Appreciative, stalled in the stillness, examining the terrain of
the 'waiting room', surrendering to the 'is'ness may and sometimes does feel
uncomfortable. There are moments of
sublime elation and moments spent reclaiming balance. It is a bit of a tightrope walk. Goes something like this:
The Cast:
E.G.O (Edging God Out) - EGO (my EGO is totally frightened by the
divine self)
Divine Self – DS (the me I choose to be, following
my authentic, self … my inner sexy geek)
Wake up..... EGO kicks in, sense of dread....I've got to do
what? In how much time?
DS: you got this...let it rise, let the feelings rise. It's okay, love yourself as is.
DS gets out of bed, chooses to meditate, surrendering to Source's/God/dess’s
plan, even if every step is not defined.
The path is only spiritually palpable...not always tangibly so.
After DS meditates, and surrenders to Source/God/dess, the
journey and plan; things progressively FEEL better. Working out, meditating and writing, with EGO
occasionally whispering in MY spirit’s ear, what the hell do you think you’re
doing?? To which DS replies… I AM TRUSTING source, dammit, we ARE following
the light!!!!!
This is a small glimpse into the running dialogue in my
head. I choose to direct my thoughts now
and that's the difference.
Flashback: Walking down
a dark Manhattan Street, shadows jumping at me from every direction, heart in
my throat as I pass the theater district.
On my way to Pennsylvania station (Penn Station) for the night, looking
for any of my street siblings. I walked
determinedly from 42nd street towards 34th street. As usual, I was thinking
about the why's of my life. Why me? What do I do now? Why am I alone again? Poor me, dammit, I just want a family, a home
and to be somewhat understood. “Yo,
Cookie... Wtf are you doing?”
Blinking a few times, shocked out of my abysmal contemplation's, I
recognized a girl I had been in Promesa with a couple of weeks earlier…
and thought quickly… oh shit, I'm wearing this girls Adidas. Fuck!
She weaved toward me, her eyes empty and unfocused. I realized that she
was almost unrecognizable due to the amount of weight she had lost since we had
last seen each other almost two weeks before.
Slurring her words slightly she said what's up with my kicks, I said, I
know, I have them on, but to be honest, I don't have shit else, and I'm not
walking down the street barefoot. (I was
thinking damn damn, not barefoot too). She looked at me, I guess deciding if
this was worth the effort of a forced retrieval. I was
bigger and stronger but she was definitely a better fighter due her many years
on the street and the system (I remembered some of her story from our encounter
groups in Promesa). She said with a dismissive
wave, “give them back next time we see each other”.
I nodded apologetically with a shrug of “badass”
I don’t care... I don't really give a fuck attitude, my ego protecting my back out there in the concrete jungle... ( I totally gave a fuck). As she walked away from me, towards the shadows, I saw movement, a spectral, bony
hand reaching for her head as she knelt down.
My mouth fell open as I realized what she was doing... My heart beating
like a frightened baby bird, I quickened my pace speeding away from her in her
very own Adidas. I never saw her again.
Fast Forward: Sitting here in a semi-public place, watching a loving family, I just wrote that feeling all up in the 'ISness' holding space
for that young woman who was driven to her knees by her demons. I want so badly to remember her name. To hold light for who she was, who I was, who
we are. In retrospect I was lucky,
divinely protected ....but why?
In 1991, I was laying on my mother's futon, talking to God, my
children ages 5,4 and 3. Attending
Medical Assisting School in the evenings, I was single parenting while my ex was
out doing his thing. I could not yet see
any rhyme or reason for this tortuous path.
I was more than angry, I was frustrated and laden with despair. I cried out to the heavens, tears streaming
down my face, WHY???? WHAT IS IT ALL FOR???… I could feel my heart clenched in
pain, my insides felt as though they were viscously twisted and knotted in agony. What the fuck do I do with THIS? How do I make
this work? I felt broken, empty, angry,
afraid, bereft, and still not understood, by anyone.
I heard an answer.
Three calm words...
No voice to describe... just three words ....then four.
write it down.
write it all down.
I thought what, write all that shit down and then die? Wtf? With my luck, that’s
just how it would happen, leaving my children with whom???? Pfft! NO, thank you.
That was in 1991, I get it now, share everything, everything that
has happened and the journey that is now unfolding. Show
the messy, sometimes scary, raw process, my return to innocence, retraining one
damn thought at a time. I am to flip
myself inside out and show my seams, loving myself and all others during the
process. Holy shit!
Yup, I AM brave, so are you, if your reading this, it's not an
accident or a coincidence, there's something in this intersecting labyrinth
that we are in together that mirrors and reflects something in your
spirit. Something that you want to
know. We are one.
That young woman (cannot remember her name) and I were/are one. I hope she made it, I really do. I cannot feel upset that I didn’t
run back to her, because as I knew in that moment, the darkness threatened me
too, what I saw could not be unseen, if I had gone back, I may not
have made it. There but by the GRACE of
god/dess, go I. I hope she’s
okay… to that young woman who shared a room with me at Promesa, I’m
sorry I took your sneakers. I am holding
light for US. Wherever you are, I remember you.
I see you. Thank you.
*Write it down.. write it all down*
Yup, got it.
