resonates with me!!! 
I miss my aunt and I’m still in mourning… six months and 21 days and STILL in mourning… might be in mourning for YEARS I don’t care.  I own it. 

I unequivocally love my children JUST THE WAY THEY ARE.  They don’t have to be anyone’s version of successful cept their own…who the hell am I to judge that for them???? Pfft!  I tell them when I see them resonating in what I CONSIDER dumb ass energy and leave them to do their own thing.  My oldest has me saved on her phone as Satan and I find it fracking HILarious since when she is in the store her iPhone announces, “Satan is calling” .. I told her not to change it.. people’s faces must be PRICELESS!!!

I don’t find Seinfeld funny… and adore I love Lucy, the honeymooners and well the frackin Flintstones..  I am not really big into TV anymore, rather spend my energy writing, dancing, singing, or yes GOD/dess having sex.. Lmao …

I DETEST automated phone systems.. DEEEEETEST and curse them quite colorfully on the regular.  Have an extensive vocabulary and choose to say the word FUCK whenever not in the company of wee one’s and elders.  I honor my elders and our young ones; they BOTH have much to teach us

I REVERE personal hygiene and scrunch my nose at funk.  I’ll love you anyway FROM FAR away…can’t help the gag reflex contrary to a one of my puppy’s belief.. lol

I am less and less judgmental everyday… hey massively so.. PROGRESS!! YAY… and truly honor everyone’s choices… I retrain my brain every damn minute!! I work out six days a week.. moving to five days this week..same 30 miles tho.  Was just feeling up my shoulders again…

So there ya have me in nutshell.  I am honorable, loyal and not promiscuous since I was 17 years old <runaway>.  I will pick up a sword and fight back to back with any loved one <if really necessary…thinking a global zombie attack or whatnot>

I love everyone… and am not afraid to show it, I dance in the shower and finding lotioning and potioning to be  sensual experience.  Life is a sensual experience to me.

Now… ah ha!! If you found yourself offended, put out, in anyway
please, take love and light as you make your way to the blinking exit sign OVER there -------------------------------->

take one lei and all that it represents, and I WILL love you from afar!!!

Pfffffffffffft! Lol

Throwing hands up in goddess position.. yeah this is ME RAW! UNAPOLOGETIC AND ON FIRE!

A New Dance

There are dances we are locked in

Our bodies adjusted to move

Learned by repetition and rote

Oh how painful the news

We cooperate with this dance?

Denial is the clue

Looking inside,

Excavation we must do

Why does this serve me

If it causes so much pain

Why do I stay,

For me what is the gain

Fear paralyzes our movement

Leaving us to the dance

That we’ve bled from before

Robbing us of our chance

Instead of a dip

We must learn to fly

Forgetting the fear

Keeping us locked up inside

Yes you will hurt

And feel all alone

Dancing solo

Not the show you have known

No pity, no blame

No guilt and no shame

Owning your choices

Wild spirits can’t be tamed

So learn the new steps

Your own powerful routine

Let go of resentment

Your soul light and clean

Spinning around

Disregard for the rest

Let your spirit fly free

Tangoing  your best

You remember your passion

Your love and your light

Reveling in the pleasure

That burns deeply inside

Everything is new

Your heart open wide

Some things might hurt

but there is a star inside!