Cutting OURSELVES and other's some SLACK!

Soo … I’ve been thinking, something bout walking (meditative movement) does it for me.  I mean really does it.  I’ve not been sleeping well AT ALL, and there’s a part of me that just does not want to get out of bed in the morning and just wants to chase Morpheus, but I head out anyway, knowing that there’s golden nuggets to be found 8-10 miles later. 

I’ve had a lot of conversations lately and although I’ve been wrestling with my own shit, my humanity, I still pay attention to the general tone of our soul pod and I’ve noticed some interesting things lately that cumulated into some serious epiphanies on the trail today.  

I’m gonna start and end with this sentence.  Can we just cut ourselves and other some slack????  WTF??? We are all having a HUMAN experience.  As far as I’ve seen and ascertained, this is NOT Mount Olympus and we are subject to the same qualms, fears, doubts, joys, and uncertainties that everyone else has.  Now granted ya may not know what your neighbor, family member, ex’s ex, bf, gf, aunt’s, parents.. teacher, student.. old lady down the block.. etc is going through because they may have to hide it for the sake of their own sanity.  It may look as though they have their shit neatly packed in a 12 x 12 box, all sorted nicely, edges tucked in, no seams showing, coiffed just right, but under that facade, we have NO idea the kind of shit storm is going on. 

Those really broken people acting like assholes… <yup me too> are HURTING, they have no idea how to get themselves out of the abyss.  We/I/you might think they do because something they said and/or did alluded to the fact that they have a clue, or we can judge other’s by what our PERSONAL best is….. but I truly believe we have no fucking idea.  Ever watch a wounded animal???  They lash out, they turn into giant crazed beasts that need a mofo tranq gun just so they can be cared for… remind you of anyone you know?

We are all on this mofo big BIG BLUE rock together and in my HUMBLE opinion, I think we all miss HOME, and by home, I mean back with Source in eternity, cuz it sure as shit looks like we’re all trying to recreate the experience of perfect belonging.. yea ummmmmm this is a HUMAN aka FLAWED (perfectly imperfect) experience. 

So when I arrived on May 22, in Dallas, and headed to the Katy trail for the first time, I looked up at the hill I had to climb and thought…FUCK.  How the hell is my ‘wounded knee’ (yea I took it there) gonna do this?? (if you’ve been following,  then you know about my fall down the stairs and subsequent slip and fall with the whole stretching of my ligaments shit)  so leaving behind the knee and foot brace in Mass, cuz well I just didn’t accept that as part of my reality, I gazed up that hill and thought hmmm here we go. I limped for the first, second and MAYBE third week, I mean seriously limped… my knee felt like it was gonna slip out of its groove, but I kept going.  As I walked that long ass, tree canopied trail much understanding of my own soul and journey became clear.  I got so much about my own limiting beliefs.  How much I JUDGE myself, how self-talk can cripple us or make us scale mountains <not at mountain status YET, but I’m twerking on it> just who was I trying to prove shit too??  Smh.  I came on this journey to be my best me, which includes PLOT TWISTS, yup you got that… you deserve PLOT TWISTS.  How the fuck are we supposed to know how we feel about shit if WE DO NOT TRY??? 

As I walked up and down the trail day after day, I would tilt my head to the side, inhaling.. ummm there’s “Red Door” .. Definitely some “Polo” going on,  oh wait there’s “Beautiful” and ummm yup “Light Blue” by Dolce and Gabbana… so I began wearing my Elie Saab (smiles) … I noticed some women wearing full track suits complete with JACKETS.. yo it is HOT out there… why the fuck are they all covered up, then it began to dawn on me, just because I am currently loving my 220ish pound self does not mean everyone is embracing themselves.. ahh I get it.. and maybe they are ‘sweating’ it all out. Who the hell knows????…   who cares?? They are human and deserve LOVE…      some people smile back, some people don’t, is it PERSONAL??????  Um nope, maybe they are in the groove, maybe they are thinking about their spouse or sick parent/child, again who the hell knows??  

And that’s my point... we do not know, there is NO WAY we can know for CERTAIN unless we climb all in another’s being, we have no idea what shitstorm they are walking through.  Just like you cannot know for sure what it feels like to be me, even with my sharing all my shit, it’s still not the experience of being me. 

So for me… FOR ME… I intend to look at everyone with the eyes of love, I cannot fucking ascertain how much pain a person is in.  Who knows why some people are trying their hardest to destroy other’s lives??? Smh.  I am here to DO MY BEST, what SHANTI perceives as HER BEST (3^rd person feels so weird, lol)   but that is the truth of the matter, I didn’t come here to make everyone happy, I came here to be joy exemplified, that’s my job, to shine MY light as brightly as possible, (makes serious concentrating MUPPET FACE) that’s it.  

So DO you, beYOUtiful, don’t worry about the naysayers, the doubters, troublemakers, gossipers, insecure, the backstabbers… IMHO, they are in lots of pain, and more than anything paying attention to that behavior will only add darkness to a world that needs more light.   

So thank YOU for being YOU, thank YOU for choosing to get up today and be the BEST you can be (your best only to be DEFINED by YOU), WE fucking rock … for an existence that did NOT come with a manual I think we’re doing p r e t t y damn well!!!! 

So your choice??? Part of the darkness or part of the light?? Fear?  Or LOVE. 

I choose love EVERY TIME (sometimes after some thought, it most definitely is not always an instantaneous, spontaneous response)  <3

Let’s cut ourselves some slack … that then carries over into cutting everyone around us some slack… let’s raise the collective consciousness!!! 

Extraordinarily Average and Normal!

I’ve given average, "normal" a bad rap.  In Crystal Andrus's last 12 week telecourse. we were asked to listen to a group of words and to pick the ones that made us feel badly, the ones that trigger us.  Average and normal slipped right on by.  Ego has a way of being suspicious at best and vicious at worst!  So true!!

I was so in love with most aspects of my life.  I simply adored being AWAKE… bounding to my feet to the gym, go go go. Planning, imagining, feeling, manifesting, I stayed busy, so busy in fact I didn't have much time to process all the changes I was putting myself through.   I gave away my shit, and honed my belongings down to 1 box, suitcase and carry-on then I dipset on my life back east to experience an extraordinary existence.  (smh)  you can shake yours too, do you know what’s coming???  So I flew however many miles to Dallas, I successfully weaned myself off a buncha anti anxieties, and embraced courage with A VEHEMANCE... fo shizzle. I flew without a pill or a drink leaning in the turbulence with rediscovered enjoyment of the ‘is’ness.  I thought longingly of my grandchildren but replaced those thoughts with…  I can give them a BETTER me, maybe a faraway me but a BETTER ME. 

I came all the way to Dallas primarily to visit a siSTAR, Denae and to go to the “I Can Do It” conference in Austin for a weekend with another siSTAR, Kristina.  It was amazing, and A LOT of powerful, soul stirring, gut disturbing information.  Ummm yea.. I chose to dive straight into ‘material’ OVERLOAD, because of course I had <simply HAD> to start reading, researching, and implementing but, I hadn't caught up with being on this, my first trip solo journey in a LONG time (minus one short Amtrak trip to Florida in 2010)  

Okay so my thoughts became more and more about ‘doing IT right’ … how do I speak to young women, and how do I get myself OUT there.  smh … can you see where this is going???  EGO...  edging God/dess out.  I did.. . I concentrated so much on being connected to source; I knocked myself right out of the realm of expansion and contracted myself right into fear’s grasp.   SHIT!!!!  

Are you feeling me??  So my dream is to speak to young women, to stand before them and show them that they have choices, but to do that authentically I must utilize mine, and if creating this dream out of nothing, like that <snaps my fingers> is overwhelming to me, I missed something…. Damnit…  I must function in JOY, the sheer joy of existence.  Nods…  Last night talking to Yola, today to Kristina I realized … omg … my trigger is “average”.   I don’t wanna be average, and I started thinking about that word, average… a small apt cuz I just want a small place, a small car (I’m not a big car chick) what’s wrong with ‘normal’?  What IF I rock my ‘normal’ life with such verve, passion and shininess …nods head that it makes me giddy with joy, well then by the very definition of the experience my normal life would be extraordinary… right?  Right!  So what’s a goddess to do???

I am putting together the tools I've amassed and sticking them into my tool box, heading back to Mass.,  to feel the hugs of my grandpeeps,  to look at my children in the eyes with love and to **shine** .. AS, ‘JUST ME’, a woman on the road less traveled.  Not hugely spectacular unless you know the whole story but grateful and happy.  I have a feeling that that’s enough, cuz I am/you are ENOUGH as is. 

When it’s time for me to speak to young woman, the angels know where to get me <smiles> we CANNOT fail at god/dess’s purpose for us.

 I’m gonna just LIVE and be happy, enough WORK for a little bit.  I’d rather go get a job, and let my spirit VEG and process for a minute.  

Rainbow Warriors - We are Called!

I was a club kid in the 80’s NYC dance scene, from the village to midtown Manhattan. I partied at clubs like the Roxy, Danceteria, Latin Quarter, Paradise Garage etc. I was a runaway on and off during those years in group homes, a foster home or two, and a lot of time on the street.  I had a lotta peeps, and many of them worked in the sex industry. I was very lucky, and never did (there but for the grace of Source went I) but that didn't stop me from looking for love in all the wrong places. I had minimal self-esteem and self-worth, and was convinced I had no voice and what I had to say did not matter. I was NOT comfortable utilizing the word no. Acquiescence, I felt, was my contribution to the world. It was all I thought I had to offer.

I found myself doing a bit of a stint in a drug program called Promesa, in the Bronx.  I met young people from all walks of life. One angel was named Gabriel; an amazing soul, reminded me so much of one of my favorite uncles, Taj.  My mother's youngest brother was also an amazing man and a shiny spirit!  He loved as exuberantly as he lived… OUTLOUD.   He pulled no punches and had no compulsions about being blunt, sharing everything that was on his mind.  

I digress.

Gabriel and I spent many hours talking and dancing, memories of him slipping on my gorgeous brushed suede tan peep toe pumps, he taught me or should I say reacquainted me with the hustle.  I had watched and imitated my uncle for years!  Gabriel had a challenging past, ostracized from his family because he was gay and a drug user.   I didn't give a shit what he was all I knew was that his soul was sparkly!  We all however cycled in and out of group homes, foster homes, incarceration <yea I was lucky again.. no jail for me>so much that we lost contact, I never saw Gabriel again.   A few years later I found out he succumbed to AIDS and I remember feeling like I got punched the stomach.  I was beginning to lose loved ones to this fucked up disease that no one seemed to know anything about.

Fast forward…

I found out my uncle was diagnosed with HIV, by that time I had known and lost many people from this senseless, confusing disease and I was living in a world where my earlier seemingly innocent promiscuous nature now had a deadly flavor.  In 91’ living in Temple Terrace., Florida, working at Met Life, I was tested, petrified by my uncle’s diagnosis, I just knew I had it; I went and got tested.  There was such a waiting list for the results that it took a month and a half for my results to come back.  I was so scared that I was manifesting signs; I was constantly nauseous with flu-like symptoms.  I cried hysterically when I found out I was HIV negative. 

I moved to Harrisburg Pennsylvania, with my babies.  My Uncle Taj, came to see us, all the way, from NYC by himself.  He never gave a shit that I was the black sheep of the family. He never gave a crap what people thought of me. He just saw his niece, point blank that’s it.  He sat across the table from me eating a pound of bacon for breakfast. I looked at him asking if he really thought he should be eating that?? He replied, does it matter now? I looked at every one of his features, at the evidence of Kaposi Sarcoma on this face and asked him if he was scared… He looked at me and said, petrified.   

He died about two years later and the year after, I became certified by the city of Boston as an STD/AIDS prevention peer educator and I began to teach women to how to have safe sex, and to love themselves. It's funny because at that time I didn't even know how to love myself, but I knew there was something more than waiting around playing Russian roulette with our lives. 

Fast forward… After 9/11, I moved back to Massachusetts from New York after a stint as a retail manager, I became a housing advocate and case manager for clients with HIV. I knew I wanted to give back, I knew that there had been loving, caring, nonjudgmental souls who had nurtured and loved my uncle…  I wanted to ‘love’ that forward.   

Now that I truly understand self-love, I want to be of service; share my life. I know that if I open myself up, turn myself inside out and show my seams, being blunt, living raw about what's really going on as I strive for the highest expression of myself… then there is no other outcome, but the raising of the collective consciousness.

Are you a rainbow warrior too??  How can YOU be of service right now?  Smile at the next person you see, help someone, hold out your hand…

Are YOU a Rainbow Warrior??

We have choices. We can shine our light brightly. We can choose to be ourselves in a world that would have us be clones.  We can choose to research, take precautions, we can say no, loving ourselves in action, not just with words.  Where is your courage? Show me your brave! I'll show you mine. I am still here, and we FUCKING matter!

I was inspired to revisit why I have/had been an advocate for those who are on this “life” journey with HIV, by a man that to me, epitomizes the word hero. I am blessed to have 'happened' on his excursion into the depths of the human experience through a woman I call a universal sibling. I've been watching his expedition, continually inspired and refortified by the courage he exemplifies. 

As I was packing my life up into 1 suitcase, carryon and box, saying goodbye to my family chasing the desire to ‘be of service’, Bob has been choosing to share of himself in raw and unfiltered displays of courage.  As I was watching his documentary, the first thought was how dare I bitch about my journey, then the empowered 'remembering/retraining' kicked in ...what's important is… how can I be of service? 

Bob has chosen to walk his talk, sharing his story with as many people as possible, carrying a banner of hope, determination, tenacity, courage and raw truth.  He refuses to give up, to allow HIV to define his life, instead HE chooses to rally in the face of what could have been a debilitating tragedy. 

It sincerely stuns my spirit to realize that Bob contacted HIV after one unsafe act, at the same time I was engaged in many unsafe practices on the street.  Why him and not me? 

I know that I will be of service in any and all ways possible to facilitate the eradication of this PREVENTABLE disease.  Enough is enough.  We will not be silenced.  Taking Bob by the hand, we are ONE!

What can WE do?????

Educate ourselves

ERADICATE the stigma <such bullshit>

Learn how to use our voices

Be A PART of a growing collective to JUST BE OUR DAMN SELVES

PREVENTION!!!!!

Please educate yourself, watch this raw, courageous documentary about Bob’s ‘in your face’ choice to be of service.  

Click HERE to watch The Fire Within!
don't forget to donate WHAT you can!!!! 

Right here-----> Documentary's donation spot!!

What else would you add to this list??? Let us know, you can contact Bob at:

Join Bob on Facebook!!!

Bob on the internet! One Tough Pirate!!!  

Let’s RISE together and banish this disease for ONCE and for all. I choose to stand and be a part of change… who’s with me?

LET'S HELP Bob get the word out!!!!

Rocking Authenticity!!!!!

Sooooo…

Life keeps expanding to the expression of one’s courage.  Yup for sure.  Today I addressed and implemented some boundaries I have been mulling over for a few weeks.  These issues made me literally sick to my stomach.  Its true what’s repressed must be expressed.  I am a woman on the cusp of her highest expression.  I cannot be boxed in, tamed or controlled.   It’s a beautiful thing although my ego and fears would tell me otherwise.  Go back to Massachusetts, fit neatly into the box that ‘they’ would have you in, follow the mainstream, acclimate, condense your spirit, CONFORM.  NO, but that’s not me, as one of my best friends and mentors taught me, “What would courage have you do?”  As another so succinctly told me “you have choices, other’s may not like them, but you have them”.  I am NOT a conformist at heart, never have been.  I am different, unique; you know that soft whisper that you hear saying … no that’s not right for YOU?  No shame, no blame but BE YOURSELF. There are no ‘follower’ tendencies in me as I hold a machete, slashing the bramble in my path.  Yes there are times when this journey scares the shit out of me, and I long and yearn to hold my grandchildren in my arms, but will I go back and watch my soul slowly die from the monotony of a life NOT lived??? Nope.   Will I wonder on my death bed what would have happened if I followed my dream…. Can’t do it. 

I have to be me, so thank you to the people in my life that get it.. that embrace my idiosyncrasies and love me anyway… who raise a quizzical eyebrow in the face of my choices and yet hug me when I get scared.  THANK YOU for realizing that I am THE HIGHEST expression of me and I am roaring, as my innate, primal GODDESS yearns to be expressed.  

I listened, I learned and I’M putting all of those lessons into real life expression. 

This is what courage had me do … these are the choices not only can I live with but I can be proud of knowing that I honored the source/goddess riding my skin and my soul with exquisite passion.

This IS the bravest thing I've ever done…ever… I risk every relationship I have being true to myself and YET I must, I have to … this expression is as necessary to me as the oxygen that I breathe. 

Watch me fly!!!!

Thank YOU for teaching me so well… cuz this goddess took it all seriously!!!!

By the Grace... Breaking Chains Matters!

Appreciative, stalled in the stillness, examining the terrain of the 'waiting room', surrendering to the 'is'ness may and sometimes does feel uncomfortable.   There are moments of sublime elation and moments spent reclaiming balance.   It is a bit of a tightrope walk.  Goes something like this:  

The Cast:

E.G.O (Edging God Out) - EGO (my EGO is totally frightened by the divine self)

Divine Self – DS (the me I choose to be, following my authentic, self … my inner sexy geek)

Wake up..... EGO kicks in, sense of dread....I've got to do what?  In how much time? 

DS: you got this...let it rise, let the feelings rise.  It's okay, love yourself as is. 

DS gets out of bed, chooses to meditate, surrendering to Source's/God/dess’s plan, even if every step is not defined.  The path is only spiritually palpable...not always tangibly so. 

After DS meditates, and surrenders to Source/God/dess, the journey and plan; things progressively FEEL better.  Working out, meditating and writing, with EGO occasionally whispering in MY spirit’s ear, what the hell do you think you’re doing?? To which DS replies…  I AM TRUSTING source, dammit, we ARE following the light!!!!!

This is a small glimpse into the running dialogue in my head.  I choose to direct my thoughts now and that's the difference. 

Flashback:  Walking down a dark Manhattan Street, shadows jumping at me from every direction, heart in my throat as I pass the theater district.  On my way to Pennsylvania station (Penn Station) for the night, looking for any of my street siblings.  I walked determinedly from 42nd street towards 34th street. As usual, I was thinking about the why's of my life.  Why me?  What do I do now?  Why am I alone again?  Poor me, dammit, I just want a family, a home and to be somewhat understood.  “Yo, Cookie... Wtf are you doing?”  Blinking a few times, shocked out of my abysmal contemplation's, I recognized a girl I had been in Promesa with a couple of weeks earlier… and thought quickly…  oh shit, I'm wearing this girls Adidas.  Fuck!  She weaved toward me, her eyes empty and unfocused. I realized that she was almost unrecognizable due to the amount of weight she had lost since we had last seen each other almost two weeks before.  Slurring her words slightly she said what's up with my kicks, I said, I know, I have them on, but to be honest, I don't have shit else, and I'm not walking down the street barefoot.  (I was thinking damn damn, not barefoot too). She looked at me, I guess deciding if this was worth the effort of a forced retrieval.    I was bigger and stronger but she was definitely a better fighter due her many years on the street and the system (I remembered some of her story from our encounter groups in Promesa).  She said with a dismissive wave, “give them back next time we see each other”. I nodded apologetically with a shrug of  “badass” I don’t care... I don't really give a fuck attitude, my ego protecting my back out there in the concrete jungle... ( I totally gave a fuck). As she walked away from me, towards the shadows, I saw movement, a spectral, bony hand reaching for her head as she knelt down.  My mouth fell open as I realized what she was doing... My heart beating like a frightened baby bird, I quickened my pace speeding away from her in her very own Adidas.  I never saw her again.

Fast Forward: Sitting here in a semi-public place, watching a loving family, I just wrote that feeling all up in the 'ISness' holding space for that young woman who was driven to her knees by her demons.  I want so badly to remember her name.  To hold light for who she was, who I was, who we are.  In retrospect I was lucky, divinely protected ....but why? 

In 1991, I was laying on my mother's futon, talking to God, my children ages 5,4 and 3.  Attending Medical Assisting School in the evenings, I was single parenting while my ex was out doing his thing.  I could not yet see any rhyme or reason for this tortuous path.  I was more than angry, I was frustrated and laden with despair.  I cried out to the heavens, tears streaming down my face, WHY???? WHAT IS IT ALL FOR???… I could feel my heart clenched in pain, my insides felt as though they were viscously twisted and knotted in agony.   What the fuck do I do with THIS? How do I make this work?  I felt broken, empty, angry, afraid, bereft, and still not understood, by anyone. 

I heard an answer.

Three calm words...

No voice to describe... just three words ....then four.

write it down. 

write it all down.

I thought what, write all that shit down and then die?  Wtf? With my luck, that’s just how it would happen, leaving my children with whom???? Pfft!  NO, thank you.   

That was in 1991, I get it now, share everything, everything that has happened and the journey that is now unfolding.    Show the messy, sometimes scary, raw process, my return to innocence, retraining one damn thought at a time.  I am to flip myself inside out and show my seams, loving myself and all others during the process.  Holy shit! 

Yup, I AM brave, so are you, if your reading this, it's not an accident or a coincidence, there's something in this intersecting labyrinth that we are in together that mirrors and reflects something in your spirit.  Something that you want to know.   We are one. 

That young woman (cannot remember her name) and I were/are one.  I hope she made it, I really do.  I cannot feel upset that I didn’t run back to her, because as I knew in that moment, the darkness threatened me too, what I saw could not be unseen, if I had gone back, I may not have made it.  There but by the GRACE of god/dess, go I.  I hope she’s okay… to that young woman who shared a room with me at Promesa, I’m sorry I took your sneakers.  I am holding light for US. Wherever you are, I remember you.  I see you.  Thank you. 

*Write it down.. write it all down* 

Yup, got it.  

Resplendently ME!!!!!

Massive layer shedding, as I took myself and splurged on two workout outfits at Old Navy, been walking the Katy Trail almost every day and well <clears throat> there has been chafing in these here parts… blink blink I’ve always been more than content to work out in old baggy cut up t shirts and old worn out yoga pants or shorts, but due to the severe temperature change and readjustment to more intense workouts my body is bitching. 

I bought bright pink and turquoise… so outside of my comfort zone.  Do you have any darker than black, please?  I can so feel my aunt, Darsh, laughing, applauding or both… smh.   Went back to the house preparing for my walk and took a glance in the mirror <did I mention that an ENTIRE wall is made of mirrors… gulp> I stopped in my tracks and thought shit.. shit… there’s lumps and rolls showing.  GULP.  Contemplated exchanging them all for BLACK, and asked myself, just who I am hiding from?  IF I am truly embracing authenticity, this is where I am RIGHT now. 

Am I at my perfect fitness level… no.  Am I as tight and toned as I would like… no.  BUT, so the fuck what??? I AM a divine goddess creatrix no matter WHAT, so I embraced my bravery and my courage and walked out of the house ala Cleopatra.  

As I roamed around in the extreme heat of Dallas <gps’ing myself with my phone… yay> got my eyebrows threaded, and getting my 12,000 steps in, I pondered….  Do we, ‘did I’ shame myself (ourselves) for so many years because it was socially expected that I (we) should want to hide my body???  Was I more accepted because I was trying to fit myself into the perfect cookie cutter/ sheeple wanna be?  Did I dim the bodacious light of MY soul and BODY to make other’s feel comfortable… surrendering to the abyss, cuz it was safer?  Who said we all have to look alike, why is long and lean so acceptable, what’s up with us fertility goddess shapes… we are ‘drawn’ that way…. and that is PERFECTLY MAGNIFICENT. 

So I sashayed my ever decreasing ass all over Dallas, getting both darker AND more radiant with each step… so what the active tank I bought is more form fitting than anything in a LONG time, maybe I’m done with being part of the woodwork, ha.. maybe I am ready to spread my wings, rising into the air, a resplendent, transcendent goddess. 

I will hide NO longer.  I am HERE, and HERE IS FANfuckingTABULOUS!!!!!! 

Blossoming into MY highest expression!!!!

“Mom, you were the angriest, bitterest person I knew”

My mouth fell open a little bit.  Me?  Really?  Seriously?  Thinking damn, this boy has MET a lot of angry people and I WAS at the top of that list.  Then the yummy num nums slipped in quickly and I realized how MUCH I have changed.  I recognized how HURT, bitter, angry, I truly was.  I use to SEETHE on a constant basis.  I didn’t understand why the world seemed to be pitching fast balls at my face.  Why wouldn’t SOMEONE see my pain?  Was I invisible?  FUCK!!!!  I EXPECTED everyone to fix the situation.  I wanted my mom and dad to recognize what had happened, I wanted my little sister to bitchslap the lot of them and say..UMMM do you not see you are hurting her??  I wanted my ex-husband to don the armor and slay the damn dragon.  (PRESSURE much?)  I wanted the love of my children to save me… I grasped at love like a woman in quicksand, crushing the delicate petals in my desperate attempt to breathe.  I wore my rage as a protective, outward spike studded mantle of protection against the world, not realizing I was stabbing my loved ones with my palpable pain. 

I wasn’t always that way, as a young girl I lived in the moors of my own fantasy world which resplendent with the most brilliant, fragrant flowers was my heart’s terrain.  Fairies, pixies, brownies and sprites were abundant and free, roaming this land of my creation.  Majestic, grandfatherly trees dotted the landscape and were welcoming with their huge sturdy branches poised to embrace my books and I.  I of course was the fairest in the land <smiles> and the animals were my best friends.  That’s where I lived once upon a time.  Then I lost my way, I found myself in the brambles of my own despair, and I abandoned hope and closed my heart.  

During my years in the abyss, I kept reaching for the light, I did.  I knew that although I was covered in slick, oily, dense darkness of despair, I was still a creature belonging to Source.  I recognized that in my heart of hearts, I just didn’t have any idea how to go about reclaiming the brilliance with which I once viewed everything… but then…

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.  (Anais Nin)

and blossom I did… as a matter of fact <just realized> that is what this leg of my journey is called… “Blossoming” …  Didn’t even have that in my mind as I sat down to write how far I’ve come since that angry, bitter, hurt, woman I USED to be.  

‘used to be’ was such the gift in that statement...… yea.  Thank you RJ!!!

the mofo 'waiting room'

"We judge that which is reflected in others, that we have not worked through and accepted in ourselves."

More raw and open than ever before, I get this on such a soulular level now.  I am much more observational and less reactionary, when I maintain my necessary level of self-love, otherwise I’m liable to become unintentionally but noticeably snarky.   

I realized today on the phone with my bubby, how far we've come by simply putting one step in front of another.  Jen literally went back and found our very first conversation, holy shiznit...  what growth, courage and tenacity during 18 months of deep, painstaking work, shedding layer after layer of protective tissues, facades, walls, barriers, bullshit and the propensity for dramatic hyperbole.   (what?!?!?!?!  what you say, you don’t have a BUBBY???  You ought to remedy that at your earliest convenience, an absolute must on this, my personal road less traveled)

Stubby and Bubby were born one day on Skype as we very exhaustedly tried to describe without our usual grasp on the English language, how it felt to be remarkably bipolaresque on this archaeological dig into our authenticity.  Literally Bubby threw up two hands in sock puppet fashion and of course I saw MUPPETS, and thus they/we were born. (MUCH more on that story later)

So after serious rumination, trying always to understand, I realized that MOST of life occurs in the mofo WAITING room.  That’s the shit right there… that pulsating, annoying thing that’s been driving me crazy for years.  IT’s ALL about what we do while we WAIT.  That’s where REAL LIFE happens, it’s the skill with which we navigate through the lulls that can make us or break us.  I call it the ‘waiting room’ … magazines, reality TV, trashy books??? What does it for you?  I've learnt that if I can just get to the Divine “Pier One” and decorate that bad boy, life is so much easier.  When I stay in the is’ness’ and relinquish the expectation of flow and surrender to the eventuality of life’s magical progression, it’s all amazing.  When I focus on what next… umm when is it coming? What’s going on?  What’s happening? I gotta what?  I’m moving where?  Who ..what.. when… how???.... how??? … how???¸ I can go a lil batshit crazy.  

So I surrendered.   I did, and I make that choice over and over again every day, and will continue to as much as it is warranted.   I’m never going to lie to anyone and say this shit is easy.   NOT HAPPENING.  There are magical moments, the one’s that take your breath away with such beauty, your heart just breaks right open in awe, and then there are the moments where the pain is so fucking intense ya feel like banging your head into a wall over and over again (I’m so seeing stubby and bubby right now… looking like Animal smashing his head on the piano) but the thing is, IT’S REAL.  NO bullshit, and why… why choose this road that’s actually called the less traveled one, I mean we cannot claim false advertising, can we?  BECAUSE those moments, those HOLY SHIT, THAT FELT AMAZING are so worth the rest of it, and if we keep going, a momentum builds and we become one with our own source energy … that’s where the magic happens. 

Yesterday Denae and I went to see Maleficient, which she knew I’d been jonsing to see, Angelina is so my woman crush for SO many reasons.. pfft.. I was NOT expecting to bawl like a five year old, and quite honestly was thinking to myself.. WTF, Shanti, can’t you JUST ENJOY THE GAWDDAMN movie?? Then I realized that those were not my words, they were words that were said to me so much, there were recorded in my psyche, so I <the empowered woman> said, hmmm there’s good reasons to cry, this brought up alotta shit in you, with all of this bravery, journeying, shedding of old dynamics and primal life, it's showing you something and well … yanno it was.  

That little voice that speaks to you consistently, that little thread of knowing, it’s wise, it really is.  I’m listening to my inner god/dess, my connection to source, cuz there’s magic in the fucking waiting room. I’m painting that bad boy, throwing up some paintings, hammocks, incense and candles, because I truly believe if I find my happiness, joy and serenity there, in the not knowing, the surrender, the FREAKIN waiting room where self-love is imperative… then I got this shit... SELF LOVE is indeed,  the act (action) of loving God/dess.  Wow.  How much we've grown eh Bubby????

Soo more to come on the ‘adventures of Stubby and Bubby’ … Maleficent, and of course “The Waiting Room” … <eyeroll> lol 

Dedicated to Jen"Bubby" Taylor!  Yo... <eye to eye hand gesture> we got this... we do indeedy yes, mah sweetie!!!!  

Not all those who wander are lost!

I’m still in awe over daily epiphanies.  I read JRR Tolkins, LOTR when I was still  in single digits and have always loved this quote but never had it resonate on multilayers of my being before. 

Sometimes I just have to go back to the basics, when times and situations are exquisitely catastrophic in nature,  returning to the actions of our most innate primal being, allowing the feeling and healing to commence begets calmness in time.  

Leaving Taunton for the birth of my granddaughter Nyra, reuniting with my little cousins Shaharazade and Teresa, meeting their “Knight in Shining Armor” Tim, saying adieu once again, always a bittersweet affair, then 24 hours later, it was time for a reunion with my parents, one traveling from Puerto Rico, the other from Florida.  My son Rj hustling his arse between the airport, Taunton, Fall River and work, my youngest daughter Alanna becoming a lovingly reluctant family motel. 

Did I mention all this occurred not a full week after I left Taunton and that in less than three weeks I’m on my way to Dallas, and this is the most courage I’ve ever had in MY LIFE. 

Then…

The shiznit hit the fan leaving the entire family collectively gasping with hollow hearts.  BLINDSIDED!! Stunned we all continued putting one foot in front of the other… my dad returned to PR, my son retreating to safe distance and the rest of us still on the front lines.  Each of us struggling to make sense of life’s fantastically horrifying and soul stirring twists and turns. 

Tempers worn, nerves frayed, very little sleep and hardly time for self-care, I truly believe we carried on swimmingly, lotsa apologies, a few slammed doors but for the most part staying in the light as much as we were able.  

Mom left to join Dad in Puerto Rico and that was the straw that broke me wide open.  I find it so interesting how women in one family can ADORE each other so much from a distance, missing each other the moment they are not together and annoy the hell out of each other so much in person???  Family of origin triggers?  (shakes my head smiling) 

So there we were, the group dwindling, Alanna and I blinking like owls trying to make sense of THIS storm’s tempestuousness.  She retreated to her quiet place with Genesis…I made my way to my temporary bedroom and FELT.  That was some serious SOULstrip action going on.  RIPPPP!!!!! Smh… left that on way too long, I think it took a few layers of my heart, which at first felt horrible but it catapulted me a little faster through the dark tunnel towards the light of my own understanding.  OUCH.. but umm yea.. grateful. (eyeroll)

I had planned on getting inked for the anniversary of my aunt’s death.  (more about my aunt here:  My Aunt) I wanted to commemorate the eternal love and bond between my aunt and little cousins Kelsey and Korin.  My daughter told me about an amazing tattoo parlor, Heritage Ink so I stopped in and met Ashely, I could tell, like me, she too was divergent and her spirit sang of independence and light.  Yup, it felt right. I didn’t even shop around, it FELT right.  I’ve learned to pay attention to my feelings.  What my beautiful siSTAR Crystal called the internal GPS.  Made an appointment, and set about finding out exactly what I wanted.  Two K’s, one upper and one lower case to rep the wee cousins and freaking flowers for my aunt.  <SMH> Darsh has jokes.  I never actually liked flowers, until I ran into a lotus blossom, and suddenly after death… FREAKIN flowers are all I want to express my love for her.  WTF?? I know she’s laughing, I can feel it.  So above the original Darsh (tattoo)  I have on my right arm with heavy purple shading, her favorite color I now have the Maori symbol for “life gives and life takes away” with the K’s. 

... For ME, because well let’s face it.. ya gotta take care of yourself, I got a cute baby elephant, huge eyes.. holding a blue.. (yup Brandon) butterfly, and the Shakespearean quote “What’s past is prologue”

The blue butterfly references my miracle on the mountain in NC, and Brandon well, he just brought the whole thing together. I still get a heart squeeze when I think of that.  These mini yoda’s and tiny guru’s, I love learning from children!! 
(more about The Blue Butterfly, the miracle and Brandon here..)---Blue Butterfly and Brandon

I perused Ashley’s page, screen shooting some of the soul stirring quotes and checking out her work, becoming more and more excited to commemorate this resting place on, MY road less traveled.  siSTARS know siSTARS, and I was almost anxiously anticipating ‘me time’ the day after the anniversary of Darsh’s death, and needing to honor the love, sadness and the ISness of the journey.

For me, the conversation, connection and reflection speaking with another one of Lilith’s daughters (rising divergent goddesses) getting ink’d with all this hugely meaningful testimonies and markers for my awakening, something shifted. 

In those moments as the needle pushed through my skin, all of the pent up pain of the past three weeks, from packing to leaving, goodbye’s, cya later’s, family situations, the pangs of uncertainty that may trickle into our ISness if we do not stay mindful, rose to the surface and dissipated back into Source.  I was again forged in the fire of change born of pain and could see the journey from a codependent, enabling, resentful, martyr (SMH) to the my rapidly awakening true self, a divine creatrix mindfully watching my feet fall solidly onto the crystal bridge that I am choosing to see, utilizing only my divine sight to guide me. 

Brand new levels of trust in self, in source, in YOU, for we are all connected six BILLION expressions of the divine.  WE ARE the same, all source energy expressing itself UNIQUELY. 

Thank you my soulpod family for holding space for me whilst I held my breathe temporarily submerged in the abyss… a guest but no longer a resident,  thank you for the love (it’s in all of us) that anchored me..  You know who you are!

How far I've come:  from whence I came... 

oh now I gotta take off an additional 10-15 pounds.. not sure because I don't weigh myself anymore.. but DAYUM I am bloated.  LOL huge self love commenced!  pfft!