soulFIRE!

I personally do not believe in coincidences.  Not anymore, not at all.  I see beauty everywhere, literally, found a feather after working out today with my little sister, and just stared in awe at my discovery.  When you believe in miracles, you find, see and get them.  Making room in one’s life for positive energy is a necessary part of the process on the road to what Jeff Brown calls enREALment. 

http://soulshaping.com

Yesterday, RIGHT after having a conversation with one of my siSTAR’s about the symbolism of moths, one solitary moth entered the house with my son, flew past him and T, bypassed my veggies on the stove and just sat there.   Of course there is a story behind why that is uber amazing however; this would turn into a book <smiles>  

Connecting with my little sister again is a miracle in and of itself.  I got her in the divorce  :p, she is worth a million times her weight in alimony.  What a brilliant shining light she is, but I’ve always known that.  We have not seen each other since her daughter; my 9 year old niece just began walking.  Perfect work-out pardner (yup I spelt that way on purpose… ), dedicated, loving, funny, just straight up choosing to be authentic, wonderful young women.  We spend at least ½ hr.(total)n laughing… (we did NOT laugh much on the elliptical today.. ouch) made up for it on the treadmill during circuit training.

Another siSTAR, Lycania Leaena Luna of http://lightbodyactivation.net 

posed this question yesterday, “What were the games you played as a child, ya know the kind when no one was looking and you were alone in your rooms with only your imagination and toys at hand?”  

My first response was: “I was a mystical belly dancer with my mom’s authentic mantillas.....lol”.  Today, however; I remembered more.  I typed, “Lol I had VERY long hair so I did Princess Leia, ISIS, and Wonder Woman...I was convinced I was a lost babe born of the amazon warriors.” to which she typed back, “awesome Shanti! you must've been so adorable! a wee little priestess warrior in service to source!!! xo keep awakening to that darling and in so doing you honor that part of self that is authentically you”.

At first my soul just glowed, and then I realized in a bit of awakened astonishment, that most of my childhood pre the runaway years (11-17) when alone were with arms wide open to GOD/dess, Source <etc.> How did I forget that?  I remember the Catholicism aspect, because a greater part of it scared the beejeebers out of me, but how did I forget what my soul knew then? 

I remember twirling around with my hair streaming down, doing the Isis <Shazam/Isis> hour, listening to her talk about the goddess.  There was no way that this siSTAR knew that what she said was going to spark memories so precious and forgotten.  Dancing many different dances, mantillas wrapped around my shoulders… longing for castanets. 

I bought into ‘the story’ … I bought into FITTING in, into average, mediocre, repetitious and part of the crowd so I could blend ‘story’. I sit now here shaking my head in disbelief and wonder.  I went on a quest to MAKE myself lovable <I already was>, to PROVE I was worthy <always have been>, to heal those around me believing that I was the cause of the rifts <never had to do with me>, choosing to give away every ounce of the light in me to prove I was good enough… I have always been good enough… whooo hoooo. 

I saw the light in me today and I blushed… lol I am a beautiful expression of the divine, we all are.   

Yup I do love everyone .. 

 yup the “good, bad, gorgeous, sad, big, small, straight, crooked, pretty, ugly, average ” , (labels.. pfft.) Even Shakespeare knew, “by any name shall smell as sweet” we choose our definition by training to the word.  I’m in control of my NOW. … We are all expressions of the light, we just choose in the now and that is freaking magnificent.  Imma feed that momentum!   <smiling bright like a diamond >

So thank you for adding to the magnificence of my  ‘in love with the NOW’ choices and experiences.  I get it all NOW.  Living with love, authenticity, kindness, compassion, purpose, gratitude and forgiveness in the NOW makes life JUICY.

** I came home today to love in a package.  It’s the heart gifts you do not expect that mean the most, I swear.  It was so lovingly packed, the love with which it was sent was palpable.  I sniffed the packing envelope before I walked in the house… heather??  Wow.  My cup does indeed truly run over.

I find myself a rich woman.  Rich in every way; blessings, wisdom, humanity, an amazing universal family: perfect imperfection.  I know now to run with this momentum… so onward and upward.  I have horses to ride, gardens to tend, dreams to make manifest, young people to love, my inner terrain to enrich…  I understand the juicy, primal succulence of a life fully lived and I’M JUST ON the journey haven’t reached ‘destinations’  (life is ABOUT the journey) ….

http://www.etsy.com/shop/LisaSteinkeArt

Thank you Lisa for helping be a huge catalyst for this leg of the journey!!! Your art and spirit ROCK!

Of course, thank you Crystal for the tools!!! Badassery indeed!

Badassery I tell you!   

Rawwwwwwwrrrr!!!!!

"I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake your ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter,

dancing through the fire

Cause I am a champion and

You're gonna hear me ROAR

Louder, louder than a lion

Cause I am a champion and

You're gonna hear me ROAR

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You're gonna hear me roar

Now I'm floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero"

 Katy Perry - Roar Lyrics

[Chorus]

I am so freaking grateful, yup there’s that word again because I have yet to discover a synonym gratitude that is even close to expressive enough for my level of emotion… grateful my shoulder is so much better than last week.  Very scary shit, being out of commission, my brain automatically thought hmmm fibro, had/have osteo in the knees and shoulders… rheumatoid arthritis?  As soon  as my thoughts headed off in that direction, I thought  nu uh, this is a midterm <in the school of life> okay time to learn… let me start digging in the pain … hurt badly, my inked, pierced, fibro.. ‘used to the pain’,  *chica*self that I thought I was,   yeah okay.. pfft.

That night I met the limits of my pain threshold, shed love it’s exact dimensions and moved on wide open from the pain.   In bed, I watched  “The Blue Butterfly” while gulping down antinflammatory’s <Advil>, tears rolling outta my eyes, down my face, big ole fat tears, too… callin on Jesus, Mary, Kali, Allah, Jehovah, Source, etc… (yup, sure did) trying to accept this pain as part of the experience, not necessarily a bad thing.   I mean who defines my experience but ME?  I am the author of my story, the captain of my ship, so I decided pain was not bad it was just energy with a story…

I flipped on the TV, since its DISH, if one sneezes, one loses reception.  Went on Facebook for a while getting reinspired,…DISH catches the signal and there is Teen Moms 3, the remote was out of reach .. sounds ridiculous, I know but my right shoulder felt the way Mel Gibson’s shoulder looked in the movie Lethal Weapon.  Then I remembered I had other physical strengths, then utilizing my core and hammies.  WHO KNEW?? Blessing after blessing..

 First scene:  A teenage Latina telling her mom she wasn’t ready to do this alone, tears pouring from her eyes. That was all it took for my soul to tap me on the brain/heart and say  ’you there,  who sometimes thinks,  you’re not doing shit… look how far you've come from a 19+ year old trying single-handedly to fix the(your three) children’s father, change into a pleasing daughter, wife, reformed ‘tough girl’ (with the mushy heart) and then a ‘tract’ carrying, scripture memorizing, NON swearing <yeah I know>, no watching TV, long skirt wearing born again Christian (I have a picture, lol), still in inner turmoil and fighting hard to stay my arse out of the abyss that was ME, spinning plates,  balancing  the tightrope act.  I started out a confused, non-social comfortable, ostracized, martyr complex, catholic school girl, misunderstood (square peg) child in the freakin family,  and school.  Add that to braces, dark skin, knee length hair and for Ridgewood Queens in those years… + glasses & dysfunction, depressed misfit to a self-loving, MISTAKING MAKING, source receiving, co-creating, spirit evolving, RISING GODDESS, learning how to love herself unapologetically, vulnerable, proud, primal, wild woman remembering, choice owning… <ya get the point right> exhales. GIFTS GALORE in that pain.

So there I was … (laughs) gotta laugh!!!!  There I was… uberally (yes, that’s MY word) grateful, hugely appreciative of every nuance of my life… and….

Yup .. the clay around this golden Bodhisattva cracked wide open.  There, in plain view, was that which I’d spent my entire life running from.  Ignoring my intuitive red arrows, numbing and voguing facades until I was grateful for the ENTIRE journey, NO SHAME no blame.

Wham! I cracked open … found out that it truly was the fear of FEAR that kept me stuck.  WOW.  The freaking realization was less traumatizing than the low resonating prison I had reinforced with layers of excuses as to why I should not listen to my intuition, which was ‘reliable’ all along.  The gift is not that I was ‘right’ … it is that I ‘remember’ I can trust myself… I am worthy; we are co-creators, ‘six billion expressions of divine’.

One has to believe in miracles to see the miracles…  I BELIEVE we already perfect.  We are not here to be perfect, we are already divine… we are here to be HUMAN… pfft and yanno what that means right???

Perfectly IMPERFECT AS IS. 

Breaking Chains~~A Shanti Shaharazade Production

Originally written: November 18, 2012 at 8:22pm

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I think perhaps more than I breathe.  My mind works on issues, solutions, problems as quickly as child geniuses used to solve the ‘Rubik’s Cube’.  So, I was thinking, what if I am not privy to the whole story behind the dysfunction of the women in my family.  My matriarchal lineage, because as I look at my cousins, examine the behavior of my aunt’s, the animosity displayed clearly to each other without reservations or explanations, I realized there had to be more to this story.  So as a great archeologist, such well as Indiana Jones would do I began to look for clues.  Context clues led me to a few hypotheses about the life that my ancestors had in Guyana that may have shaped their sadness and desperation. 

"Coolie Gyal" notice the Indian 'gear'

Oh wait, damn, yes I had judged them and thought they were OUT of their minds.  What the hell could have possibly happened to justify the madness running rampant amongst the women in my mother’s family? Then the pieces of the puzzle started coming together, long before I had hard facts.  Watching and observing teaches us the most poignant of lessons.  Their dynamic in relationships was telling; self-doubts, guilt, subservient passive aggressive behaviors, low self-esteem, jealousy and dissent. 

I too carried that legacy of shame and guilt until I took a step back to discover why..

This is what I unearthed. 

In 1838, indentureship was the profitable way to ensure that the crops were tended too by the seemingly docile Indian peasants that were encouraged and sold a dream, to go to Guyana to work the crops for a contract of a specific amount of years and were promised passage there and back.  That was not always the case, more times than not they would have to extend their contracts, and not be able to return to India, to their wives and in some cases children.  To appease the workers, the overseers contracted and brought over Indian women.  They were not thrilled about coming, but their parents wanting better for their daughters than the meager existence in Calcutta, sent them off, hopefully not realizing what would happen to their young women in Guyana. 

There was a shortage of ‘Coolie’ Gyals in Guyana and they were VERY young.  They started marrying them off at 11 years of age, to 40-50 year old intolerant men, who would chomp at the bit wondering who was staring at this pretty wife and assuming she was carrying on affairs with the overseers or the Afro-Guyanese.  Of course the Indian men couldn’t retaliate against the plantation owners or the overseers, so who reaped the brunt of his own discontent?? Yes, the little 11 year old, the young women who had NO idea which way to go.  There was no escape.  The ‘master’s, overseers, Indo-Guyanese and Afro-Guyanese all had their way with the Coolie Gyals <term used="" for="" indo-guyanese="" girls="" and="" women="">  Coolie being a quasi-derogatory term for indentured servants. </term>

Proud to be! <3

The level of abuse aimed at the “Coolie Gyals” was intense and horrific.  I didn’t know.  I had always watched my ‘elders’ with a mixture of frustration, sadness and anger.  I never understood what made them act hateful, spiteful, sometimes jealous of each other, and uber depressed.  In retrospect, I get it, I understand why my older aunt who passed away four days after my partner in crime/aunt died, was so bitter and honestly mean.  Aunt Anna was born in 1909 in the midst of the matriarchal massacre that was occurring on this tiny coastal country, they were so far away from “home” with no-one to protect them.  The women truly felt that they did not deserve ‘rights’.    How sad, how terribly soul wounding, it makes so much sense now in retrospect after a half of life observing their dysfunctional behavior that the majority of them didn’t even realize was dysfunctional.  Eleven year olds sold to fifty year old men for marriage, raped, tortured, molested, beat, dismembered, accused, slandered and ashamed!

My grandmother May Veronica Tiwari, was married when she was twelve and had my uncle when she was thirteen… he was a thirteen pound baby.  I cannot even imagine the level of pain and torment on her young body.  My ‘grandfather’ was a much older longshoreman, who after getting my grandmother pregnant, would leave and sometimes come back, eventually he moved to America, leaving her and all of their offspring, including my mother there in Guyana to fend for themselves.  She eventually sent my mom and her closest brother, my Uncle Romeo to NYC to live with a father they never had known.  Imagine the horror of flying across an ocean with a kind stranger just to be handed off to ANOTHER stranger? 

After intensely researching the period in Guyana from 1838 to 1917, I came to realize that it is absolutely inconceivable to me, that women were treated in this insidious manner.  Raped by Afro-Guyanese, by the overseer’s and then back home where instead of concern and solace found in the arms of their husbands or fathers, they were repeatedly beat for ‘BEING’, yes, for just BEING.  It must have been the poor coolie gyal’s fault for existing.  What a world to be born, brought or BOUGHT into.  I am sitting here writing this, feeling the weight that was their constant mantle of oppression.  I sit here grateful to have experienced every single thing that I did, to empower me so, that I would excavate the truth, give a voice to the light.  I’m so sorry you were treated so badly, I am so sorry. Sorry that they hurt you, I know that it was all meant to be, and I know I will never know the exact reasons till I enjoy hugging THE REAL YOU when I come “home”. 

I am honored to be from this line of AMAZING women who preserved through the HARSHEST of circumstances.  They were oppressed and degraded in every possible and still SURVIVED, supporting their children in a strange country. 

I get it now, all the dots connect.  I understand, and I am sorry for assuming, I am grateful to be blessed with this knowledge and mission.  I WILL never take this existence for granted again.  NEVER… I will RISE forever, thank you for gifting me with your tenacity and unwavering dedication to survival. 

I am STOMPING on those restraints; we are ‘breaking chains’ forever. 

Love is DIVINE, my ancestors, and love put ME here, ripe full of the lessons that have run down our lineage, I will be brave and strong, holding the very tangible, invisible (on this plane of existence) hands linked with mine around in a circle. 

Here is to my mom and all of her sisters, nearest to my heart of course was/ is Darshini Tiwari, my grandmother May Veronia Persaud Tiwari, my great-grandmother Marie Rajubir, my grandmother’s cousin Anna Naidoo, and the slews of other women in my family and in yours.  We, by shining our light are breaking chains, the chains of oppression and depression.  We can free them, I know I have to start with me and here I am, standing in the light, not afraid to OWN my choices and repercussions, paying forward the light near and far!  I WILL be the change, family, thank you!! Your life is NOT wasted on me!

"Love's Divine" – Seal
Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time threw a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Love HAS helped me know my name.
Video -------à http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iczaDcixBj4&feature=share

I BELIEVE.

I do, I always have and always will.  My only enemy has EVER been myself.  <smiles> yup, you got that, my only enemy and obstacle has only ever been ME.  I was born knowing, we all are.  An innate direct line straight to Source, fresh out of the bakery, hot off the presses, still heaven scented, I mean why do you think we all sniff babies???  I BELIEVE it’s a memory, the memory of HOME, the memory OF LIMITEDLESS potential.  We did not come to EARTH to this plane of existence to practice being divine.  WE ALREADY ARE.  We came here TO HONE our HUMAN experience, to get dirty, messy with the twists and turns of our OWN decisions.  I BELIEVE that every single person we meet is either our student/teacher or both.  I believe that we cannot judge the capabilities of a another person at any time unless we are THAT person having that EXACT experience, with the exact same skill set, same reactions..  

I believe that FOR me… being free from judgment will come more easily with time and practice.  IT IS A PRACTICE.  All of it is.  ANY behaviors that we’ve picked up along the way that are not serving the highest expression of ourselves are going to need to be retrained.  YUP.. hard work.  Growing pains are not just for children.  

Speaking of children, I am HUMBLED and grateful to acknowledge that children don’t have shit to do with adult relationships, however; they are truly the ones that suffer the most. So all you kids reading this <adult kids too> .. It’s NOT YOUR FAULT.  You had NADA to do with your parent’s situations, behaviors, fears, doubts and hang-ups.  You wish you coulda, woulda .. shoulda, nada.. zip… zilcho.  You could NOT have done or can do anything to FIX ANYONE BUT YOURSELF.  Try to hold onto that fleeting joy… the kid that used to sit on the floor and draw stick figures, the ballerina pointing her toe at the ceiling, pretending she is on stage, you… the boy using the pencils as drumsticks.  That’s what this world needs YOU.  The “happy” inside of you that longs to come out but wonders what THEY would think. 

I used to care about what THEY would think… then I LEARNED, it was NOT an easy process, but it was the most worthwhile <still is> journey of MY LIFE.  I am now (very close to being) 46, letting my hair go silver.  I wear VERY distressed jeans. <lmao> I do what I want NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE thinks.  Why??? Because it brings me joy to be ME.  I love not worrying about what other’s think. I LITERALLY DANCE down the streets.. boogie in my car…. Drop it like it’s hot… and I LOVE IT.  Are people weirded out?  NOT my bzness.  My bzness is to shine as only I CAN. 

The thought of riding a horse in jeans, tank top, and my silver hair flowing behind me.. barefoot.. free.. is INTOXICATING to me.  It makes goosebumps rise on my skin.  The thought of standing in front of a group of young women IN juvenile hall makes me UNDERSTAND the purpose of MY light. 

This shit right here, is real.  No bs, no artifice, I have lived a FABULOUS life.  From camping to sleeping on sidewalks… from dancing in Times Square to standing in a soup kitchen line around the corner from Madison Square Garden.  Why then is it fabulous, BECAUSE IT BEGAT ME.. it made me who I am.  I am so grateful for everything.  EVERYTHING… whooo hoooo cuz here I am, and it’s not over yet.  BWAHHH hhhaaa haaa…

Tell me you can’t, and I’ll show you <with actions> how you can.  Tell me you’re not worth it, cuz  (insert name) said you’re not and I’ll show you how it is THEIR belief NOT YOUR truth. Got a situation… let’s see how changing the way WE look at said situation is key. 

Whether you think you can or cannot… your right.

I KNOW I AM… and yanno what…  I AM!   

I BELIEVE!   

Happy Birthday North Star, I adore you!

Yesterday was a day ripe full of Source clarifying that I am indeed on MY authentic path.  There are no mistakes only life lessons, that if chosen can enable us to grow to the highest version of ourselves.  No right, wrong, good or bad, there JUST is.  Yes we can sit down and talk about what is happening in the world, and how fucked up it is, why is there no justice for children, seniors, animals, why are things just so damn hard?  Or we can change ourselves and do SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  Most people want to talk about what’s wrong in their lives.  I too used to focus on the perceived angst of my journey.  If I told you every detail of the long ass haul from a dysfunctional family to this shiny, authentic light, you might say.. dayum I’D bitch too, that was the reaction I always did get upon sharing small fractions of THAT <true> story. 

Story… yup  it all happened, rape, molestation, group homes, foster homes, sleeping on the street, going hungry…. Yup yup yup, an abusive marriage, then a 15 year sham of a marriage… I raised my children predominately alone, yup.. had/have anxiety, ate for comfort, numbed by any means available including yelling, screaming, crying, expecting my children TO LOVE my pain away… .. oh JESUS help me.. please take away this pain… please fill the whole inside of my chest.. OMG I think that I am going to DIE FROM THIS alone feeling.  WHY WON’T ANYONE love me.. why won’t…. yadda yadda yadda…  yup.. that was me.  WAS me. 

Through the entire aforementioned SMALL piece of my story, I knew there was always something MORE in me, shining brightly, I KNEW there was more; I just didn’t realize I HAD TO OVARY up, and FIND THE COURAGE to save myself.  It is said, “When the student is ready, the teacher will come”.  Ready: absorbent, open, receptive, and humbled by the journey.  My teachers began to trickle in.  When I reached the level of accessibility, and was truly READY, I began to HEAR, (really hear) oh sooo slowly and to think.. could there be another way?  Do I just have to choose to change the perspective on this kaleidoscope with which I view life?? Boundaries, what the hell is that?  Oh shit, NOW NO-ONE IS GOING TO LOVE ME, can I really do that.  I MEAN I spent most of my life, performing and pleasing others just to get the love I was getting much less the LOVE I REALLY WANTED.  (Didn’t know that was self –love.. not yet)  

Damn.  Scary shit. 

Fast forward:  Was in NYC, reacquainting myself with long lost family, my aunt called from Mass, had something along the lines of a torn ACL, <she had had Guilin –Barre as a child in Guyana, so walking was always painful for her BEFORE the injury> and needed me to come back to Mass to take care of my lil cuz’s  Kelsey and Korin.  I did (so grateful I followed my intuition, there are NO coincidences) we all became CLOSER (we were already close) I was the first person to hold Korin ten years ago, and adored all three of them with all of my heart.  You have to know Korin to understand, she’s one of THOSE children.  A north star, leading the way with her light and love, she cannot be deterred.  She stands firm in her love; it’s an amazing wonder to behold.   Her very presence just makes one want to be a better person….. the person that she sees under ‘THE STORY’. 

My lil cuz’s went to live with their father (it was A HELL OF A GROWTH SPURT for all of us), my aunt died, I was CRUSHED.  Excuse me hello? that was NOT in the plan, we were ‘supposed’ to sit in rocking chairs one day and talk about how WE made it, from two little girls NEEDING love to crones, still together (only two year difference between us).  She died.  The last time I’ve seen my lil cousins was at her funeral.. shitty anniversary, we decided yesterday to change that at the earliest opportunity. 

Fast Forward:  

Yesterday, went to counseling, (diagnosed with PTSD), go every week, every Wednesday… I find it’s a good place to vent, without attachment.   Sitting in the waiting room, I checked Facebook as usual, was really antsy, after taking my pic in the bathroom mirror, I was on fire.  Oh my goodness I lost so much weight.. yadda  yadda yadda.  I then looked around and thought……hmm I want to ‘connect’, pay attention, I shut off the phone, the Ipad, put everything away, and looked around.  The waiting room was partially full of children, really sad obese people, (like me a year ago), almost everyone clicking away on their phones, the kids on their games, a sad little woman stuffing magazines into her bag.  I really paid attention.  I realized that in each person in that waiting room was the same GOD/DESS/Source spark that was in me.  I am no better, no worse, we are ONE.  I concentrated on seeing that spark in each person, and sent them love.  

After talking to my counselor who is NEVER bored <that is our goal, LOL> I left, hugely grateful and set about the rest of my day.  Wonder Woman Wednesday’s.  Seriously, went food shopping, then came home and prepared for class.  One of my siSTAR’S asked me how much weight I lost and I went digging around for a picture and found the Xmas pic 10 of me.  DAYUM .. I put that up next to yesterday’s picture.  Dayum.  I, MYSELF was shocked, humbled and grateful.  During the call/class, my phone beeped, I usually ignore ALL calls during a class.  It’s ME TIME.  However when ya see the ‘NORTH STAR’ calling you, ya tend to pay attention.  I clicked over.  Korin called me to tell me it was her birthday today.  We, both of the girls and I talked for so long, shining light on each other, reminding one another of our bond and GREAT love for each other.  All of our hearts soared as we talked about my aunt with love and laughter. IT WAS beautiful, such a gift. 

I remember why I started this journey… every bit of it.  Today I tried on a size 16 pair of jeans from American Eagle, granted they are stretchy but they almost closed.. I am in size 18 right now, from a 30/32.  DAYUM.  Losing weight is just a gift with ‘purchase’ of finding the love for me, I NO LONGER have that gaping whole of loneliness in side of my chest.   I get to shine light authentically from every pore.  I confront my fears and some days are more fraught with anxiety than others.  THAT’S OKAY. I love even my panic.  I love every inch of me… shrinking, silver hair showing, loose skin having, shredded muscles blossoming, learning, mistake making inch OF ME.  I ADORE ME now. Nothing and NO ONE will or can get in my way BUT me… and oh … I LOVE ME TOO MUCH FOR THAT SHIZNIT.  After all when the north star says… but Shanny I need light.. pfft. 

One pays attention.

ARMS OUTSTRETCHED to universe.  Ya gotta go THROUGH it to get to the other side.  NO shortcuts.  I know.. .pfft. Was I ever indignant at the beginning! 

LOVing me, LOVing you.  

Excavating Toxins

I had my feelings hurt tonight.  Damnit, I’m still human.. <smiles> all that work and still I’m human.  What the hell, I thought I was WONDER WOMAN.  NOT!!! I had an exercise in my transformational telecourse where I pick out the words that trigger me and then we do work to deactivate the power behind the words/thoughts etc.  I had a list of words but I wasn’t feeling strongly about them, because I haven’t felt all that ‘sensitive’ lately. 

I’m hugely grateful for tonight, now I can write.  It broke the dam of denial.   Crystal uses the acronym, Didn’t Even No I Am Lying = Denial.   I realized that I have not been triggered because I have eliminated naysayers FROM my life.  It is inevitable however that my path will intersect with some negative souls. I need a backup plan, to excavate the deeper issues. 

So the issue is disability.  I am on SSDI, that I paid into, I had a ‘breakdown/through’ 9/11/02, I was working as a case manager for clients with HIV.   I was driving to work, and the reminders were everywhere.  I did not want to watch the news and watch the towers fall again, I was there.  I know. 

  

My first job was in the world trade center, my foster father was the head of maintenance in both buildings and I let my son take off that day to work the polls with my mom who worked for SEIU 1199, so she was working for Mayoral candidate Ferrera.  I thought it would be a good experience for him.  They were headed to HARLEM, and decided instead to go to Queens (to get to Harlem, they had to the E or F train …  the E train ran under the WTC, my mom has always liked to wander)… I didn’t know that they were safe until after noon, then they had walk a few hours home in that madness.  I didn’t know where they were, and I couldn’t get to my daughters because of bomb threats.  So suffice it to say, supporting five, dealing with TEENAGERS IN transition, moving to mass so I didn’t have to worry about them in that way ever again,  It was just too much for my soul at that time.  I had to shut and introvert.  I’m not ashamed.  I’m GRATEFUL that I had the opportunity to root around the abyss and find my way out of the nine circles of hell, because let me tell you the abyss LOOKED straight into my eyes, and I choose light.  (Writing “Salinda’s Light” my story based on the most vivid dream I’ve ever had choosing light over darkness) 

I thought I was over people looking down on me because I am on disability for PTSD/anxiety especially because I used the time to go to college and change my life.  I CHOSE. I didn’t waste my time, I routed out toxins and became a whole person that now owns my own choices and blames NO-one.  So why did this bother me, especially from a stranger.  THEN I got it, it’s not about this person, it’s about my mom, who underneath her ‘love’ does not feel I am of TRUE value unless I’m in ANY job no matter how much it exacerbates my fibromyalgia or anxiety.  Well ummm I love my mom with all of my heart, however; opinions are like assholes everyone has one.  I’m not jeopardizing my joy by doing anything that does not bring me joy.  I can love my mom and look at her with understanding eyes because she didn’t realize she had choices.   I aim towards love and light. My children have NEVER been hungry or without a home.  I provided.  I did it.  So at the bottom of all of this was my mom’s beliefs about me and I choose not going to even bring it up with her.  No need to cause her pain and set off the guilt. It’s my issue.  I got this. 

So why do I post all of my challenges and epiphanies out loud?? I CHOOSE to be the change, and there could be ONE person, JUST ONE, that needs to know that IT DOES TAKE WORK, and it’s worth it.  I’m an excavator of my own truth, an anthropologist of my behavioral origins!!! Takes courage and tenacity to admit and own my shit, and I am all about it.  So my trigger is being ‘ judged’  but the truth is.. SO WHAT if I’m on disability??? I’m not staying on it because I CHOOSE to go back into the world and use my life experiences for good, in service.  I did pay into it and OBVIOUSLY God/dess saw fit to provide because I got it in a MONTH.  THAT’S USUALLY unheard of.  <shrugs> I’m good with it.  I’m going to write a letter to my mom about this issue and burn it under a waning moon to dispel negativity.

Got to admit there is a problem to fix it. 

This is what courage would have me do… I AM SO GRATEFUL I got triggered.  I LEARNED.  NOW I can finish deactivating this ‘bad boy’!!!! 

Courage

My definition of courage has definitely changed over the years. 

When I was young and wounded, I thought that baring my teeth and snarling at potential attackers was courageous.  I thought that fitting in, and adapting to the ‘group’ took courage, because it killed my spirit to do so.  I was under the impression someone was going to give a shit that I had morphed myself into the status quo.  I didn't realize everyone had on their game faces and no one was shining brightly. 

You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.~~Aristotle

I mean really… what the hell was shining brightly???  I had no clue. Upon reflection I realize that I did indeed shine brightly at times, and it was those times that I was truly living LIFE vibrantly.  Those are the times I remember with great fondness, love and appreciation. 

Today while I was on the phone with a loved one, I began going through a box of pictures that have been sitting on my floor since winter, and went down memory lane;  my babies, mom, cousins, aunts, uncles… me as a baby, me as a very large woman… well then!

Looking at the aforementioned picture I can see the unhappiness radiating all over me. I was still playing a game, faking that I understood my self-worth.  I didn’t really.  It wasn’t until I watched a meditational video that the walls of Jericho came tumbling down around my feet.  I really understood on a deep level that we are perfect as children.  Perfect.  AS is, as was, without all the programming.  We are innate light beings, no need for us to perform to make adults smile, or to wash the cares from their brow.  NOT OUR JOB AS babies, children, teenagers or adults, and truly understanding that was pivotal for me. 

I remember MANY times in counseling my therapist would look at me and say, “Shanti, it’s not you, you are buying into their story” … I fought that concept with every fiber of my being, that was so hard for me to grasp, it’s not me?? What do you mean it’s not me? Even if we look at the evidence statistically, by sheer numbers alone, it HAS to be me.  How can ALL these people be wrong and me.. ME … I’m okay????  Pfft! Impossible. 

We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.~~Martin Luther King, Jr.

It wasn't impossible and realizing that we are only responsible for self; both scared the shit out of me and set me free in ways I had only previously imagined. 

I was free to:

Own my repercussions <sounds fun eh?>

Forgive myself and others

Lay out a new strategy <it was and sometimes is STILL confusing>

RE-CREATE my life <yes this IS fun>

Create and implement boundaries <can be truly scary>

Make new choices < really like this one>

Revel in imperfect perfection

Love myself and others in a way I didn’t think was possible for me. 

Learn and apply more positive, light affirming methods every day!!!

I do love me NOW,  I know this for sure.  The evidence is all around me.  This authentic journey requires much courage.  The type of courage that will hold your hand in the middle of the night when you wish the facade of a relationship was there to take up space in the dark vast of self where one can get lost until the terrain is understood.  The kind of courage that will caress your spirit gently as ‘friends and family’ walk away not knowing what to make of your ‘real’ self and newly set boundaries, as you stay determined, even through the tears and the … ‘I thought he or should would get it’ thoughts … it’s not always that they don’t get it, it may be that they do, and they have not yet found their treasure trove of courage yet.  

So while you want to dance around with your brand new BFF, ‘Courage’, it could be scaring the crap out of those around you.  Do you change your trajectory, no, just become more understanding that not everyone will be thrilled to watch how that courage drives you to do things that they at this time can only dream of. 

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~~Anais Nin

Bring it... I’m ready!   (I say COURAGEOUS with one eye closed) lol it’s less scary that way. 

Here is the link for that affirming meditation that literally rocked my world so.  

Click here for inspiration

pfft..that behind me?? oh yea, that's a MOUNTAIN!

Was organizing my papers, putting together old journals, entries, poems, etc and ran across this…Well then.  All I have to say is yanno those roads ahead of me, (shrugs), I’m good and grateful cuz ya see that huge mountain…YEA that’s behind me!!!!!!!!! 

  

Subj:  said the new little moon

Date:  Monday, 4 Feb 2002 12:26AM

From: Nuyoureecanmami

Rarely do I set down and not words comes to me, and yet as I set down to write this email, I don’t even know how to begin.  So much has happened.  M y life has always been chaotic and I believed I had gotten used to it.  A few days ago, I received some news about my childhood, that I suspected but was not sure of, because my brain had apparently blocked it out… but as an intoxicated family member starting sharing these memories with me, I knew it was true.  In a nutshell, I was molested as a child, and apparently had suppressed the memory.  Of course it took me by complete surprise and utter horror.  I cried so much, hurt so deep and felt a shame I didn't even know existed but then so m any things, behaviors and choices became clear to me.  I am not just a screw up.  I am a product of my environment.. in fact I am better than a product of my environment…because I broke those chains for my kids, future grandkids etc.  I am not sure what the lesson in my molestation was .but I do now recognize the lesson on this last one.  Last night as I drove home from work on a particularly calm night, crying because frankly I was and am still stunned and reeling from the blow of this revelation and also because I had a horrendous day at work … <because this intoxicated relative is now calling and harassing my kids, even me at my job by phone>   so there I was driving down the highway listening to something can’t even recall and there it was… for the first time in my life I was completely awestruck.  Now we are talking about a girl from NYC who seen just about everything and I was awestruck, forgot to breathe for a moment and just had my eyes fill up with tears again in wonder.

There right in front of me was the BIGGEST, most incredible, BRIGHTEST, yellow’ist’, MOON that I had ever seen.  It looked as though it were sitting on the end of the highways and for a moment I felt as though I was staring at a science fiction movie screen.  It reminded me how vast our universe is and how small WE SEEM but aren't.  Somehow my potential WAS the brightness of that moon, we are connected, and I was being told how special life is and how awesome, personal and intricate my journey is.  So many people tell me, (if I chose to share something from my life with them)  Don’t worry lots of people have it worse than you, well you know what, that’s not helpful, because when you are in crisis you are only FEELING your own pain and grief and that is normal, but that moon told ME I was and am special a force to be reckoned with.  Not without purpose or a plan. I couldn't cry anymore.  I was too moved by that gift and thee universe was consoling lil ole me… so my lesson in this painful moment is.  

We do what we can, we move on and we remember that it is NEVER the end… said the new little moon!