Love... is who I AM!

One of my bodacious soul siSTARS, Mary McIntyre wrote yesterday, “I keep trying to analyze my life, especially the relationships I’ve lived and let go of and what might be wrong with me is that I couldn't make it stick.  But, then it just came to me… when you stop being what other’s want, need and expect of you, most times you find that there’s really nothing left that you have in common, so the story ends and you become you at last, let it shine.”  Thank you Mary for the amazing realizations and the magnificent pic!!!  

Well shiver my timbers, that resonated so deeply I had to keep rereading it over and over again, and that was a follow up on this week’s call, the fifth week of the transformational telecourse so I decided to combine my home/soul work and just write. Ever get something on a soulular level, so much so it shakes the very foundation of your being? 

I know who I am, sans the story, expectations, fears, performances, facades and bullshit.  I know what my purpose is.  I do.  The very magnificence of it sometimes scares the crap out of me, true story.  I remember distinctly at two, understanding love, purely.  I remember again at five, knowing that this was going to be a bumpy ride, I was just not understood.  No shame, no blame, everyone did their best with the hand they were dealt.  I am not angry at all… no one to be angry at.  I personally resonated in what I call 'dumbassery' as a young mother.  Who would I blame for their own struggles?  Shakes head. 
As I read that post that Mary shared the pins and tumblers once again slid into place.  Ahhhh… those in my life walking away or who have already walked away and I have nothing in common anymore.  I get that, and can respect it.  I thought LOVE was a common denominator, but apparently not enough for all relationships.  I get that.  A loved one who is not in my life, once told me.. .wow you really think your Queen of your Kingdom… ummm YEA I do, my world IS my Queendom.  I am a goddess and SO is the loved one… so we can coexist from a distance.  It’s all good. 
I used to believe that loving=holding on, I realize now that is not always the case.  In some circumstances, letting go is a bigger indicator of love.  I can do that.  It’s gonna hurt like a bitch for a minute or so, but this too shall pass.   This glow-stick had to break before the light could shine.  I’m working on me… being the change I want.  I will not be stopped, there is no staying down, not this gyal. 
Yanno what I am sans the bullshit?   I am love.  Innately…  LOVE… I know that with every fiber of my being.  I don’t give a shit what comes my way, I know I am love.  My purpose here??  To share the love in any and all ways possible.  To exude joy and gratitude for every damn step of the journey.  Yup. 

Love is who I am.   

 

Trusting the Process!

Trusting in the Process

marinating in the GREAT I AM..

On a cellular level I realize
used to struggle to understand

Amazing Artist: Lisa Steinke

 It’s okay that I stumble, acceptable that I fall

When tested by the fire, I stand and stand once more

Never have I succumbed to the abyss for an extended long-term stay

I am too fond of the light, beaming, loving in every way.

I test all boundaries to be sure

Too tame for this rising Goddess

Smashing the box, broke all of the locks

And now standing in my full glory

Lisa Steinke

I turn my head at all the *should-do's*

it won't works, and I don't know's, 

no blame, no shame or pointing fingers

choices have always been entirely my own 

We are here to share from our soul’s deep passion

Exuding light from our blissful minutely satisfaction

I’m not dimming my flame for anyone, anymore…

With every breathe I muster

My pores exude divine 
pure light and lustre

Till there’s naught left but courage

 the knowledge to which I surrender

to the crashing of the waves

both the light and darker days

to both my good wolf and my bad

co creator-- YES I AM.

Shanti Shaharazade 10/20/13

lunaPIC'd

there were moments 

on my journey 

into the darker lands

when my spirit

struggled, trying

to understand.

out of instinct

guided solely 

from my heart

eyes turned skyward 

quick inhale

quite the start

for there was Luna

smiling down at me

erasing doubt 

and negativity

refocusing all

and everything 

inside of me

replacing all fears

with primal energy

the goddess 

cast her spell 

again,

360ing me

back to 

primal ecstasy

so mark last eve

and know this

to be true

la luna verified

there is naught

I 'cannot' do

these are but

words, watch me

you shall see

goddess once 

more restored

my soul powerful

and free.

S. Shaharazade

10-15-13

Brighter than the SUN!!!

Life has a way of letting us be as vicarious and daring as we choose. It really is up to us.  Again, I sitting somewhere alone ..processing.  So,not lonely... matter of fact, über grateful to spend time with ME.  

Flashback.... Sitting in a park, alone and immensely LONELY, letting the rain fall down all over me.  43rd and 9th avenue, August 19, 1980. How am I so sure, it was my 13th birthday. I was in all types of silent agony, that gaping giant chasm ready to engulf any remnants of light I had left.  I was homeless, scared, bereft, inconsolable, hungry, sad, angry, depressed.  I was 'twerking' with the dark side of the seven dwarfs!  The dismal abyss had its wispy dark threads all caught up and entwined in my being and I was learning to reinforce the walls protecting my wounded heart.  In retrospect, that was a hard year...and yet...

I am grateful for it, all of it.  I would not be the woman I am without everything that has polished and smoothed the rough edges of this brilliant obsidian....

What's the point of all that?  Choices, perspective..the ebb and flow of the journey.  To demonstrate what is possible.  We are limitedless beings, we are our own jailers.  We volunteer, albeit not always premeditatedly.  I believe we are born innately knowing, our experiences and surroundings shape us, we then choose to focus on the gift/curse of situations which attracts more of the same.

We then feel... I did anyway, that something is amiss, but, to put the brakes on life and 360 takes massive courage and strength. Ready to examine any and everything is not for the faint of heart.  Owning ones own choices, not looking for a scapegoat is immense.  What?  No-one to blame?  Shit?  Really?  You mean even tho this one did this and that to me, I still had choices, but I was scared?  I let myself 'be' changed to fit in?  To blend, to not be different? Ya mean even after I got hurt I had options.... I didn't HAVE to choose the slippery downslope of self pity, but it was my 'story', my chance to have people sayyyy awww..,you poor hunny, I'll fix you. 

Raises eyebrow, yea ummm no.  Doesn't work out, not in the long run...resentments build, light drains, new sources of numbing agents and codependency must be found.  A continuous cycle of gimme, gimme ensues and it becomes a huge cyclical circle of NEED.  What about true wants, desires, dreams..etc.   Oh right, if I say what I truly want I'll scare them away, so lemme act as if....(masks...aka bullshit)

Ummmm no thank you...

Here's the thing... When I first realized I had the power, I was terrified... Holy shit, imma screw this up.   Ummm yea so?  Perfectly imperfect.  Who sold that bullshit about having to be flawless... So what if I once bought into that.  I don't NOW.  NOW is truly all we have. NOW is freaking awesome!  

I just took myself to lunch, am sitting in the restaurant right now, just shazam'd a song called 'My Way'. Synchronicity is BADassery!  Lol. Ohkay now 'Brighter than the Sun' just came on.   I say no coincidences....yup for me, in my world, NOTHING is a coincidence, EVERYTHING is a blessing.   Does that mean that those principles have to work for you....HELL no, live life on YOUR terms.  You are the captain of your own ship....and now I chose (as captain/queen/goddess/co-creator etc.) to live...

MY WAY (click here)

Yeah we can be "Brighter than the Sun"

Brighter than the Sun Lyrics!! 

Stop me on the corner

I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn't expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it's supposed to go with it
Don't you blink you might miss it
See we got a right to just love it or leave it
You find it and keep it
Cause it ain't every day you get the chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

I've never seen it, I found this love, I'm gonna feed it
You better believe, I'm gonna treat it better than anything I've ever had
Cause you're so damn beautiful
Read it, it's signed and delivered let's seal it
Boy we go together like peanuts and paydays and Marley and reggae
And everybody needs to get a chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

Everything is like a white out, cause we shika-shika a shine down
Even when the, when the light's out but I can see you glow
Got my head up in the rafters, got me happy ever after
Never felt this way before, ain't felt this way before

I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn't expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it's supposed to go?

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun, yeah
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Brighter than the sun.
Oho, yeah, oho

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun

nothing small about the sun.. <grins>  MAKING MUPPET FACE LIGHT BEAMING OUTTA EVERY PORE!!! YEAH buddy!

dancing... life is SUCCULENT!  

• 
  

Blissful Succulence!

Did you know that life is absolutely freaking succulent? Are you aware that each of our NOWS are magnificent?  Yup, I live in THIS world, and no I’m not on any drugs, nor am I drinking <laughs>  I adore my life.  Yes, of course there are challenges, or it wouldn't be the journey of life, or the road less traveled.  HOWEVER, I choose my NOWS; I choose how to feel about the events that happen.  First question, can I change it?  Yes, then I do, no, then I move on in GRATITUDE for the lesson…. That is it, that is all. 

I unexpectedly paid for a car alignment today that I thought was covered by my bumper to bumper insurance… <shrugs> so.  Yeah it pinched a lil bit, but UMM SO.   My sister didn’t work out with me today.  I actually found myself wanting to take the day off… YEA umm so, I worked out anyway and may I say I was straight up BADass.  I DID 30 MIN on the ARC, 30 min on the elliptical, the weight machines, THEN circuit training.  YEA… umm hmmm.  ME, working my hardest my pulse never went over 148.   MY RESTING heart rate used to be 120 and now it stays steady at 60-65.  YEAH yeah..whut whut.

In the locker room, I had a conversation with a trainer, a beautiful spirit… after noticing her t-shirt (HILarious) and ‘my shoulders’ she was ‘wearing’ (wiggles eyebrows smiling) and BUSTED out laughing, it just so unexpected.  Motivation and joy ARE EVERYWHERE IF you want to see it.  (choices)

After the gym I drove to the pharmacy to pick up prilosec, then headed over to buy a piece of grilled chicken for a quick salad.  My energy was fading quickly... knew I needed to put ‘gas’ in my ‘tank’….. My mom called, and during the phone call, I looked up <after seeing sequential numbers all day on license plates> I saw the OHM symbol on the back of the car in front of me.  I had never seen one on a car before.  Ever. 

The truth is whether you think you CAN or THINK you (can’t) ’I am not a fan of that word’… YOU ARE RIGHT.  The universe responds to WHAT YOU ARE thinking and feeling.  Omg/oddess, I AM ON FIRE… Grateful just does not do THIS STUPENDOUS BLISSFUL FEELING any justice. 

Pssst… just a secret for you.  I AM not MORE special, gifted, or powerful than YOU ARE.  We ARE THE SAME. 

Choices my loves.. CHOICES.

I’m a fracking WARRIOR GODDESS AND I’M SHINING MY LIGHT WIDE OPEN.  LOVE LOVE LOVE and adore life!  

soulFIRE!

I personally do not believe in coincidences.  Not anymore, not at all.  I see beauty everywhere, literally, found a feather after working out today with my little sister, and just stared in awe at my discovery.  When you believe in miracles, you find, see and get them.  Making room in one’s life for positive energy is a necessary part of the process on the road to what Jeff Brown calls enREALment. 

http://soulshaping.com

Yesterday, RIGHT after having a conversation with one of my siSTAR’s about the symbolism of moths, one solitary moth entered the house with my son, flew past him and T, bypassed my veggies on the stove and just sat there.   Of course there is a story behind why that is uber amazing however; this would turn into a book <smiles>  

Connecting with my little sister again is a miracle in and of itself.  I got her in the divorce  :p, she is worth a million times her weight in alimony.  What a brilliant shining light she is, but I’ve always known that.  We have not seen each other since her daughter; my 9 year old niece just began walking.  Perfect work-out pardner (yup I spelt that way on purpose… ), dedicated, loving, funny, just straight up choosing to be authentic, wonderful young women.  We spend at least ½ hr.(total)n laughing… (we did NOT laugh much on the elliptical today.. ouch) made up for it on the treadmill during circuit training.

Another siSTAR, Lycania Leaena Luna of http://lightbodyactivation.net 

posed this question yesterday, “What were the games you played as a child, ya know the kind when no one was looking and you were alone in your rooms with only your imagination and toys at hand?”  

My first response was: “I was a mystical belly dancer with my mom’s authentic mantillas.....lol”.  Today, however; I remembered more.  I typed, “Lol I had VERY long hair so I did Princess Leia, ISIS, and Wonder Woman...I was convinced I was a lost babe born of the amazon warriors.” to which she typed back, “awesome Shanti! you must've been so adorable! a wee little priestess warrior in service to source!!! xo keep awakening to that darling and in so doing you honor that part of self that is authentically you”.

At first my soul just glowed, and then I realized in a bit of awakened astonishment, that most of my childhood pre the runaway years (11-17) when alone were with arms wide open to GOD/dess, Source <etc.> How did I forget that?  I remember the Catholicism aspect, because a greater part of it scared the beejeebers out of me, but how did I forget what my soul knew then? 

I remember twirling around with my hair streaming down, doing the Isis <Shazam/Isis> hour, listening to her talk about the goddess.  There was no way that this siSTAR knew that what she said was going to spark memories so precious and forgotten.  Dancing many different dances, mantillas wrapped around my shoulders… longing for castanets. 

I bought into ‘the story’ … I bought into FITTING in, into average, mediocre, repetitious and part of the crowd so I could blend ‘story’. I sit now here shaking my head in disbelief and wonder.  I went on a quest to MAKE myself lovable <I already was>, to PROVE I was worthy <always have been>, to heal those around me believing that I was the cause of the rifts <never had to do with me>, choosing to give away every ounce of the light in me to prove I was good enough… I have always been good enough… whooo hoooo. 

I saw the light in me today and I blushed… lol I am a beautiful expression of the divine, we all are.   

Yup I do love everyone .. 

 yup the “good, bad, gorgeous, sad, big, small, straight, crooked, pretty, ugly, average ” , (labels.. pfft.) Even Shakespeare knew, “by any name shall smell as sweet” we choose our definition by training to the word.  I’m in control of my NOW. … We are all expressions of the light, we just choose in the now and that is freaking magnificent.  Imma feed that momentum!   <smiling bright like a diamond >

So thank you for adding to the magnificence of my  ‘in love with the NOW’ choices and experiences.  I get it all NOW.  Living with love, authenticity, kindness, compassion, purpose, gratitude and forgiveness in the NOW makes life JUICY.

** I came home today to love in a package.  It’s the heart gifts you do not expect that mean the most, I swear.  It was so lovingly packed, the love with which it was sent was palpable.  I sniffed the packing envelope before I walked in the house… heather??  Wow.  My cup does indeed truly run over.

I find myself a rich woman.  Rich in every way; blessings, wisdom, humanity, an amazing universal family: perfect imperfection.  I know now to run with this momentum… so onward and upward.  I have horses to ride, gardens to tend, dreams to make manifest, young people to love, my inner terrain to enrich…  I understand the juicy, primal succulence of a life fully lived and I’M JUST ON the journey haven’t reached ‘destinations’  (life is ABOUT the journey) ….

http://www.etsy.com/shop/LisaSteinkeArt

Thank you Lisa for helping be a huge catalyst for this leg of the journey!!! Your art and spirit ROCK!

Of course, thank you Crystal for the tools!!! Badassery indeed!

Badassery I tell you!   

Rawwwwwwwrrrr!!!!!

"I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake your ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter,

dancing through the fire

Cause I am a champion and

You're gonna hear me ROAR

Louder, louder than a lion

Cause I am a champion and

You're gonna hear me ROAR

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You're gonna hear me roar

Now I'm floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero"

 Katy Perry - Roar Lyrics

[Chorus]

I am so freaking grateful, yup there’s that word again because I have yet to discover a synonym gratitude that is even close to expressive enough for my level of emotion… grateful my shoulder is so much better than last week.  Very scary shit, being out of commission, my brain automatically thought hmmm fibro, had/have osteo in the knees and shoulders… rheumatoid arthritis?  As soon  as my thoughts headed off in that direction, I thought  nu uh, this is a midterm <in the school of life> okay time to learn… let me start digging in the pain … hurt badly, my inked, pierced, fibro.. ‘used to the pain’,  *chica*self that I thought I was,   yeah okay.. pfft.

That night I met the limits of my pain threshold, shed love it’s exact dimensions and moved on wide open from the pain.   In bed, I watched  “The Blue Butterfly” while gulping down antinflammatory’s <Advil>, tears rolling outta my eyes, down my face, big ole fat tears, too… callin on Jesus, Mary, Kali, Allah, Jehovah, Source, etc… (yup, sure did) trying to accept this pain as part of the experience, not necessarily a bad thing.   I mean who defines my experience but ME?  I am the author of my story, the captain of my ship, so I decided pain was not bad it was just energy with a story…

I flipped on the TV, since its DISH, if one sneezes, one loses reception.  Went on Facebook for a while getting reinspired,…DISH catches the signal and there is Teen Moms 3, the remote was out of reach .. sounds ridiculous, I know but my right shoulder felt the way Mel Gibson’s shoulder looked in the movie Lethal Weapon.  Then I remembered I had other physical strengths, then utilizing my core and hammies.  WHO KNEW?? Blessing after blessing..

 First scene:  A teenage Latina telling her mom she wasn’t ready to do this alone, tears pouring from her eyes. That was all it took for my soul to tap me on the brain/heart and say  ’you there,  who sometimes thinks,  you’re not doing shit… look how far you've come from a 19+ year old trying single-handedly to fix the(your three) children’s father, change into a pleasing daughter, wife, reformed ‘tough girl’ (with the mushy heart) and then a ‘tract’ carrying, scripture memorizing, NON swearing <yeah I know>, no watching TV, long skirt wearing born again Christian (I have a picture, lol), still in inner turmoil and fighting hard to stay my arse out of the abyss that was ME, spinning plates,  balancing  the tightrope act.  I started out a confused, non-social comfortable, ostracized, martyr complex, catholic school girl, misunderstood (square peg) child in the freakin family,  and school.  Add that to braces, dark skin, knee length hair and for Ridgewood Queens in those years… + glasses & dysfunction, depressed misfit to a self-loving, MISTAKING MAKING, source receiving, co-creating, spirit evolving, RISING GODDESS, learning how to love herself unapologetically, vulnerable, proud, primal, wild woman remembering, choice owning… <ya get the point right> exhales. GIFTS GALORE in that pain.

So there I was … (laughs) gotta laugh!!!!  There I was… uberally (yes, that’s MY word) grateful, hugely appreciative of every nuance of my life… and….

Yup .. the clay around this golden Bodhisattva cracked wide open.  There, in plain view, was that which I’d spent my entire life running from.  Ignoring my intuitive red arrows, numbing and voguing facades until I was grateful for the ENTIRE journey, NO SHAME no blame.

Wham! I cracked open … found out that it truly was the fear of FEAR that kept me stuck.  WOW.  The freaking realization was less traumatizing than the low resonating prison I had reinforced with layers of excuses as to why I should not listen to my intuition, which was ‘reliable’ all along.  The gift is not that I was ‘right’ … it is that I ‘remember’ I can trust myself… I am worthy; we are co-creators, ‘six billion expressions of divine’.

One has to believe in miracles to see the miracles…  I BELIEVE we already perfect.  We are not here to be perfect, we are already divine… we are here to be HUMAN… pfft and yanno what that means right???

Perfectly IMPERFECT AS IS. 

Breaking Chains~~A Shanti Shaharazade Production

Originally written: November 18, 2012 at 8:22pm

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I think perhaps more than I breathe.  My mind works on issues, solutions, problems as quickly as child geniuses used to solve the ‘Rubik’s Cube’.  So, I was thinking, what if I am not privy to the whole story behind the dysfunction of the women in my family.  My matriarchal lineage, because as I look at my cousins, examine the behavior of my aunt’s, the animosity displayed clearly to each other without reservations or explanations, I realized there had to be more to this story.  So as a great archeologist, such well as Indiana Jones would do I began to look for clues.  Context clues led me to a few hypotheses about the life that my ancestors had in Guyana that may have shaped their sadness and desperation. 

"Coolie Gyal" notice the Indian 'gear'

Oh wait, damn, yes I had judged them and thought they were OUT of their minds.  What the hell could have possibly happened to justify the madness running rampant amongst the women in my mother’s family? Then the pieces of the puzzle started coming together, long before I had hard facts.  Watching and observing teaches us the most poignant of lessons.  Their dynamic in relationships was telling; self-doubts, guilt, subservient passive aggressive behaviors, low self-esteem, jealousy and dissent. 

I too carried that legacy of shame and guilt until I took a step back to discover why..

This is what I unearthed. 

In 1838, indentureship was the profitable way to ensure that the crops were tended too by the seemingly docile Indian peasants that were encouraged and sold a dream, to go to Guyana to work the crops for a contract of a specific amount of years and were promised passage there and back.  That was not always the case, more times than not they would have to extend their contracts, and not be able to return to India, to their wives and in some cases children.  To appease the workers, the overseers contracted and brought over Indian women.  They were not thrilled about coming, but their parents wanting better for their daughters than the meager existence in Calcutta, sent them off, hopefully not realizing what would happen to their young women in Guyana. 

There was a shortage of ‘Coolie’ Gyals in Guyana and they were VERY young.  They started marrying them off at 11 years of age, to 40-50 year old intolerant men, who would chomp at the bit wondering who was staring at this pretty wife and assuming she was carrying on affairs with the overseers or the Afro-Guyanese.  Of course the Indian men couldn’t retaliate against the plantation owners or the overseers, so who reaped the brunt of his own discontent?? Yes, the little 11 year old, the young women who had NO idea which way to go.  There was no escape.  The ‘master’s, overseers, Indo-Guyanese and Afro-Guyanese all had their way with the Coolie Gyals <term used="" for="" indo-guyanese="" girls="" and="" women="">  Coolie being a quasi-derogatory term for indentured servants. </term>

Proud to be! <3

The level of abuse aimed at the “Coolie Gyals” was intense and horrific.  I didn’t know.  I had always watched my ‘elders’ with a mixture of frustration, sadness and anger.  I never understood what made them act hateful, spiteful, sometimes jealous of each other, and uber depressed.  In retrospect, I get it, I understand why my older aunt who passed away four days after my partner in crime/aunt died, was so bitter and honestly mean.  Aunt Anna was born in 1909 in the midst of the matriarchal massacre that was occurring on this tiny coastal country, they were so far away from “home” with no-one to protect them.  The women truly felt that they did not deserve ‘rights’.    How sad, how terribly soul wounding, it makes so much sense now in retrospect after a half of life observing their dysfunctional behavior that the majority of them didn’t even realize was dysfunctional.  Eleven year olds sold to fifty year old men for marriage, raped, tortured, molested, beat, dismembered, accused, slandered and ashamed!

My grandmother May Veronica Tiwari, was married when she was twelve and had my uncle when she was thirteen… he was a thirteen pound baby.  I cannot even imagine the level of pain and torment on her young body.  My ‘grandfather’ was a much older longshoreman, who after getting my grandmother pregnant, would leave and sometimes come back, eventually he moved to America, leaving her and all of their offspring, including my mother there in Guyana to fend for themselves.  She eventually sent my mom and her closest brother, my Uncle Romeo to NYC to live with a father they never had known.  Imagine the horror of flying across an ocean with a kind stranger just to be handed off to ANOTHER stranger? 

After intensely researching the period in Guyana from 1838 to 1917, I came to realize that it is absolutely inconceivable to me, that women were treated in this insidious manner.  Raped by Afro-Guyanese, by the overseer’s and then back home where instead of concern and solace found in the arms of their husbands or fathers, they were repeatedly beat for ‘BEING’, yes, for just BEING.  It must have been the poor coolie gyal’s fault for existing.  What a world to be born, brought or BOUGHT into.  I am sitting here writing this, feeling the weight that was their constant mantle of oppression.  I sit here grateful to have experienced every single thing that I did, to empower me so, that I would excavate the truth, give a voice to the light.  I’m so sorry you were treated so badly, I am so sorry. Sorry that they hurt you, I know that it was all meant to be, and I know I will never know the exact reasons till I enjoy hugging THE REAL YOU when I come “home”. 

I am honored to be from this line of AMAZING women who preserved through the HARSHEST of circumstances.  They were oppressed and degraded in every possible and still SURVIVED, supporting their children in a strange country. 

I get it now, all the dots connect.  I understand, and I am sorry for assuming, I am grateful to be blessed with this knowledge and mission.  I WILL never take this existence for granted again.  NEVER… I will RISE forever, thank you for gifting me with your tenacity and unwavering dedication to survival. 

I am STOMPING on those restraints; we are ‘breaking chains’ forever. 

Love is DIVINE, my ancestors, and love put ME here, ripe full of the lessons that have run down our lineage, I will be brave and strong, holding the very tangible, invisible (on this plane of existence) hands linked with mine around in a circle. 

Here is to my mom and all of her sisters, nearest to my heart of course was/ is Darshini Tiwari, my grandmother May Veronia Persaud Tiwari, my great-grandmother Marie Rajubir, my grandmother’s cousin Anna Naidoo, and the slews of other women in my family and in yours.  We, by shining our light are breaking chains, the chains of oppression and depression.  We can free them, I know I have to start with me and here I am, standing in the light, not afraid to OWN my choices and repercussions, paying forward the light near and far!  I WILL be the change, family, thank you!! Your life is NOT wasted on me!

"Love's Divine" – Seal
Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time threw a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Love HAS helped me know my name.
Video -------à http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iczaDcixBj4&feature=share